I messed up......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Sep 8, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    So October is coming and difficult child is still really excited about bartending school. I was thinking about how I was putting her up in a hotel for that week and thought for just a little more, I could pay her rent somewhere for a month. husband and I are doing better than ever financially and we can afford it. I have been checking out rooms for rent. There are so many people looking for room mates....

    So, she calls me yesterday morning to check in and let me know she is alive and well. I tell her my great idea. I ask her if she knew anyone that was looking for a room mate and she said, yes, she knew someone that was looking to rent a place with someone. So, I tell her if she can find a room mate and keep her portion of the rent under a certain amount, I would pay her rent through the end of October. I told her by then I fully expect her to be working somewhere and she will be responsible for her rent after that.

    And the moment it came out of my mouth I wanted to kick myself in the head. What was I thinking???? I know I am not doing this for her. I know I am doing it for me. I can't stand the thought of her being homeless during the holidays or winter again. :( I would feel better picking her up and dropping her off at a place she actually lived. Ugh. One step forward, two steps back.

    She tells me she has been "scrapping" for money. I told her please do not tell me that you are stealing metal from people's homes and she swears to me that she is only picking up scrap from Craigslist. Of course, I don't believe that for a minute. I look at her phone records and she has been up for days only sleeping the day before yesterday. Nothing is changing. Why am I trying to force change?? Why am I trying to fix her still?? I want to slap myself. There wasn't even a thank you. She developed an entitlement attitude instead asking how much I would be willing to pay. WHY did I do that????

    And her new PO called me. Yeah. He told me straight out that all he was pretty much going to do is call me monthly. I told him no way. I have 31 more days of being involved and then I am out. She will officially be 18 and I will no longer deal with her probation. She has never, ever been affected one iota over her probation. I have been the one inconvenienced. She thinks it is all a joke and it IS. I have begged and pleaded for help and have received nothing. He even told me they would have to petition the judge to keep her case once she turns 18 and he laughed about that. So, really, why do they even bother?? It has been almost two years and they have gotten nowhere with her. What in the world do they think will happen if the judge lets them keep the case? Dumb.

    So, there is my update. I had a weak moment....and regret it. :(
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Try not to think of it as a weak moment, it was a "Mom" moment. We always keep that little glimmer of hope for our kids in the back of our minds even though we know it isn't going to happen. As for the probation, let them do whatever they want to do but make it clear it is not your problem any more. Let them learn the hard way just like we do with our difficult child's. Ugh
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Agree with T's advice.

    And don't feel bad for being an optimistic, loving mother to your daughter regardless of her being a difficult child. Don't let her take you down too, Know what I mean??
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

    Katie will be 32 in Jan. I still catch myself trying to "fix" her. You'd think by now a giant boulder would fall on my head to convince me there is no fixing her. She is what she is.

    And so what that you did it for you? At least you're able to admit that to yourself. And you know what? I don't see anything wrong with it. If her having a place for a couple of months will save you some stress and worry, why not?

    In the end we do what we can live with, otherwise we'd all be loonie.

  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the club. We are fixers, that has been our roll ever since our kids were born and it's hard to give that up. Normally kids mature and start fixing things for themselves but our difficult child's never do and so we continue in that roll until it's no longer healthy for either of us. I know you don't want her to be homeless during the winter or holidays. I didn't want difficult child driving around in the worse areas of the city with no window. So we try to fix and all we do is prolong the inevitable.

    I so know where you are coming from and I think about you and your difficult child often, they sound so similar.

    Last edited: Sep 8, 2011
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dont be so hard on yourself. You will get better with all this. We are moms and we do want to be able to help our kids without think about ulterior motives all the time. It shouldnt be so hard. I do think it eventually gets better. Or we get better. Cory just moved and I actually didnt even know he was moving until after it was over with and until today when Mandy called about the contractions, I didnt have a clue where they had moved to. Cory actually called me from where they are working to tell me where the new place is...lol. I didnt have a thing to do with it.

    I have done a lot of saving of Cory in my time. Probably will again. Thankfully the one thing I have never done was sign a lease for him. I dont trust him enough for that.
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Since you learned something? I'd say chalk it up to a lesson, move on, and realize that this is YOUR absolute. I walked around for quite a while with a rubber band on my wrist and every time I thought I would FIX something? I snapped that bugger so hard it left a mark. Makes you think, remember and that second of instant pain says "OH BUGGER --dont' do THAT again." It's a slap on the wrist if you will telling you to STOP being a fixer, and don't rubber band or BEND to her will, stop STRETCHING to the demands of a life that is never going to learn anything if you keep going out of your way (like the shape of that rubber band).

