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I just want to tell you what a terrible mother i am - long
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 292994" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, fair warning here - my suggestions will be from the point of view of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). First, it's what I understand. Second, all you describe matches what I've been through with difficult child 1 and what I'm on the edge of with difficult child 3. So I'm telling you what we've had advised for us, plus what seems to work for us.</p><p></p><p>1) In the absence of him agreeing to go see a therapist, YOU become the therapist. This also means you need to look after your own mental health and get some ideas on how to handle him. Hopefully you can get him to the point where he will accept therapy - under a Health Care Plan organised via the GP (and bulk-billable under Medicare) you should be able to get him into some therapy (aim for CBT) for a limited course (which can be extended should the need be seen, but don't tell him that). You might be able to persuade him on the basis of "It's only for six weeks, it's not costing anything, and who knows? It could lead to some good stuff."</p><p>He also needs to know - therapy is not nagging, it's about teaching him a more productive way of thinking and sorting out his own problems. Teaching him how to feel better about himself and how to enjoy life more. It's having someone else to whine to, who might have some constructive ideas for him.</p><p></p><p>2) I think you've mentioned before you don't have TV? But you just said that he watches TV. So if there is a TV in the house and in his room, it needs to come out into the main part of the house so he watches it in the company of other people. TV is NOT a bad thing, it's actually got a lot going for it. Yes, there is an increasing tendency for families to eat dinner in front of the box and to not talk togeter at meal times - you can still legislate for TV-free mealtimes. But having the TV where everyone can watch it means you can see the same things, you have things to talk about and discuss. Conversation practice is a good thing for everybody, including the German student!</p><p></p><p>3) Gaming - with the TV in the main family area, you now need to get a Wii game system. Get it with the Wii Fit package and the Wii Sports. I would also recommend Mario Party. All of these can be played as a family, it is really great for family sharing, it teaches a lot of social skills as well as coordination (mental and physical). The games get you out of your chair and physically active. And also it does it as a grop, so you can share each other's attempts. Not only lots of fun, but alos very good for cognitive development across all ages. Seriously - this is good stuff. It would boost his morale, cherub's morale, your morale - I also use Mario Party game time together (me and difficult child 3 playing together) as a reward for him. Either a certain time limit or, easier to measure, a certain number of rounds of a game. Mario Party is like an interactive board game, you can set different skill levels so Cherub can have hers set easier than, say, daughter or DS.</p><p>Wii stuff, especially Wii Fit & Wii Sports - it will have him playing the computer games (difficult child 3's therapist recommended that too) as well as watching TV as well as getting physical activity, all rolled up together. And he won't even realise he will be exercising!</p><p>difficult child 3 has taken the Wii tennis further now into a weekly game on a real tennis court. He'd never have done this without the Wii Sports first. There's a whole range of active games - the teen favourite generally seems to be Raving Rabbids - they're insane rabbits that you have to shoot before they get to you, it's very Looney Tunes meets The Blob, and you armed with a crossbow pointed at the screen. The crossbow fires suction cup arrows which nevertheless still seem to be lethal to the Rabbids. Hilarious to play or to watch. Mario Party also has its very physical moments. Seriously - therapists are taking Wii Fit and Wii Sports into old folks homes and getting the inmates up and moving, having fun while staying healthy. This is good stuff!</p><p></p><p>Music - listen to it with him, analyse the lyrics with him, discuss it with him. Ask him what he likes about his music and try to cultivate a taste for it (or at least appreciation on some level) yourself.</p><p>For example, difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2 for a while were very into Rammstein. They played some for me and while I found the growling, gutteral booming of it a bit depressing after the second track, I was pleasantly surprised at how clear the diction was. All in German, but I could understand enough from my school German to want to know more, so I Googled info on the band and the lyrics and found some very interesting stuff which I shared with the kids.</p><p>The benefits of this - they felt valued because I had taken the trouble to find out about stuff they were intereested in. I felt more comfortable because I understood their interests better and also knew more about what they were up to. And with what I found out (the lyrics are often double-meaning, with Rammstein, I've shared the info with teachers of German in high school and they also find it interesting) we've been able to share this knowledge more widely. It also totally astonishes other teens now, when I recognise Rammstein's music (and of course other bands my kids shared with me). </p><p>I still don't choose to listen to Rammstein, but I can still admire the intelligence in their work.</p><p></p><p>Even Eminem's lyrics are of value - it's just a matter of looking and finding out. If you find you don't like his music, find out what about it HE likes, then try to find something you can both agree on. Find the meeting place. Maybe when you want him to do something, tell him that while he does it, he has his choice of music playing out loud. Although I'm not sure how you could apply that to filling the water containers...</p><p></p><p>Talk to the GP, see what you can set up. And I think you could be on te money with all the change in the household, especially with the loss of attention he's feeling. By putting in place some of these things, you're giving him back some attention. And it's always imprtant to give erach kid some positive one-on-one time.