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I need advice - Long
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 143105" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p>Heather, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are suffering through this. My experience with my own daughter has been a little easier - we've never been a family ashamed of nudity because we don't explicitly associate it with sex. I think it's made it easier for Dancer that way, and it's only now that she's started to be self-conscious around me (which is a good thing). But if I accidentally walk in on her showering, she doesn't scream at me and end up traumatized; in fact, she joked with wife about traumatizing ME when it happened.</p><p></p><p>However, that's us, not necessarily anyone else. For many reasons, I won't venture any ideas about the earlier issues with your daughter. I would, though, recommend that you block the porn. Now. Unconditionally.</p><p></p><p>Why? Well, I wouldn't rule out abuse, but I don't necessarily mean direct physical abuse. I know that looking at porn at that young age can be very traumatizing, and in my humble opinion constitutes a form of abuse. To a confused adolescent trying to find their way, porn is NOT a good roadmap. It is damaging, degrading, and confusing. Porn is misogynistic, does NOT depict "healthy" sex, and portrays women unrealistically when it comes to sexual relationships. </p><p></p><p>For that matter, if a young lady has body image problems, most of the "plastic babes in pornland" would only serve to make them feel worse about themselves and how they look. It can also completely skew (in an unhealthy way) how they <em>think</em> boys/men/males see <em>them</em>, which makes relating to other boys/men more uncomfortable if anything even <em>remotely</em> physical is intimated.</p><p></p><p>So, regardless of what she says, block the porn. It's a start. Take it from a man who was exposed to hardcore porn at a very young age (11), it can really skew your growth, and make it more difficult to understand healthy physical relationships later. Especially when it comes to acceptable behavior, "performance", and other things that are so totally unrealistic in porn. Believe me, I don't measure up to any of the porn studs I saw when I was too young to understand, and it hurt me for a long time. It also screwed up what I thought women wanted, and how they wanted to be treated. Overall, it was just plain bad for me and my friends to see that stuff so young.</p><p></p><p>I would also think about taking her to a mental health professional, preferably one that deals with adolescent addictive behavior. The way you describe how she goes back to view porn, and then regrets it, and then does it again worries me. It may be the start of addictive behavior. It may also be part of a negative behavior cycle where the porn reinforces whatever it is she may believe or think. Regardless, though, I'd get some help for her to mitigate whatever her porn exposure has done.</p><p></p><p>Another reason to block the porn is that maybe it will help with your daughter's behavior. With my sons, before we knew how nasty the Internet was, I never thought twice about them being online. That is, not until they both started spending a lot of time online, and started showing bad behavior problems. I found that they were cruising for porn. I blocked the porn at home, and forbade their use of the Internet at their friends houses (enforced by speaking with their parents). I don't for a moment think it was a complete removal of porn from their lives, but it really cut back on it, and their behavior improved. Keep in mind that I'm speaking specifically about MY kids, and their reactions. I don't know for certain if doing the same would help your daughter, but it sure couldn't hurt.</p><p></p><p>Finally, and I say this with some trepidation, you need to think about what constitutes abuse. In my very humble opinion, an adult has no business exposing a child to porn, period. I'm no prude, and parents have a right to whatever they think is best for their children (within reason and legal restrictions). But what M's mom did was wrong, and I hope your daughter knows that.</p><p></p><p>There may be some legitimate sites on this topic; However, the concept of "educational" sex-ed sites is ambiguous, and calling porn "educational" is a stretch by anyone's definition - and downright wrong when it comes to children. Porn in the early twenties was even marketed as "public health education" to get around prohibition, if you can believe that. </p><p></p><p>But regardless of whether you or I agree with it, M's parents showing her porn is <em>their</em> family problem, not yours - unless there's any chance your daughter was exposed to porn at M's house. If so (i.e. she wasn't just told about porn over the phone), then that's another issue entirely. I would at least ask the question....</p><p></p><p>One other thing you may want to investigate is whether your daughter has been inappropriately contacted online - either at home or at this friend's house. Porn is bad, but at least it's superficial and vicarious - i.e., it involves watching <em>other</em> people. When chat, social network sites with pictures, and other venues draw children into inappropriate communications, now THEY are involved. At that point, it becomes personal and more intense because it's no longer someone else - someone they don't have any connection to. Now, it's <em>them</em> and <em>their lives</em> in the script.</p><p></p><p>Porn is bad, but inappropriate online contact with other kids or predatory adults is far worse. Yet another reason to install porn and other Internet blocks in your house.</p><p></p><p>I would block the porn and filter other Internet activity to the best of your ability so that your home is a "safe place" for your daughter without temptation. I would get her some help to deal with the problems she may be facing from it, and I would make sure she doesn't get exposed to it somewhere else.