I need advice, please

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rainbird, Jul 30, 2011.

  1. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    As most of you know my daughter is 18, moved in with her Father who quickly paid for her to move in with a friend. I sent her to him to help her, not be her buddy and foot the bill for her own apartment. Here is my new dilemma. I am moving eight hours away to better the life of my son, my fiancé and I. We currently live in a town that is crime ridden, drug infested and not a good place to raise kids. My daughter knew this move was coming down the road at some point before verything blew up and we are now in this horrible place between her and I. I have practiced detachment since January with only brief communication through Facebook. My problem is, how do I tell her we are leaving? I am torn between sending her a "here is our new address" Facebook text to writing her a long gut wrenching letter. She already feels "abandoned" by my taking herto live with her Dad (I know, bs). What do I do?
  2. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((HUGS))) I wouldn't do the whole gut-wrenching letter. I don't know what you're relationship is like, but can you call her? Have a brief discussion. She is 18 after and now on her own, you're move is your own. She has her own life to live now. She's with her dad, you still have a relationship, that won't change just because you moved. Your relationship may be in a horrible place, but it's going to change, now that she is not so close to you, I'll bet it'll change for the better. If anything, she should be glad you're moving out of that neighborhood. Don't feel guilty, call her or facebook, whatever you think is best. It's time to do what's best for you and your fiance and son.
  3. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I agree- avoid the long, difficult letter. If you can't talk to her I would just send a brief message, kind of upbeat- "just wanted you to know we will be at this new address as of whatever date." Very to the point without all the emotion attached. That's the only way I can have any kind of useful communication with-my difficult child- very business-like and to the point. Otherwise it ends up with her guilt tripping me and me getting extremely angry and nothing is accomplished. Don't feel bad, you are doing what's best for you and your family. My difficult child is back in my house right now, but at one point she lived in another state and it was the healthiest I have felt in years. The distance was very good for me- I was able to be away from the daily chaos and stress and see things objectively. Good luck!
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is 18, she has moved in with Daddy who has chosen to set her up in her own apartment. She still isnt having a great relationship with you. I dont think that is going to change even if you live next door to her or 8 hours away. Do what is best for your family. I would send her a rather unemotional text or message telling that the plans you had mentioned several months ago had finally come to fruition and you guys are finally moving. You are sure she will be thrilled to hear of that! If this place is a nice place with some cool features, then mention them...and say she can text you back when she decides she ever wants a relationship with you and you will send her the address. I certainly wouldnt give her that upfront. She might just arrive on your doorstep with boyfriend and a couple of unsavory characters in tow.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I apologize in advance since I don't know your story and I may be way off the mark but I think a little sensitivity is required here. She feels abandoned but she hasn't really contacted you for a long time. So she talks a good game.
    I would call her and tell her that you have thought about it and decided you wanted to live in an area that gives you some better opportunities.(don't say it's for your son- sibling rivalry will rear it's head). Tell her when you will be moving and that you would like for her to visit in the future when she is feeling less gfgish.
    Although 18 is considered an adult in the eyes of the law there are very few 18yr olds who are mature enough and adult enough to respond like someone who is 25. Even easy child's today are not that mature at 18.
    Use your mother vibe to see how best to handle your choice so that A) she doesn't feel like you turned away from her and B) that she feels that someday when she isn't quite so difficult child ish that she would be welcome back into your home.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do. Call her. If you don't have her number, call her dad and ask him to have her call you. Even if it takes her a month (asssuming you have a cell phone) to do so, it s far better for her to hear this from you directly than any other way.

    You want to set an example for her as to how you wish - someday - for her to treat you and others. You would want to hear any big news she has (and this is very big news to her) from her directly. She will remember that you were considerate enough of her feelings to make that call.

    I'm so sorry her dad is being such a putz. He's not doing her any favors.

    Many hugs,
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    That is a good approach. You don't have to turn it into a huge emotional conversation (that may or may not be easy), but you can let her know that you think of her and her feelings ect and she's still important to you. It's a way to leave the door open a crack for your relationship, and gives her a way to contact her when or if she needs to.

