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I know I need to let go, but how?
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 629741" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Actually, yes, kids who are too close to Mom usually want to put some distance between them at some time. It can not stay that way forever as your daughter will marry and have children and will certainly NOT want your input too often, if you are prone to giving her "suggestions." Grown kids like to be allowed to live their own lives without parental interference. We've all seen the crazy, overly involved mother or father in sit coms and it's endaring, but in real life many of our adult children don't want Mom and Dad to treat them as if they are still their "little girl" even if they feel that way.</p><p></p><p>I was very, very close to my daughter Jumper, who just turned eighteen. We are still close emotionally and that bond will never break. But she doesn't tell me every little thing, like she used to, and she much rather be with her girl pals and boyfriend than with me. It's understandable and a normal step that most adult children take. She will be away at college soon and I will miss her, but I know she has to be free to fly her own path. It is not an insult. It is a testimony to good parenting. We give them "roots to grow and wings to fly." We let them have their own successes and make their own mistakes. And unless they are very unusal adult children, they feel bad and dislike if we do tell them that their boyfriend isn't good enough for them or that we don't like him or that their chosen profession in life won't make them enough money. I learned from listening to others with young kids, when I was also a young mother, how they just did not like too much parental interference, and I decided I wouldn't do it once they were grown up. We all do it before then because we have to. So it may seem like your daughter isn't close to your anymore, but she is probably still emotionally close to you in her heart...she is just asking for some distance. If you are the type that wants to know everything about her, hey, I am on my fourth kid. The time comes when we don't know everything. And then they grow up and if we have given them the space they needed often they do start sharing again, as long as we don't lecture or criticize. It is quite a cycle, but all a part of life.</p><p></p><p>It is sad that your daughter left in anger, but so did my oldest daughter. She was doing drugs and the last thing she said when we made her leave was, "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!"</p><p></p><p>I cried for three weeks.</p><p></p><p>Fast forward a long time and she is almost thirty and expecting our granddaughter with her SO of eleven years. We are very close. There is no anger. We had plenty of years to talk about t he problems we had and we both took responsibility for our parts and moved on.</p><p></p><p>Since you have absolutely no control over your daughter, I think the best thing to do is to find out who you are. You don't seem to know. Nobody is just a mother of our children. There is a person inside who has certain likes and dislikes and hobbies and interests and wishes and dreams. I would seek therapy to help you find out who that person underneath "mother" is. Your other daughter will also get older and leave. And we are left with ourselves. And that can be the best time of our life, if we embrace it and enjoy ourselves. Remember this too: Time is your friend.</p><p></p><p>Letting go is a loving thing to do. It is hard on us, but it is NOT for us. It is for them. When she calls, be friendly and let her do most of the talking. Don't interject your opinions. Praise her when she is happy. If she is abusive, though, I would not allow that, but it doesn't sound like she has been abusive since she left. Maybe it is something she had to do for herself. What is good for them often hurts us. Do you think I want Jumper to go to college? Secretly I'll miss her, although she is rarely home.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 629741, member: 1550"] Actually, yes, kids who are too close to Mom usually want to put some distance between them at some time. It can not stay that way forever as your daughter will marry and have children and will certainly NOT want your input too often, if you are prone to giving her "suggestions." Grown kids like to be allowed to live their own lives without parental interference. We've all seen the crazy, overly involved mother or father in sit coms and it's endaring, but in real life many of our adult children don't want Mom and Dad to treat them as if they are still their "little girl" even if they feel that way. I was very, very close to my daughter Jumper, who just turned eighteen. We are still close emotionally and that bond will never break. But she doesn't tell me every little thing, like she used to, and she much rather be with her girl pals and boyfriend than with me. It's understandable and a normal step that most adult children take. She will be away at college soon and I will miss her, but I know she has to be free to fly her own path. It is not an insult. It is a testimony to good parenting. We give them "roots to grow and wings to fly." We let them have their own successes and make their own mistakes. And unless they are very unusal adult children, they feel bad and dislike if we do tell them that their boyfriend isn't good enough for them or that we don't like him or that their chosen profession in life won't make them enough money. I learned from listening to others with young kids, when I was also a young mother, how they just did not like too much parental interference, and I decided I wouldn't do it once they were grown up. We all do it before then because we have to. So it may seem like your daughter isn't close to your anymore, but she is probably still emotionally close to you in her heart...she is just asking for some distance. If you are the type that wants to know everything about her, hey, I am on my fourth kid. The time comes when we don't know everything. And then they grow up and if we have given them the space they needed often they do start sharing again, as long as we don't lecture or criticize. It is quite a cycle, but all a part of life. It is sad that your daughter left in anger, but so did my oldest daughter. She was doing drugs and the last thing she said when we made her leave was, "I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!" I cried for three weeks. Fast forward a long time and she is almost thirty and expecting our granddaughter with her SO of eleven years. We are very close. There is no anger. We had plenty of years to talk about t he problems we had and we both took responsibility for our parts and moved on. Since you have absolutely no control over your daughter, I think the best thing to do is to find out who you are. You don't seem to know. Nobody is just a mother of our children. There is a person inside who has certain likes and dislikes and hobbies and interests and wishes and dreams. I would seek therapy to help you find out who that person underneath "mother" is. Your other daughter will also get older and leave. And we are left with ourselves. And that can be the best time of our life, if we embrace it and enjoy ourselves. Remember this too: Time is your friend. Letting go is a loving thing to do. It is hard on us, but it is NOT for us. It is for them. When she calls, be friendly and let her do most of the talking. Don't interject your opinions. Praise her when she is happy. If she is abusive, though, I would not allow that, but it doesn't sound like she has been abusive since she left. Maybe it is something she had to do for herself. What is good for them often hurts us. Do you think I want Jumper to go to college? Secretly I'll miss her, although she is rarely home. You are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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