I knew it was a risk

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ML, Dec 14, 2008.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    About a year ago I decided to help a good friend get a loan because she was having some trouble financially and had no money for Christmas. Against my better judgment, I went with my heart and co-signed. Throughout the last year she has been late a few times and I have had to make the payment once or twice. What happened was that her situation got worse because she had to have surgery on her arm and the medical bills pushed her down further. She is separated from an abusive husband. Her life has been hard. She told me that she was late on the payment this month and was going to get a payday loan which is risky business. I went ahead and made the payment again even though it means I can't give some of the gifts I was planning on to other friends.

    So yes, I'm enabling to some degree. My husband also told me that I overgive and that do I think people are going to love me if I give that way. It made me think.

    Just stuff for me to ponder.
  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    This is a hard one. Because you signed on it it could be your problem, obviously.

    But the whole thing about the giving.
    Does it make you feel good? Do you give just to give, from your heart?

    My mother in law gives and then kind of keeps a tally... I would not call that giving from the heart. She strives to be the matriarch of the family and desperately wants to be the puppet master.
    She accounts for EVERY made up holiday and even makes them up! LOl

    husband and I have given and loaned a lot. We gave a friend of his some money 2 years ago to start a Restaraunt in Chicago. We were going to see the money back in 6 months, then a year... have not seen it yet. But we fully talked about this prior to loaning it.
    I have given my friends things and money to help get them through when I have had the money or things to do so. Never gave it a second thought. Sometimes I didn't even tell them who it was from.
    I think no matter what your husband says , as long as you feel good about why and how you do it and it is not putting you in financial ruins.
    Maybe you can explain why it makes you feel good to give.
    Unless you think husband is correct???
    Of course we all want people to like/love us, but if we know they will without the gift, is the real question.
    I don't know kind of rambling... coffee kicking in!
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    I did it from my heart. She was a good friend already and would have loved me anyway so I guess my intentions were good and at the end of the day probably matter most. I do like giving, yes it does make me feel good and I don't expect anything back.

    But I am also guilty of giving too much in relationships and that's probably more what I need to work on :)

    Hugs and thanks,

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well.......she could've not made the payment and not told you about it. At least she's being honest which let's you know what's going on.

    easy child's husband co-signed on a school loan for one of PCs friends. Came back to bite them both in the arse big time. Friend never bothered to pay on the loan. (40,000) And never told easy child about it. Not a single payment. easy child and sister in law found out when the loan co started calling them and demanding payment. Bad because by then the loan was severely in arears (sp). And easy child couldn't even get them to cooperate without a major battle.

    easy child and sister in law have been paying on this loan for a year now. The friend has still paid nothing. Loan company isn't even going after her. Finally after this month the past due amt will be gone and the kids can start making the normal loan payment.

    They learned their lesson the hard way. I'd told them not to do it. I never co-sign. Never. Not even for my own kids. Anything can happen and you're stuck with that dept.

    You've learned a valuable lesson. Literally. I hope friends health improves and she can take over the loan and you're not stuck.

    Me, I don't loan money. Period. Even when someone has to borrow from me I never even consider it unless it won't hurt me not to get the money back. That way if they pay me back it's great, if they don't it's no sweat because I didn't expect it in the first place.

    Getting a loan for xmas is in my opinion silly. Believe me, we've had our fair share of lean ones. But it just makes the nice ones so much better and more appreciated.

    Unfortunately now you're stuck. If friend can't / won't pay on the loan you have to or you're credit will be affected.

    Such a bummer when an act of kindness comes back to haunt you.

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I'm with Daisy and you - I give out of my heart with no expectations of getting it back. If I really need a loan to be paid back, I will not give it because it would be a sign that I could not afford it and not a good example for the person asking.

    I think it would be extremely selfish if you gave to gain people's love. It will never work. True giving is such as you do.

    I have had people say to me, "But what is in it for you?" when I give but that is not why I give. Giving is "What is in it for the person you give to."
  6. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Sounds like karma to me. She's in a hard place, you're a great friend who helped. One day you might need something from her, like a hug and a long chat.

    One piece of advice: STAY AWAY FROM THE PAYDAY LOAN PLACES!!! It will only make things worse for her.

  7. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I"m sorry first that your friend is having such problems, and secondly that you are getting stuck financially due to your giving nature.

    Yet I can see your point in the giving too much in relationships, I often find myself doing that as well. Your a good person though, especially this time of year to of made the payment. IF it's from your heart, it's all good.

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I do not borrow money - nor do I loan money.

    I will GIVE you money if I can but I never expect to get money back. It keeps the peace in my head better if I can just give it.

    Recently a friend of Dude's Mother pulled up in our yard. We have loved her kid for as long as I can remember and he's been a good friend to Dude. She asked for 20.00 and was going to go right to the gas station and then come back with the money from the ATM. We haven't seen her in 3 months.

    The fact that SHE said - I WILL PAY YOU BACK RIGHT away? Okay - NOW I expect it back. A friend told me that if it only cost $20 to find out of she was honest? Then it was worth 20.00 to keep her gone.

    I think your friend instead of depending on you? Should get out and get a second job - and pay you back. I would never be able to allow someone to cosign anything for me and not work twice as hard to pay them back.

    She's lucky she's got you for a friend.