</p><p></p><p>A suggestion on how to do this - would he work with you on the water containers? I often find that difficult child 3 will willingly work alongside me to do a chore, and yet moan and carry on if I ask him to do it on his own. Often I ask him to do Chore A while I do Chore B, and we get it all done happily, yet if I asked him to do Chore A while I'm elsewhere doing Chore C - whining.</p><p>Some chores they love. Today at the train track, difficult child 3 chose to stand out in the sprinkling showers in the cold, and chip slag off the welded rails waiting to be installed. It's a job other people hate, but difficult child 3 loves it. Nobody can understand why. He's a kid who given half a chance will sit and play computer games 24/7, yet here he was for hours (literally) chip-chipping away.</p><p>It takes time and observation to find out whata difficult child enjoys doing, so don't try to engage his enthusiasm too early. </p><p></p><p>Giving him responsibility and using praise is good. At least to begin with. Even if you feel you have to push yourself to praise him for filling the water containers, do it as much as you honestly can.</p><p></p><p>We'll get there. I likewhat you said you did (another thread) when you told him he couldn't have his drink or breakfast until he'dtended to the animals. When he says, "Tomorrow," the answer is - "It has to be done again tomorrow as well."</p><p></p><p>It's a much nicer job to do, if you don't leave it for too long.</p><p>Example - we have chooks. We gave one of our roosters to a neighbour who also had a few chooks. Our chooks - each day we empty out the water dishes (we use plastic ice cream containers sitting in wooden boxes), rinse them out (the garden gets all this benefit) and then fill them with fresh water. The bowls may get a bit grungy over time unless we scrub them, but the water smells OK.</p><p>The neighbour - he never emptied the bowls, he would simply stand there and hose them. This meant that the chookhouse floor got wet and mucky (wet chook manure and mulch turns to smelly mud and ferments) and the bowls always had some rancid muck in it (because chooks haven't got the brains to nnot poop in their water bowls.) He visited our chooks, wanted to know why our chookhouse doens't smell. I said, "we change the water every day."</p><p>He replied, "So do I, I hose it all out."</p><p>I tried to explain that you need to totally change the water, plus NOT get the rest of the chookhouse wet. if you do get it wet you spread garden lime to sweeten it.</p><p>He never could get it, because of the primary problem - he never wanted to get his fingers mucky form picking up the water container and tipping it out. The crazy thing is - HE didn't want to get his FINGERS mucky, but it was the same stuff he expected his hens to DRINK! And he wondered why we got more eggs!</p><p></p><p>Maybe trying to put things in thisperspective for DS could help - so he can really identify with the animals and not think of them as objects. It helps the empathy, which again is someting we need to work on with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). They ARE capable of it but need to learn it more intensely.</p><p></p><p>Enough for mow. Bedtime.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 292994, member: 1991"] OK, fair warning here - my suggestions will be from the point of view of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). First, it's what I understand. Second, all you describe matches what I've been through with difficult child 1 and what I'm on the edge of with difficult child 3. So I'm telling you what we've had advised for us, plus what seems to work for us. 1) In the absence of him agreeing to go see a therapist, YOU become the therapist. This also means you need to look after your own mental health and get some ideas on how to handle him. Hopefully you can get him to the point where he will accept therapy - under a Health Care Plan organised via the GP (and bulk-billable under Medicare) you should be able to get him into some therapy (aim for CBT) for a limited course (which can be extended should the need be seen, but don't tell him that). You might be able to persuade him on the basis of "It's only for six weeks, it's not costing anything, and who knows? It could lead to some good stuff." He also needs to know - therapy is not nagging, it's about teaching him a more productive way of thinking and sorting out his own problems. Teaching him how to feel better about himself and how to enjoy life more. It's having someone else to whine to, who might have some constructive ideas for him. 2) I think you've mentioned before you don't have TV? But you just said that he watches TV. So if there is a TV in the house and in his room, it needs to come out into the main part of the house so he watches it in the company of other people. TV is NOT a bad thing, it's actually got a lot going for it. Yes, there is an increasing tendency for families to eat dinner in front of the box and to not talk togeter at meal times - you can still legislate for TV-free mealtimes. But having the TV where everyone can watch it means you can see the same things, you have things to talk about and discuss. Conversation practice is a good thing for everybody, including the German student! 