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I made difficult child the way he is
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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 254640" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>Kjs, you stop thinking that way right this minute! DO NOT accept the blame for things that you have NOT done! </p><p> </p><p>Honestly, I could have written the <em>exact same things</em> about 15 years ago when my kids were growing up! I spent twenty years in a verbally abusive marriage to an alcoholic. Even though I was the one with all the responsibilities, <em><u>I</u></em> was always the target. Everything was always <em><u>MY</u></em> fault! <u><em>I </em></u>was the object of every disrespectful remark he could come up with, every filthy name he could think of to call me. He was a drunk, he was abusive, he cheated on me and he spent every dime we had, but all our problems with the marriage and the family were <em><u>MY</u></em> fault. If <em><u>I</u></em> would just straighten up, everything would be fine! It got to the point where it was like verbal 'smackdowns' and I would end up just like you, in bed in the middle of the day, crying myself sick, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Never could figure it out, it didn't make sense. It's hard to understand now, but after hearing that for so many years, I really believed all that B.S.! I would agonize over it, trying and trying to figure out what it was that I was doing that was so very wrong to deserve to be treated like that! Why other women were treated with love and respect by their families and I wasn't deserving of the same thing. I thought I was 'different' from other women. Never had a lot of self-esteem anyway and he stomped all over what was left. Trashing your self-esteem and sense of worth is a <em>tactic </em>they use - to keep you down so you're more 'controllable'. He also made it very clear that they would all be better off without me! And when he'd tell me these terrible things, he'd put it like he was speaking for the two kids too, like they felt the same way! I honestly thought they'd be better off with me gone and had lots and lots of suicidal thoughts, but way deep down I <em>knew</em> that my kids needed me, even if they didn't act like it then. I was the only real stability they had.</p><p> </p><p>And Lord only knows what he told the kids! They grew up seeing him treat me that way and they knew no different. My daughter was the worst. She saw him as 'all-powerful' and me as 'weak', so no big surprise which one she'd side with. And she didn't want him going off on her like he did on me. He kind of 'cultivated' her, trying to use her against me, like they were a team. She'd side with him, no matter what! Nothing I did was ever right, everything was my fault, but every excuse in the book for him! Pretty soon, some of the same things were coming out of her mouth, always aimed at <em>me</em>! And as bad as it was coming from him, nothing ever hurt me more than hearing those horrible things coming from her! My son is five years younger and he never really bought in to it, never joined the "I Hate Mama" club. But he was so intimidated by his father that he learned to just keep his mouth shut and stay out of the way. I was strictly a 'single parent' to him.</p><p> </p><p>Thank God, the ex finally left when my daughter was 20 and my son was 15. Should have happened years sooner and we all would have been better off! The peace and quiet in our house was <em>deafening</em>! And we started to heal. And I joined a domestic violence group as a volunteer and I started, for the very first time, to see our situation for what it really was! The verbal abuse can be much more damaging than physical abuse. It takes years and years to heal. And honey, YOU are in a verbally abusive marriage if there ever was one! It is good that you go to a therapist, but I strongly urge you to speak with a domestic violence counselor - it's a very eye-opening experience.</p><p> </p><p>And now - my son and I are fine - always have been. He's healing too. And with my daughter, it has taken years to rebuild our relationship, but we've finally done it! Now she herself has a wonderful marriage and she sees it now from the maturity and perspective of an adult and knows how destructive our home situation was. Neither one has anything to do with their father, they learned his true colors, and haven't even had contact with him in over a year. He doesn't even know he will be a grandfather in a few months ... his loss. And <em><u>I</u></em> was the one that got the phone call that she met a wonderful guy, <u><em>I </em></u>got the excited phone call that he proposed, and <em><u>I</u></em> was the one who got the phone call that she was finally pregnant after four years of trying, and another that it was a little boy! We reap what we sow. Please, PLEASE find a