    In my case? I could have worn the serpentine belt from a Kenworth....but I stuck with snapping myself with a good old #10 every time I talked to Dude and started my sentences with "Well I could, How about if....You know I have.....There is a little....If you want me to......" and WHACK.....NEVER MIND.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    LOVE the rubber band idea!!! May have to use that one...

    I will say, that in no way, would I ever sign a lease on her behalf or even cosign one. I was looking at rooms for rent - month to month situations. Lots and lots of people are renting out rooms in their homes these days. I would pay for the rest of September and the month of October. After that, it would be her responsibility to pay to stay after that. I will feel better when she has that certificate in her hand that gives her just a little help in getting a job.

    But, I haven't heard anything from her. You would think me offering to pay rent somewhere she would be ALL over it. Searching for a place. I even sent her links to check out. I texted her the other day asking if she has gotten anywhere in her search. No response.

    Her phone records tell me she is using. She is on the phone all night long. I don't understand how she can call all these people between 1am - 5am!!! Who is awake at that hour?? No one that is up to any good, that is for sure. But for the past few days her phone use has been crazy. Looks like the drug business is good. Ugh.

    I have decided to no longer push the issue. If she doesn't find a place, then Motel 6 will be her home for that week she attends school....I will put her up there Sunday - Saturday and what she does after that, well, no different than what she has been doing for the past seven months... :(
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs, I do it too from time to time. We can't help it, we're moms through and through! The important thing is that you recognized it and learned once more from it.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is telling you by ignoring it that she does not want your help. So, don't help her.

    Stop checking her phone records and wondering who she is talking to. My difficult child who has never even tried drugs is up all hours of the night. Good people are up late, too. Different life styles and job hours usually.

    The one thing my difficult child said to me that stopped me in my tracks was this:
    "Stop trying to change me and let me be who I want to be."

    I had not realized I was trying to 'change' her. I loved her as she was. I did not think she was making the best choices and felt I needed to still teach her 'parent her'. But, she did not want or need that as I have come to learn.

    So, let her be herself and see where that takes her.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Its amazing how many posts show up on this board between 1am and 5am...
    Now, granted, some of that is due to time zone differences.
    But... really. People can be that different.
    Two adults, same house... the saying was that if they were both awake at 3:00 a.m., one hadn't gone to bed yet and the other was getting up... and it was literally true.

    There's a fine line between 'evidence' and 'supposition'. As parents, especially "experienced" parents with long-term difficult children, our radar tends to go off over all sorts of things. I'm having to learn, as difficult child gets older, to not react so much unless there is hard, cold evidence.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Like!!! There was no "Like" button! I am a night owl too. My H constantly wonders how I can stay up at all hours and still function. I manage. I like being awake in the quiet of the middle of the night sometimes. I'm always surprised at how many folks I see here at 3AM!! difficult child is a sleeper, she loves loves loves to sleep, it is her hobby and favorite pasttime. I accepted a long time ago - H still fights it. There are some things that are just part of who they are and you do have to let go of those things.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I agree that you should stop looking at her pohone records because it will drive you crazy, I know from experience. But I also agree that calling all kinds of people between 1-5 am usually means they are using. When difficult child was in active rehab she was sleeping those hours. As soon as saw she was on the phone all hours again (I know I know, I have to practice what I preach. I'm doing much better), I knew she was relapsing and she was. People can tell me all they want that they are night owls and I know my difficult child. If she is up all night it is because she is using and either high or looking for a high. That information only makes me crazy so I try hard not to look anymore.

    Our difficult child's don't want our help, they are living the way they want to live. For now they think that is a great way to live. All we can do is hope some day they get sick of that life and want to change it, and we have to hope it's not too late.

  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yep that phone record thing can drive you nuts.... been there done that, today even!!!

    So yeah stop looking at them for awhile because it is not helping you right now. I suspect you are right she is using, not so much because she is up all night but because she is not in contact with you and is not jumping at your offer of help!!! I hear more from my son when he is either in serious trouble or doing ok.... not so much imbetween.