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for the rant, but this is a very touchy and important subject to me and my family. I hope that it helps in some small way. If not, feel free to blast back :crazy1:</p><p></p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 143105, member: 3579"] Heather, I'm so sorry you and your daughter are suffering through this. My experience with my own daughter has been a little easier - we've never been a family ashamed of nudity because we don't explicitly associate it with sex. I think it's made it easier for Dancer that way, and it's only now that she's started to be self-conscious around me (which is a good thing). But if I accidentally walk in on her showering, she doesn't scream at me and end up traumatized; in fact, she joked with wife about traumatizing ME when it happened. However, that's us, not necessarily anyone else. For many reasons, I won't venture any ideas about the earlier issues with your daughter. I would, though, recommend that you block the porn. Now. Unconditionally. Why? Well, I wouldn't rule out abuse, but I don't necessarily mean direct physical abuse. I know that looking at porn at that young age can be very traumatizing, and in my humble opinion constitutes a form of abuse. To a confused adolescent trying to find their way, porn is NOT a good roadmap. It is damaging, degrading, and confusing. Porn is misogynistic, does NOT depict "healthy" sex, and portrays women unrealistically when it comes to sexual relationships. For that matter, if a young lady has body image problems, most of the "plastic babes in pornland" would only serve to make them feel worse about themselves and how they look. It can also completely skew (in an unhealthy way) how they [I]think[/I] boys/men/males see [I]them[/I], which makes relating to other boys/men more uncomfortable if anything even [I]remotely[/I] physical is intimated. So, regardless of what she says, block the porn. It's a start. Take it from a man who was exposed to hardcore porn at a very young age (11), it can really skew your growth, and make it more difficult to understand healthy physical relationships later. Especially when it comes to acceptable behavior, "performance", and other things that are so totally unrealistic in porn. Believe me, I don't measure up to any of the porn studs I saw when I was too young to understand, and it hurt me for a long time. It also screwed up what I thought women wanted, and how they wanted to be treated. Overall, it was just plain bad for me and my friends to see that stuff so young. I would also think about taking her to a mental health professional, preferably one that deals with adolescent addictive behavior. The way you describe how she goes back to view porn, and then regrets it, and then does it again worries me. It may be the start of addictive behavior. It may also be part of a negative behavior cycle where the porn reinforces whatever it is she may believe or think. Regardless, though, I'd get some help for her to mitigate whatever her porn exposure has done. Another reason to block the porn is that maybe it will help with your daughter's behavior. With my sons, before we knew how nasty the Internet was, I never thought twice about them being online. That is, not until they both started spending a lot of time online, and started showing bad behavior problems. I found that they were cruising for porn. I blocked the porn at home, and forbade their use of the Internet at their friends houses (enforced by speaking with their parents). I don't for a moment think it was a complete removal of porn from their lives, but it really cut back on it, and their behavior improved. Keep in mind that I'm speaking specifically about MY kids, and their reactions. I don't know for certain if doing the same would help your daughter, but it sure couldn't hurt. Finally, and I say this with some trepidation, you need to think about what constitutes abuse. In my very humble opinion, an adult has no business exposing a child to porn, period. I'm no prude, and parents have a right to whatever they think is best for their children (within reason and legal restrictions). But what M's mom did was wrong, and I hope your daughter knows that. There may be some legitimate sites on this topic; However, the concept of "educational" sex-ed sites is ambiguous, and calling porn "educational" is a stretch by anyone's definition - and downright wrong when it comes to children. Porn in the early twenties was even marketed as "public health education" to get around prohibition, if you can believe that. But regardless of whether you or I agree with it, M's parents showing her porn is [I]their[/I] family problem, not yours - unless there's any chance your daughter was exposed to porn at M's house. If so (i.e. she wasn't just told about porn over the phone), then that's another issue entirely. I would at least ask the question.... One other thing you may want to investigate is whether your daughter has been inappropriately contacted online - either at home or at this friend's house. Porn is bad, but at least it's superficial and vicarious - i.e., it involves watching [I]other[/I] people. When chat, social network sites with pictures, and other venues draw children into inappropriate communications, now THEY are involved. At that point, it becomes personal and more intense because it's no longer someone else - someone they don't have any connection to. Now, it's [I]them[/I] and [I]their lives[/I] in the script. Porn is bad, but inappropriate online contact with other kids or predatory adults is far worse. Yet another reason to install porn and other Internet blocks in your house. I would block the porn and filter other Internet activity to the best of your ability so that your home is a "safe place" for your daughter without temptation. I would get her some help to deal with the problems she may be facing from it, and I would make sure she doesn't get exposed to it somewhere else. Sorry for the rant, but this is a very touchy and important subject to me and my family. I hope that it helps in some small way. If not, feel free to blast back :crazy1: Mikey [/QUOTE]
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