I just can't win.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jun 23, 2009.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I just got a call from my mom. She is mad because I didn't call my dad on Father's Day. I DID call. Didn't leave any message because my dad keeps telling me he won't listen to them and not to bother. He doesn't even check the messages on his cell phone.

    husband and the kids were gone until after 7. I thought they had called.

    My dad does a lot of nice stuff for us. But ANY gift we give is treated as an imposition. Any call he can't wait to get off of.

    And now my mom wants to string me up because I didn't call him.

    I should have followed through, but after the last few years of being greeted with HORRIBLE, UGLY comments for EVERY gift and card, well, it feels useless. It stinks, I was wrong, I have sent a card already.

    But I HATE talking on the phone because he is rude.

    BUt I am not supposed to screw up. and I will hear about this until Christmas. (The man is still furious with me for a childish prank I pulled when I was FOUR.)

    I hate having such a double standard. My bro can mess up every holiday for years and years and I can't even drop the ball once.

    And alternating between vomiting and crying from a migraine apparently is also inexcusable.

    sigh. This too will pass.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Susie...did you call her on Mother's Day?

    It's clear that both your parents are more than capable of holding a grudge. How did you grow up so well?!

    They obviously expect more from you since you are the responsible one. Try missing a few cards or calls deliberately! (Passive aggressive, I know, but I'm "irkitated" on your behalf.)

    If she brings it up again? (And she will.) "I'm sorry, Mom, I love you, but if you can't let something go, then this conversation's over. Oh, and, have him check missed calls on his phone." CLICK.

    Worked with my father in law. I rarely have to do it with my parents. I'll tell them... "I don't agree." Then we either discuss why we disagree or change the subject. But that's us.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    You know, I was just having this discussion with someone about their family of the 50's/60's/70's & parents not too long ago. The Father was overbearing and the Mother was a cow-tow to his every whim. If the Father got mad the Mother felt like she also had to be mad to get "approval" from the Father. It's not really approval - it's survival. Your Father must be a difficult person to live with.

    I have no idea to this day why my Father HATED gifts. He didn't mind giving them and he and my Mom were very gracious and spoiling of me - but when it came time to give a gift back? Ack...He didn't NEED, WANT, WISH FOR - anything. I thought that was crazy - everyone loves to get gifts right? Wrong. Not my Pop- NO WAY it made him almost grumpy to hand him a gift. So we'd get him things that he needed and just leave them around - or put them in his drawer.

    I'm not sure if it was growing up dirt poor, or during the Great Depression, or scrimping and saving for so long it just seemed frivilous that someone didn't save their money like he did. Like I said - I will never know. I've asked Mom - she has no clue. But then again - my Mother to this day will wash reynolds wrap aluminum foil and dry it - and save it and reuse it. Despite the fact that I have told her countless times - aluminum is one of the resources we will never run out of in 100 lifetimes. Doesn't matter -

    In your situation especially with that practical 4 year old joke he's still peeved about - I'd pull dear old Dad off to the side and have a come to Jesus meeting about it. Your 4orty WHAT...and still get grief from something that many years ago? YEah - I'd be telling your Dad to either get over it -or say goodbye and tell him how you really feel.

    The bullying needs to stop - and I can't think of anyone better than a warrior Mom to stand up to your own Dad. I'd also make sure he knew this conversation was JUST for his ears.....

    I'm sorry - hon. Hugs
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The thing is, my Dad probably is NOT mad. HE knows he doesn't answer the phone. HE told me not to bother. My MOM is the one that is upset right now.

    And yes, it is bullying. I am physically not up to much. My bones are soft enough that SITTING for an hour puts ungodly pain that takes four or five DAYS to subside. I am working as hard as I can on it. Part of that work means taking LOTS of antinausea medications and choking down as much Vit D as I can. I just can't keep up with everyone else's hurt feelings.

    I remembered mothers day BARELY. The family made a big deal about me not going to my parents but I just couldn't.

    Ihave been fighting the double standard forever. LIterally. And I will continue to, because in their minds I am always the wrong one. Brother is a drunk? Why didn't you tell us?? He's using drugs? Why didn't you tell us?

    When I told them? Why would you make that stuff up about your poor brother??

    I iwll call Dad tonight (he isn't home now) and the kids and I will apologize. because we should have called. If he doesn't answer? I still won't leave a message. I would email him, but don't know his email. It changes every other month!

    Thanks for the understanding. I need it.

    Hugs to all!
  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ah, Susie. One thing I have learned with 'older' people is they get set in their ways. You might be surprised if you contronted your dad. He'd probably be surprised, yet may think about a few things. Tight rope to walk.

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    *Food for Thought*

    Some people are really uncomfortable receiving gifts. Really. I know cuz I'm one of them. (I'm trying to do better) Now that doesn't mean these same people won't go out of their way to do something nice for someone........or to give gifts of their own.

    I know I drive my kids bonkers. easy child especially as she'd love to lavish me with expensive gifts. I finally got her to stop. I truly appreciate them and the thought behind them, but each day she shows me how much she loves me. As do her sibs. So I really don't need gifts, especially expensive ones to tell me the same thing. Know what I mean??

