I just wish I could get a break.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ggluvbug, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. ggluvbug

    ggluvbug New Member

    I am so emotionally worn out by my son. And now, he is starting to go through puberty and it is getting worse. He has been being really aggressive with me. He threw a chair at me a few weeks ago. He has been raising his fists at me, and he has been aggressive and mean. Last night, he told me "I just wish I was grown up already so I could go on ahead and kill you."
    I am at a loss. I hate to say this, but it is so much nicer in the house when he isn't here.
    And I know he can behave because he will go to other people's houses and does it there. But at school and home, he is a terror. Some of it is his illness, but alot is more than that. He is sooooo angry all the time. And I just want to scream.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi, welcome.
    I know how you feel.
    How long has your son been on medications?
    My son was the same as yours up until about a yr ago. He started to mature, and our behavior modification, plus counseling, plus Adderal for ADHD, plus holding back our son a yr in school, all helped. Oh, and diet, too.
    My son used to say things about killing me all the time. The child psychiatric said that's how a lot of kids express anger. We put limits on our son's vocabulary and told him he'd lose privileges if he used language like that. We also talked to him when he was calm to see if he really meant it. (He said he was just angry and it was the first thought that came into his head, which validated the therapist's opinion.)
    I like that your son has added, "I wish I was grown up already ..." because you can assume he's not an immediate threat, in addition to which, you can talk to him when he's calm, repeat the sentence back to him calmly, and ask him why he wouldn't just move out instead of killing you since he could easily move out? Surely, he will opt for moving out. That will get him thinking in another direction.

    Yes, the house is more peaceful when he's not here.

    Luckily, Adderal has helped our son so much, we haven't needed any other medications. He's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. No kidding! His anger and inattention peak with-o his Adderal. Truly amazing.
    We thought he was bipolar for a while, but it's too obvious that most of his issues are with-me, which, as you will see as you read the notes on this bb, is very common. The moms get his the worst.

    Good luck!
  3. ggluvbug

    ggluvbug New Member

    See that is another part of this whole thing, he will come back later so remorseful. I am SO tired of hearing "I'm sorry"
    He has been on medications since he was 6. He can't take ADD medications, although he does have attention issues. They activate lots of anxiety and aggression in him. He was hospitalized for 10 days last year after being put on adderal.
    He is *finally* going to get to see a therapist regularly. He has seen someone in the past, but our current insurance stinks and I can't afford weekly therapy. But I just received a healthcare grant, and I now have his therapy covered weekly for the next year. (Sigh of relief)
  4. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I havent reached the puberty years yet. Mine is only 3 but I can offer hugs and good thoughts your way. I hope you get some relaxing time!
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I dreaded puberty with good cause.

    I know your pain; you have my sympathies.
  6. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I tell my daughter all the time if she were really sorry, she wouldn't keep doing it. I know what you mean about being tired of hearing it over and over again but not seeing a change in the behavior.

  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    What a special statement. Isn't it good that he'll wait until he's grown until he takes his physical acts of aggression to commit homicide? :rolleyes: :nonono: :scared: I'm so sorry that your difficult child has gotten to this point.

    I, too, hate the "terms of endearment" that tend to come with puberty - not fun at all.

    Please, please, please, if your difficult child acts aggressively toward you or others call & get him help. Take him to ER for an admit. He needs to learn that physical acts of violence will not be tolerated. Period! My rule of thumb here - if it's not acceptable out in the community than it's not acceptable here at home.

    That has made a huge impact for kt.

    In the meantime, take care of yourself...let husband pick up the slack when he can.
  8. ggluvbug

    ggluvbug New Member

    What is so frustrating too is that even though it wears me out all the time, it just seems normal now. I talk to other people and they are blown away by what I deal with, but it just seems normal to me now. And I don't want my daughters to think this is normal. They are pretty well adjusted and I don't want this rubbing off on them.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think Heather said it well - if he were sorry, he would learn to not keep saying it.

    I went through this with difficult child 3, he can still rage sometimes but is now a bit more rational with it. But when he would say horrible things and later say sorry, I never just accepted it, I would say, "Saying sorry doesn't take the pain away that you caused. Some words are very difficult to take back because they've already hurt. It was silly to say what you did, because now you regret it. It is much better to not say it, than to say it and then later say sorry."
    I would also sometimes add, "I accept the apology because I love you, but also because I love you I'm still hurting."

  10. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    <span style="color: #FF0000">i feel you and my son is only 11 puberty haven't hit yet! thank god </span>
  11. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Wow, your son and my son, could be brothers. The bad reaction to stims ending up in psychiatric hospital happened to us as well.........and the violence has been ongoing since he was a toddler.

    Linda was right though, you cannot let him start to think this is acceptable behavior. He needs to go to an ER if he becomes violent. In fact, have you talked to the psychiatrist lately about his medications? If he is violent a couple of times a week, it seems the medications may be off. In a lot of these kids with mood issues, they need 2 mood stabilizers. Like Depakote and Lithium, or Depakote and Tegretol - as well as a medication like Abilify. I know it is a lot of medications, but sometimes, for awhile, that is what we need to do to keep them stable enough to live at home.

    Keep coming back to this board, even daily if you have to, so you can keep your perspective about what behavior is normal, and what is not. Even just to read posts, seems to help me keep my reality front and center, and keeps me from slipping into the land of denial about what is really going on in my home.
  12. ggluvbug

    ggluvbug New Member

    Today was alot better than the last couple of days. We had a conference with his teachers at school today. He is failing reading now because he has put forth no effort lately.
    We laid down the law, and I let him know that if he doesn't pull it together, I will be withdrawing him from his gifted class (of which I am his teacher....that is a whole other topic).
    He has been surprisingly good tonight......holding my breath...
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad today was better. It's worrisome when we start to think these types of behaviors are normal-I know because I've been feeling the same way lately. Hugs.