3) Gaming - with the TV in the main family area, you now need to get a Wii game system. Get it with the Wii Fit package and the Wii Sports. I would also recommend Mario Party. All of these can be played as a family, it is really great for family sharing, it teaches a lot of social skills as well as coordination (mental and physical). The games get you out of your chair and physically active. And also it does it as a grop, so you can share each other's attempts. Not only lots of fun, but alos very good for cognitive development across all ages. Seriously - this is good stuff. It would boost his morale, cherub's morale, your morale - I also use Mario Party game time together (me and difficult child 3 playing together) as a reward for him. Either a certain time limit or, easier to measure, a certain number of rounds of a game. Mario Party is like an interactive board game, you can set different skill levels so Cherub can have hers set easier than, say, daughter or DS. Wii stuff, especially Wii Fit & Wii Sports - it will have him playing the computer games (difficult child 3's therapist recommended that too) as well as watching TV as well as getting physical activity, all rolled up together. And he won't even realise he will be exercising! difficult child 3 has taken the Wii tennis further now into a weekly game on a real tennis court. He'd never have done this without the Wii Sports first. There's a whole range of active games - the teen favourite generally seems to be Raving Rabbids - they're insane rabbits that you have to shoot before they get to you, it's very Looney Tunes meets The Blob, and you armed with a crossbow pointed at the screen. The crossbow fires suction cup arrows which nevertheless still seem to be lethal to the Rabbids. Hilarious to play or to watch. Mario Party also has its very physical moments. Seriously - therapists are taking Wii Fit and Wii Sports into old folks homes and getting the inmates up and moving, having fun while staying healthy. This is good stuff! Music - listen to it with him, analyse the lyrics with him, discuss it with him. Ask him what he likes about his music and try to cultivate a taste for it (or at least appreciation on some level) yourself. For example, difficult child 1 & easy child 2/difficult child 2 for a while were very into Rammstein. They played some for me and while I found the growling, gutteral booming of it a bit depressing after the second track, I was pleasantly surprised at how clear the diction was. All in German, but I could understand enough from my school German to want to know more, so I Googled info on the band and the lyrics and found some very interesting stuff which I shared with the kids. The benefits of this - they felt valued because I had taken the trouble to find out about stuff they were intereested in. I felt more comfortable because I understood their interests better and also knew more about what they were up to. And with what I found out (the lyrics are often double-meaning, with Rammstein, I've shared the info with teachers of German in high school and they also find it interesting) we've been able to share this knowledge more widely. It also totally astonishes other teens now, when I recognise Rammstein's music (and of course other bands my kids shared with me). I still don't choose to listen to Rammstein, but I can still admire the intelligence in their work. Even Eminem's lyrics are of value - it's just a matter of looking and finding out. If you find you don't like his music, find out what about it HE likes, then try to find something you can both agree on. Find the meeting place. Maybe when you want him to do something, tell him that while he does it, he has his choice of music playing out loud. Although I'm not sure how you could apply that to filling the water containers... Talk to the GP, see what you can set up. And I think you could be on te money with all the change in the household, especially with the loss of attention he's feeling. By putting in place some of these things, you're giving him back some attention. And it's always imprtant to give erach kid some positive one-on-one time. A suggestion on how to do this - would he work with you on the water containers? I often find that difficult child 3 will willingly work alongside me to do a chore, and yet moan and carry on if I ask him to do it on his own. Often I ask him to do Chore A while I do Chore B, and we get it all done happily, yet if I asked him to do Chore A while I'm elsewhere doing Chore C - whining. Some chores they love. Today at the train track, difficult child 3 chose to stand out in the sprinkling showers in the cold, and chip slag off the welded rails waiting to be installed. It's a job other people hate, but difficult child 3 loves it. Nobody can understand why. He's a kid who given half a chance will sit and play computer games 24/7, yet here he was for hours (literally) chip-chipping away. It takes time and observation to find out whata difficult child enjoys doing, so don't try to engage his enthusiasm too early. Giving him responsibility and using praise is good. At least to begin with. Even if you feel you have to push yourself to praise him for filling the water containers, do it as much as you honestly can. We'll get there. I likewhat you said you did (another thread) when you told him he couldn't have his drink or breakfast until he'dtended to the animals. When he says, "Tomorrow," the answer is - "It has to be done again tomorrow as well." It's a much nicer job to do, if you don't leave it for too long. Example - we have chooks. We gave one of our roosters to a neighbour who also had a few chooks. Our chooks - each day we empty out the water dishes (we use plastic ice cream containers sitting in wooden boxes), rinse them out (the garden gets all this benefit) and then fill them with fresh water. The bowls may get a bit grungy over time unless we scrub them, but the water smells OK. The neighbour - he never emptied the bowls, he would simply stand there and hose them. This meant that the chookhouse floor got wet and mucky (wet chook manure and mulch turns to smelly mud and ferments) and the bowls always had some rancid muck in it (because chooks haven't got the brains to nnot poop in their water bowls.) He visited our chooks, wanted to know why our chookhouse doens't smell. I said, "we change the water every day." He replied, "So do I, I hose it all out." I tried to explain that you need to totally change the water, plus NOT get the rest of the chookhouse wet. if you do get it wet you spread garden lime to sweeten it. He never could get it, because of the primary problem - he never wanted to get his fingers mucky form picking up the water container and tipping it out. The crazy thing is - HE didn't want to get his FINGERS mucky, but it was the same stuff he expected his hens to DRINK! And he wondered why we got more eggs! Maybe trying to put things in thisperspective for DS could help - so he can really identify with the animals and not think of them as objects. It helps the empathy, which again is someting we need to work on with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). They ARE capable of it but need to learn it more intensely. Enough for mow. Bedtime. Marg [/QUOTE]
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