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I need advice - Long
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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 143235"><p>I know what M's mom did was wrong. Wynter knows it was wrong. Every kid and every adult that I know that has had anything to do with M's mom knows that she is just wrong period. She would not admit to me what she had done because she knew how I would react. However, she offered it up to a mutual friend without prompting and when I was telling that (now former) friend what happened with my daughter, she told me what M's mom had done. Like I said, M's mom is a whole other story. </p><p></p><p>Has she herself allowed access to porn to my daughter? Oh, hell no. She's not that stupid. </p><p></p><p>I think it's over the top to be associating this with any kind of addictive behavior. First of all, it's happened all of 3 times in the last 2 years. Initially she was curious because of M telling her what she had seen. However, the sites that she looked at - while inappropriate and not for kids - were not graphic in anyway. The pop up that came up that one time, however, was. And this latest incident she wasn't searching for anything along those lines. She was on youtube looking for guitar stuff and this particular video was new and came up with the keyword guitar. She could tell by the picture that it wasn't appropriate and she watched it. Then she said she flagged it. Then a few days later she confesses to me. </p><p></p><p>She has a very strong moral compass. So, I'm really not sure if she's more upset by what she sees or that she's done something that is wrong. There have been other times when she's coming to me very distressed with a need to confess something she's done that ended up being so insignificant as to not even be memorable. And then I have to be very careful to not make too light of it because to her it was a huge deal. </p><p></p><p>I do worry about her body image issues and her impulse control - or lack of it - in this area. It worries me more that she looks at something that makes her feel bad - and then does it again - than her actually looking at it. The only reason I hesitate about blocking anything is because she does come to me and she already beats herself up enough. If I block it, she is going to turn it into 'I'm really a bad person'. I'm not dealing with a kid who is looking at this daily and trying to get around blocks in order to do so. I'm dealing with a kid who is way harder on herself than anyone ever could be and I have to tread carefully in order for her not to feel even worse. </p><p></p><p>For that reason, I'm not going to just go out and block it and let her find out after the fact and then feel embarrassed and horrible. It will be a discussion along the lines of helping her helping herself not do the things that make her feel bad. Not about you shouldn't see this, this is bad. I think she already has that feeling down well, enough.</p><p></p><p>I'm not anywhere near ready to jump on the she's been molested bandwagon. She has such super high anxiety and is so hypersensitive that I don't think it would take all that much to cause this kind of behavior in her. For example, she always had the 'brown' (her words - 'I want the brown one, Mommy') baby dolls. All of her dolls were black, not a single white doll from the age she could speak until she was about 8 when a black neighbor came over to talk to me as we were getting in the car to leave and, surprised, said to Wynter, "What are you doing with a black baby doll?!!" She jumped in the car and wouldn't look at him. She then thought she wasn't supposed to have a black doll and never asked for one again. She also wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't take her black dolls out of the house anymore.</p><p></p><p>My point is, it doesn't take much for her to completely clam up and think that something is wrong even if it isn't.</p><p></p><p>I do think counseling is in order because I do think this is more than I know how to handle.</p><p></p><p>Thanks for the ear.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 143235"] I know what M's mom did was wrong. Wynter knows it was wrong. Every kid and every adult that I know that has had anything to do with M's mom knows that she is just wrong period. She would not admit to me what she had done because she knew how I would react. However, she offered it up to a mutual friend without prompting and when I was telling that (now former) friend what happened with my daughter, she told me what M's mom had done. Like I said, M's mom is a whole other story. Has she herself allowed access to porn to my daughter? Oh, hell no. She's not that stupid. I think it's over the top to be associating this with any kind of addictive behavior. First of all, it's happened all of 3 times in the last 2 years. Initially she was curious because of M telling her what she had seen. However, the sites that she looked at - while inappropriate and not for kids - were not graphic in anyway. The pop up that came up that one time, however, was. And this latest incident she wasn't searching for anything along those lines. She was on youtube looking for guitar stuff and this particular video was new and came up with the keyword guitar. She could tell by the picture that it wasn't appropriate and she watched it. Then she said she flagged it. Then a few days later she confesses to me. She has a very strong moral compass. So, I'm really not sure if she's more upset by what she sees or that she's done something that is wrong. There have been other times when she's coming to me very distressed with a need to confess something she's done that ended up being so insignificant as to not even be memorable. And then I have to be very careful to not make too light of it because to her it was a huge deal. I do worry about her body image issues and her impulse control - or lack of it - in this area. It worries me more that she looks at something that makes her feel bad - and then does it again - than her actually looking at it. The only reason I hesitate about blocking anything is because she does come to me and she already beats herself up enough. If I block it, she is going to turn it into 'I'm really a bad person'. I'm not dealing with a kid who is looking at this daily and trying to get around blocks in order to do so. I'm dealing with a kid who is way harder on herself than anyone ever could be and I have to tread carefully in order for her not to feel even worse. For that reason, I'm not going to just go out and block it and let her find out after the fact and then feel embarrassed and horrible. It will be a discussion along the lines of helping her helping herself not do the things that make her feel bad. Not about you shouldn't see this, this is bad. I think she already has that feeling down well, enough. I'm not anywhere near ready to jump on the she's been molested bandwagon. She has such super high anxiety and is so hypersensitive that I don't think it would take all that much to cause this kind of behavior in her. For example, she always had the 'brown' (her words - 'I want the brown one, Mommy') baby dolls. All of her dolls were black, not a single white doll from the age she could speak until she was about 8 when a black neighbor came over to talk to me as we were getting in the car to leave and, surprised, said to Wynter, "What are you doing with a black baby doll?!!" She jumped in the car and wouldn't look at him. She then thought she wasn't supposed to have a black doll and never asked for one again. She also wouldn't talk about it and wouldn't take her black dolls out of the house anymore. My point is, it doesn't take much for her to completely clam up and think that something is wrong even if it isn't. I do think counseling is in order because I do think this is more than I know how to handle. Thanks for the ear. [/QUOTE]
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