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I just had a light bulb moment and now I don't know what to do
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 377069" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Wow, thats a lot to absorb. I'm going to give my opinion based on what I think I know about your situation, but fully well knowing I have missed some posts over time from you and that, well, we never know everything about someones life etc. So this is just a gut feeling of mine and said with caring and what seems from this outside viewpoint, to make sense.</p><p></p><p>I think you should do as you mentioned in the end. Use this time to get things together for you. Let difficult child use this time to try to get his act together and a chance to forge a new beginning when he eventually is released. </p><p></p><p>I say this for multiple reasons. First, you're in a fine pickled mess right now with the house, unemployment etc. It's a heck of a lot to work through and it really MUST be your focus right now, with or without difficult child in custody. Second, okay, lets say ALL of difficult child's problems are because of YOU (I don't feel that it is even possible, honestly, I mean that. We all do things we look back on and realize negatively impacted our children, but short of you being certifiable ? You in no way caused all of his problems. ANyhow, lets pretend it is ALL your fault. What difference does it make now? He needs help. Of a kind no mother can give. He needs the tough help, the professional help, the structured setting, and a great big light bulb moment of his own. Know what I mean?? He has to take this time to make or break his chances for success when he gets out. And frankly, even if in therapy he decided it all WAS your fault? Therapy is the tool he needs. And he needs a lot of help. Not some counsellors chair a couple times a week. </p><p></p><p>Also, our kids grow up and our dynamic (parent/child) is not healthy, it isn't easy to change when still in the same household. It is much more likely to develop into one of mutual respect and compatability while in seperate dwellings. Right now, you need to do your own stuff. And really, I feel he needs to do his own. His issues aren't about mom. Even IF they were up until now, at this stage, he needs to learn to live for himself, make choices for himself, live with his successes or his failures, its time for your difficult child to claim responsability for his own actions. </p><p></p><p>It is so easy to look back at our lives and think we could have, should have, etc did xyz different. Or crud! I wish I hadn't said xyz or shared xyz with them. Or I .... Or I .... It could be an endless loop for most of us. It ultimately gets us nowhere. </p><p></p><p>If you do feel that ptsd is playing a roll in your own life and decisions and actions, you can for sure reach out and ask for some help delving back into the ugly old stuff, figuring out how to stop it impacting your current life. (Been through this when easy child was a baby, it was a tough thing for me and gosh I hated it, but so glad I did it!) If a counsellor does help you look back and does think that perhaps you had a influence on some of difficult child's stuff, well by all means the right moment in time may come for you to share with your difficult child how you've reached out and taken help available, how xyz has changed for you NOW, and that you recognize xyz about his life and its impact on his life, and you want him to know that from here on out things will be different etc. I think its important to maybe keep this to yourself until you are less "in the moment" of his imminent court stuff and all your tangle of housing and employment etc. difficult child's tend to do a lot of blaming and shaming and scape goating by their very natures. Until he is in a much healthier place emotionally, hearing this from you may well (and probably would for most difficult child's) just fuel his inner belief that he's been oh so wronged and its all YOUR fault and he is not responsable etc. Which is hogwash. And it will NOT help him right now. It may in fact hand him a gift wrapped "excuse" and a literal "get out of jail free" card. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes we can't rescue our kids, even if we wish we'd done thigns different, even when we realize we messed up at times raising them and it impacted their development and their ultimate choices. This seems to be a stage your difficult child is at. What would saving him accomplish right now? Would he be so happy he'd come home, get a education, be a respectful and rule abiding son, respect rules of the home and community, respect laws, respect HIMSELF? It seems unlikely or he wouldn't be where he is. Sometimes this is what our kids need. Better now than as an adult. We have several parents here with adult kids incarcerated. We all know how heart breaking that is. I think your difficult child needs the real world reality check NOW. And I think in his own best interests, he should be allowed to climb his own way out of the pit he's placed himself in. </p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, you love him. Write him letters. Call him. Keep positive in your calls to him. Keep your new awareness from impacting his path right now. Deal with your own path and at some point, the right time will come up to share some stuff with difficult child. Imagine if he's at some point receptive to it instead, and it could be a building block if used at the right time, to a healthy honest adult type relationship for you two.