    I don't like answering machines either. lol Nor will I get the messages off the darn thing. Heck, we've had it 6 yrs and I just now am starting to learn how to use it. lol And I won't leave a message on a machine. Ever. I want to talk to a person. :)

    You're right. It probably doesn't bug your Dad at all. Mom on the other hand is wanting you to do the "proper" thing. bah! I didn't call my dad on father's day. Actually didn't even give the man a thought. Don't feel bad about it either. I talk to him on the phone maybe once a year tops.....and that's cuz my brother pushes him into it. Not that he has anything to say anyway. He is very uncomfortable talking on the phone.

    Oh, and lot of men, especially the older generation, aren't comfortable with phone conversation. They like it short, to the point, and over with. lol

    Sorry this is going to be held over your head. Not one of my kids remembered to tell husband happy fathers day this year. And I've just kept my mouth shut. That's between them and him. Karma baby. ;)

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am hanging my head in shame. I forgot to call my father this year! I will have to do it tonite or tomorrow. I actually bought him a baseball cap for Fathers day but it didnt come until Saturday in the mail so its gonna be a bit late...lol. He will understand. Normally Im pretty good about this sort of thing but the man is so hard to buy things for. I mean he has everything he could possibly want.

    I am gonna lay the blame on the fact that I called him the weekend before and he told me he was gonna be at my stepsisters and I didnt think he would be home to get my call...lol. Yeah thats it.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I actually remembered to call my Grandpa. This doesn't sound that big but I forgot Grandma on Mothers Day!

    We did have a cookout for my Dad the weekend before - because husband would be working last Sat. nite, sleeping Sun. day, and then difficult child 2 to BM's Sun. nite. But I made sure to give husband his card from me on Sun.

    Running joke in my family. The first Father's Day I was out on my own, I lost the card... but I had the envelope. The very next year, I had the card but lost the envelope. Then a streak of years where I had both... This year I lost the ENTIRE THING. Sigh.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    This is exactly why I dislike "days of honor". How do you honor someone when you are just doing as you are expected? I much prefer random "I thought of you on September 18 because I love you" gifts and calls.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My Dad wasn't home earlier in the day. I talked to husband and we were going to call in the evening to apologize. But I just added a new medicine on Monday and it keeps knocking me out. I HAD to take it because I have to get it in my body to help with the Vit D situation.

    It KNOCKED ME OUT!!! I slept for the longest I have slept at any one time in 6 months. What a HORRIBLE day to do that on. I actually fell asleep about 4 and woke up at midnight. It feels a bit better but again I feel terrible for not following through.

    Sigh. Not much I can do. I think part of the problem is my brother stirring Mom's emotions up. He LOVES to push the envelope as far as making me out to be the "bad" child. Has for years, and is usually highly successful. Heck, he even made his divorce out to be largely my fault, LOL!!! (I truly find that to be hilarious, because he is a whack-job and he married one too!)

    I am sure bro stirred things up because HE feels neglected. For some BIZARRE reason he thinks he and I should exchange Mothers and Fathers day gifts. I think he is nuts, but he actually is mortally wounded if I forget. I told him last year that I wasn't doing it with him, that it is for our parents, and if we did siblings too then it might as well be another Christmas.

    I just want the drama to be GONE. I know it is false hope, but there it is.

    I am writing a letter to my dad. husband is in town for a doctor appointment in the morning and I am giong to have him take it over to my parents. Calling at this point will be FAR more drama than I can cope with. I know myself and know that with the pain and depression I DON"T need to push myself any closer to the edge. The disease is hard enough - I don't need my parents shoving anything else at me.

    Thanks for understanding. I really needed to hear what you had to say.

    Shari, I TOTALLY understand how you feel. Sometimes I think Mother's and Father's day are some kind of Holy Day of Obligation, only instead of going to Mass you have to adore your parents.

    the thing is that I DO the "Thought of you and this is the Tuesday morning I love you and this is a hug from me" gift thing frequently.

    Hugs to all. And Happy Father's Day to all your husband's!
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh, I'm sorry you have to put up with this on top of being in so much pain. Hugs.
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thinking for any events involving your father, just call your mother and ask her to pass along any greetings, just say you have tried repeatedly to contact father (and think you can fib about that) but haven't been able to reach him with your message. Try to let this go....... if you don't live next door who cares? You will always be their daughter and they can't change it, neither can you so do what you feel you need to and try not let them guilt you into anything....... life is too short, so get enjoyment while you can....... I know, easier said than done.......
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Great advice Whyme! It sure will keep her from being so swayed by my dramaqueen brother.

    I had husband deliver a letter I wrote apologizing inside a card the kids made for him. It was a really cute card, Jessie is getting to be wonderful with them.

    I learned that Jessie and thank you DID call him on Father's Day. So mom is just out of the gourd.

    From this point on I will just ignore her on this. It is true, they can't exactly kick me out of the family, can they?

    Great big hugs for ALL of you!!!
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Susie..........I've found that even when they do......if you don't let yourself get pulled into the drama........they always want you back. lol

    When my Mom disowns me, my thought always is well good I won't have to put up with her drama and crazy making anymore..........But it never last more than 24 hrs and she's calling begging forgiveness. sigh

    I hope the new medication helps.

  15. ML

    ML Guest

    I think with all you've been through with your health this past year you deserve a break! Tell mom that you don't have it in you to be the perfect daughter any more. Sending gentle hugs to you my friend xo ML