    As far as up all night... you know her pattern. My son has always had trouble sleeping and tends to be up at night BUT it is much worse when he is using. The thing is unless you know who she is calling you don't really know what those phone calls are.

    Take some deep breaths, breath, and do something fun for you......

  16. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    I think that we "fixers" are honestly the ones who can handle difficult children. That's why we are parents of difficult children because we were deemed the ones strong enough to have them in our lives. It's in our nature, it's who we are and we are built for difficult children and fixing people. We are naturally inclined to help people, it is like breathing for us.

    Besides, what mother ever wants to see their children homeless, hungry and cold. It's not natural for a mother to want that for their flesh and blood. It IS natural to want the best for our flesh and blood regardless of what they have done and said and are doing and saying.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad I dont have a clue who Cory calls but I know that he personally has a one of those what they call Obama phones where they get 250 minutes a month put on there for free and that is what he uses. Now Mandy has a prepaid phone which is all they can afford for her and I think it is maybe 1000 minutes a month. I dont think they are calling a ton of folks...lol. Odd since Cory was my phone hog when he didnt have to pay the bills. You have no idea how many knock down drag out fights we had over my cell phone. Those led to many of the police calls and now he is having to be conservative on his own...things work out that way...lmao.

    I did fix it for Cory one last time when he moved out in May I think...maybe end of April. I paid the deposit and first months rent. I felt it was worth my while because we wanted him out. I didnt sign the lease. Im glad because he didnt stay. I honestly dont blame him either because the landlord was a witch. The place was decent enough for a little cracker box 4 room house but she wanted to blame them if even stray cats came in his yard! The neighbors had cats and they would often come over and lay on his back porch because Cory and the neighbors became friends. Like Cory could keep a cat from laying on the porch...lol. She would drive by every week and call me or them to ask who belonged to certain cars she saw in his driveway...like I knew? He found a better place that has utilities included out in the country. Little singlewide with a wheelchair ramp for me...lmao.
  18. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I wanted to press the like button as well up there. You were trying to give a hand UP, not a handout. Sometimes we're so excited that they're doing the right thing, we just want to MAKE SURE they continue on that path. I just did the same thing the other day, as the words came out of my mouth I regretted them. difficult child hasn't been to thedentist in YEARS...he needed 3 fillings years ago. Well, he used my insurance and went. He has to have serious work done, he has to come back 3 more times and it'll cost him $120....I was so happy he was going that I agreed to pay half! Why?
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Interesting.....I never thought she may not want my help.......

    But, she called me today asking if husband's place of work was hiring because one of her "homeboys" is looking for a job because he "knocked up" his girlfriend. (insert eyeroll)

    She throws in there - "oh and I found a room mate, but the problem is, rent is due today." So I ask her where it is and who it is with and she tells me and I ask her how much the rent is and she tells me she doesn't know. I told her I would need to see the apartment, ensure she is really living there and will pay the rent directly to the landlord.

    So I am texting her more questions and not getting any responses. I ask if she still wants to start school on the 10th, because I will need to call and get her enrolled. I get the response, "um". I responded and told her look, I am trying to help her but her nonresponsiveness is not working for me. She responds with "my bad". And nothing else!!! Ugh!!!

    I have a feeling miss difficult child thought I would just hand cash over to her saying here honey, here is your rent money. Yeah, not happening. Me thinks she was trying to pull a fast one and realized momma ain't no fool. I know, I invited it by even offering in the first place....

    difficult child is a big time difficult child!!!!
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    None of us do it right all the time every time. Just like our kids have to make mistakes and learn, so do we. We are still learning how to be parents of kids of whatever ages our kids are, so we will make mistakes.

    You didn't fall for her game and give her cash the way she expected. Does she act like she even has any desire to do this course? I know that you want her to because it could help her, but her actions are not saying she wants it.

    Consider that instead of sending messages asking if she wants this or that, simply send her one saying that if she intends to take this course, she must tell you by X date (date of your choosing that would let her enroll with-o causing you difficulty). Include in the message that if you don't hear from her by X date then the course is not an option and you won't bring it up again.

    It would be a way to let her know that this is the time frame and you will accept her choice. If she chooses to not tell you by the deadline, then it is HER problem and not one you need to sort out - she had a very reasonable, doable chance. That is all we can give them.