</p><p></p><p>Hope that all makes sense. I'm super tired but feeling your pain in your post and wanted to respond. Your love and caring is apparent for your son. No mother with that heart is responsable for ruining their child, any more than all of us would do some stuff differently if we could now that we have hindsight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 377069, member: 4264"] Wow, thats a lot to absorb. I'm going to give my opinion based on what I think I know about your situation, but fully well knowing I have missed some posts over time from you and that, well, we never know everything about someones life etc. So this is just a gut feeling of mine and said with caring and what seems from this outside viewpoint, to make sense. I think you should do as you mentioned in the end. Use this time to get things together for you. Let difficult child use this time to try to get his act together and a chance to forge a new beginning when he eventually is released. I say this for multiple reasons. First, you're in a fine pickled mess right now with the house, unemployment etc. It's a heck of a lot to work through and it really MUST be your focus right now, with or without difficult child in custody. Second, okay, lets say ALL of difficult child's problems are because of YOU (I don't feel that it is even possible, honestly, I mean that. We all do things we look back on and realize negatively impacted our children, but short of you being certifiable ? You in no way caused all of his problems. ANyhow, lets pretend it is ALL your fault. What difference does it make now? He needs help. Of a kind no mother can give. He needs the tough help, the professional help, the structured setting, and a great big light bulb moment of his own. Know what I mean?? He has to take this time to make or break his chances for success when he gets out. And frankly, even if in therapy he decided it all WAS your fault? Therapy is the tool he needs. And he needs a lot of help. Not some counsellors chair a couple times a week. Also, our kids grow up and our dynamic (parent/child) is not healthy, it isn't easy to change when still in the same household. It is much more likely to develop into one of mutual respect and compatability while in seperate dwellings. Right now, you need to do your own stuff. And really, I feel he needs to do his own. His issues aren't about mom. Even IF they were up until now, at this stage, he needs to learn to live for himself, make choices for himself, live with his successes or his failures, its time for your difficult child to claim responsability for his own actions. It is so easy to look back at our lives and think we could have, should have, etc did xyz different. Or crud! I wish I hadn't said xyz or shared xyz with them. Or I .... Or I .... It could be an endless loop for most of us. It ultimately gets us nowhere. If you do feel that ptsd is playing a roll in your own life and decisions and actions, you can for sure reach out and ask for some help delving back into the ugly old stuff, figuring out how to stop it impacting your current life. (Been through this when easy child was a baby, it was a tough thing for me and gosh I hated it, but so glad I did it!) If a counsellor does help you look back and does think that perhaps you had a influence on some of difficult child's stuff, well by all means the right moment in time may come for you to share with your difficult child how you've reached out and taken help available, how xyz has changed for you NOW, and that you recognize xyz about his life and its impact on his life, and you want him to know that from here on out things will be different etc. I think its important to maybe keep this to yourself until you are less "in the moment" of his imminent court stuff and all your tangle of housing and employment etc. difficult child's tend to do a lot of blaming and shaming and scape goating by their very natures. Until he is in a much healthier place emotionally, hearing this from you may well (and probably would for most difficult child's) just fuel his inner belief that he's been oh so wronged and its all YOUR fault and he is not responsable etc. Which is hogwash. And it will NOT help him right now. It may in fact hand him a gift wrapped "excuse" and a literal "get out of jail free" card. Sometimes we can't rescue our kids, even if we wish we'd done thigns different, even when we realize we messed up at times raising them and it impacted their development and their ultimate choices. This seems to be a stage your difficult child is at. What would saving him accomplish right now? Would he be so happy he'd come home, get a education, be a respectful and rule abiding son, respect rules of the home and community, respect laws, respect HIMSELF? It seems unlikely or he wouldn't be where he is. Sometimes this is what our kids need. Better now than as an adult. We have several parents here with adult kids incarcerated. We all know how heart breaking that is. I think your difficult child needs the real world reality check NOW. And I think in his own best interests, he should be allowed to climb his own way out of the pit he's placed himself in. Meanwhile, you love him. Write him letters. Call him. Keep positive in your calls to him. Keep your new awareness from impacting his path right now. Deal with your own path and at some point, the right time will come up to share some stuff with difficult child. Imagine if he's at some point receptive to it instead, and it could be a building block if used at the right time, to a healthy honest adult type relationship for you two. Hope that all makes sense. I'm super tired but feeling your pain in your post and wanted to respond. Your love and caring is apparent for your son. No mother with that heart is responsable for ruining their child, any more than all of us would do some stuff differently if we could now that we have hindsight. [/QUOTE]
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I just had a light bulb moment and now I don't know what to do
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