I just dont understand

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Jan 25, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    So my Difficult Child went back to the abusive boyfriend and knows he is cheating on her. She has started school and likes it. so what happens...her computer breaks down and she has 2 online classes she has to do. I just dont get it when she tries to do whats right she gets so many road blocks thrown at her. I try to keep the fire lit under her but she just always has this defeated attitude. I dont know I am tired of trying to come up with solutions for her. It just seems like she does not have the drive to pull herself up. I know it is not my problem but it is so hard to watch!!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, soooo tired.

    How about letting her find her own solutions? If she is motivated enough she will find a way to live her dreams. If she is not motivated enough to act then she will not live her dreams. She may not really share your dreams for her and may not have enough motivation to keep trying. That is her choice.

    In the end, it is always up to the person to solve his/her own problems. My daughter's computer was on the fritz for a bit and s he was able to borrow one from the school until she got another one. There are ways.

    Hugs and more hugs. I know. It's hard.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Soooo Tired,

    Dear sweet friend, it's not your job to keep the fire lit. It's time you passed the torch to her.

    When you become exhausted from something it means it's time to take a break. Even a marathon runner runs out of steam and has to rest. I would suggest that you stop offering advice to her, let her figure things out for herself. I would also suggest that you go low contact, you really need a break so you can recharge.

  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Hi soooo tired, and I'm so sorry. It is truly the most exhausting thing in the world to try to push a train up a mountain. I know because I tried to do it with Difficult Child for years and years. It's exhausting...and it doesn't work.

    We can't live another person's life for them, as much as we want to. And they have to find ways to solve their problems. If we solve their problems for them, they have no skin in the game. They aren't invested in the outcome, and the next time they have a problem, they look to us to again solve it.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    She's 39 years old. She knows.

    Can you step way way way back? Just let her live her life, as hard as that is to watch. When it's too hard to watch, set boundaries that give you the time and space you need not to have to watch it all.

    Warm hugs today. Please keep posting. We so understand because we've been right there with you.
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    She can go to the school computer lab and do her coursework, libraries have computers. She's having a pity party right now. I agree with Tanya M- go low contact. Offer no solutions or advice. Tell her, I am confident you will figure your life out. I have a friend that had 4 kids, husband left her, she had one kid sick all the time, babysitters quit, she had to find new ones, hardly any family support and she put herself through Nursing school.

    If she wants to succeed in life, she has to learn how to find solutions to the curve balls in life that EVERYONE gets in life.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi ST,

    Hang in there. Your daughter will do what she wants. If she wants to finish school, she will do it. If she is looking for an excuse not to, she will find that as well. Don't take any responsibility for her actions.

    We are here.

    Keep posting.

  7. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Just to be clear how old is your daughter? Being young can come with its challenges, your guidance is wonderful but ultimately your daughter needs to find her own solutions. I have just read a great book called Don't Let your kids kill you. It spoke about how we often try to help even save our kids from pain or from their own choices. I was terribly guilty of this all my daughters life, and how she is 24...............no more. She needs to find the life skills to discover how to problem solve and what consequences occur from making the wrong choices. Keep encouraging your daughter but give her the power to solve her own issues.
  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    ST, I know it is hard, SO hard, but why are you getting so emotionally involved in your daughter's ups and downs? A few days ago you were extremely worried because her landlord's agent was making passes at her in exchange for rent...but that evidently worked out. Shortly before that you were on high alert because she was moving out of the city and wouldn't be attending school...but that worked out too. If she is willing to overlook the boyfriend's issues, that is her decision. Computers break. Life happens. It will work itself out. It is not your place to motivate, solve, light fires, etc. If she wants it, she will make it happen. If she doesn't, nothing you can do is going to change that.
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