domestic violence counselor and speak with them. It could make all the difference in the world to you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 254640, member: 1883"] Kjs, you stop thinking that way right this minute! DO NOT accept the blame for things that you have NOT done! Honestly, I could have written the [I]exact same things[/I] about 15 years ago when my kids were growing up! I spent twenty years in a verbally abusive marriage to an alcoholic. Even though I was the one with all the responsibilities, [I][U]I[/U][/I] was always the target. Everything was always [I][U]MY[/U][/I] fault! [U][I]I [/I][/U]was the object of every disrespectful remark he could come up with, every filthy name he could think of to call me. He was a drunk, he was abusive, he cheated on me and he spent every dime we had, but all our problems with the marriage and the family were [I][U]MY[/U][/I] fault. If [I][U]I[/U][/I] would just straighten up, everything would be fine! It got to the point where it was like verbal 'smackdowns' and I would end up just like you, in bed in the middle of the day, crying myself sick, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Never could figure it out, it didn't make sense. It's hard to understand now, but after hearing that for so many years, I really believed all that B.S.! I would agonize over it, trying and trying to figure out what it was that I was doing that was so very wrong to deserve to be treated like that! Why other women were treated with love and respect by their families and I wasn't deserving of the same thing. I thought I was 'different' from other women. Never had a lot of self-esteem anyway and he stomped all over what was left. Trashing your self-esteem and sense of worth is a [I]tactic [/I]they use - to keep you down so you're more 'controllable'. He also made it very clear that they would all be better off without me! And when he'd tell me these terrible things, he'd put it like he was speaking for the two kids too, like they felt the same way! I honestly thought they'd be better off with me gone and had lots and lots of suicidal thoughts, but way deep down I [I]knew[/I] that my kids needed me, even if they didn't act like it then. I was the only real stability they had. And Lord only knows what he told the kids! They grew up seeing him treat me that way and they knew no different. My daughter was the worst. She saw him as 'all-powerful' and me as 'weak', so no big surprise which one she'd side with. And she didn't want him going off on her like he did on me. He kind of 'cultivated' her, trying to use her against me, like they were a team. She'd side with him, no matter what! Nothing I did was ever right, everything was my fault, but every excuse in the book for him! Pretty soon, some of the same things were coming out of her mouth, always aimed at [I]me[/I]! And as bad as it was coming from him, nothing ever hurt me more than hearing those horrible things coming from her! My son is five years younger and he never really bought in to it, never joined the "I Hate Mama" club. But he was so intimidated by his father that he learned to just keep his mouth shut and stay out of the way. I was strictly a 'single parent' to him. Thank God, the ex finally left when my daughter was 20 and my son was 15. Should have happened years sooner and we all would have been better off! The peace and quiet in our house was [I]deafening[/I]! And we started to heal. And I joined a domestic violence group as a volunteer and I started, for the very first time, to see our situation for what it really was! The verbal abuse can be much more damaging than physical abuse. It takes years and years to heal. And honey, YOU are in a verbally abusive marriage if there ever was one! It is good that you go to a therapist, but I strongly urge you to speak with a domestic violence counselor - it's a very eye-opening experience. And now - my son and I are fine - always have been. He's healing too. And with my daughter, it has taken years to rebuild our relationship, but we've finally done it! Now she herself has a wonderful marriage and she sees it now from the maturity and perspective of an adult and knows how destructive our home situation was. Neither one has anything to do with their father, they learned his true colors, and haven't even had contact with him in over a year. He doesn't even know he will be a grandfather in a few months ... his loss. And [I][U]I[/U][/I] was the one that got the phone call that she met a wonderful guy, [U][I]I [/I][/U]got the excited phone call that he proposed, and [I][U]I[/U][/I] was the one who got the phone call that she was finally pregnant after four years of trying, and another that it was a little boy! We reap what we sow. Please, PLEASE find a domestic violence counselor and speak with them. It could make all the difference in the world to you! [/QUOTE]
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