  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I agree no gut wrenching letter time. What you want is to keep the door open for the future. She may be rejecting now but that may change in the future when she has done some work on herself and you want the door open so that she feels free to come to you when she is ready. So I would let her now you love her, think about her, and that you are moving to a better area but you hope she will keep in touch, that you would love to see her when she is ready.

    I think the mode of communication depends.... certainly a telephone call is best in theory and if you can do that and think she will take your call and be receptive then I agree that is the best choice. However I know when things have been bad with my difficult child text messages take the sting out, the emotion out for both of us and some of our best communications have been over texts.... so if you feel like the relationship is in a state where a phone call will be too hard for both of you then text her.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto what Fran said, I believe that if she's already feeling abandoned, you need to be sensitive to those feelings without surrendering yourself-you can do that! Shes 18, but shes not an adult yet, so few 18 y/o's are these days. Direct contact, hearing your tone of voice, etc., is the best way in my humble opinion. Best of luck.
  10. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    Thanks you all so much for your help. I can't thank you enough. I wish I could call but I
    Know we will go round and round and it will make matters worse. Plus, I think I will lose it and cry be ause I haven't heard her voice in 8 months. I so wish I could scoop her up and take her with us. Away from this crappy town, boyfriends, and drugs. Leaving her behind is going to be excruciating. I think I am left with sending her a Facebook note. I am so afraid I am going to get back a scathing note that will start the crying cycle all over again. Ugh...
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would send her a short text or Facebook message about the move. You can include why. If you feel she could live with you again you can offer her a place to stay with you if that's what she wants to do (that way she won't feel abandoned). If not, that's all I would do and I'd add "Love you."
  12. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    Well, i sent her the short "we are moving email" she responded with "Hope you have fun." I then responded with what I really wanted to say "That I loved her and wanted the best for her. That I had made the choices I did out of her best interest, what I would be willing to have a relationship if she wanted to, etc" it was met with no response. Flash forward to today. My son went to see his dad this weekend. While he was there my ex had my daughter and her druggie boyfriend babysit my son. I was livid! I called him and let him have it. I told him to man up and stay home the two days a month he sees his son and not leave him with a druggie. Of course he told my daughter this. Her exact words on her Facebbo page are now "I hate you ****ing two faced ***** I ****ing can't believe the ****ing **** in ur ****ing head go **** yourself! Side note: I never said in my message to her that I agree with her lifestyle or boyfriend. She is basically choosing Daddy's money over the Momthat had done everything for her since she was born. I dunno what to do now. Any ideas? Or do I just let it go and walk away. I'm sorry, I needed to vent...I am sad, mad and feeling devastate at the behavior of someone who was once so good to me.
  13. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Detach, detach, detach and stand your ground when you need to. Hugs!
  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hugs Rainbird. That is very very hard. I agree you need to find ways to detach and also not take her vitriol and bad bebehavior personally. I know that may feel impossible but really her words and behavior say a whole lot about her and where she is at and really nothing about you and really very little about your relationship with her. It says something about how she is feeling right now this very minute, but nothing about her true feelings or long term feelings about you.

    So yes let it go. Do not respond. You do not need to get into a discussion of it right now. She is in no place to do that and you do not need to apologize at ALL for anything. You have been a good caring mom to her. Your ex is nuts and does need to rethink what happens when your son goes over there.

    At some point in a couple of weeks I probably would send her a short, sweet, message..... something like "How is it going?".

    I know where you are. I have been there and it is so very painful. My son once put a horrible, vile message on his fb status about me. I hated it because other people, including family members would see it. I ignored it and never said a word about it. I did not react. My relationship with my son right now is better than it has been. I would not call it close as he does not share much personal info with me at this point but he calls us when he needs something and it is ok.... and he gives me a hug goodbye. I hope someday when he gets his life together that we can be closer but I know that is going to take some time..... and he has a lot of personal work to do first. BUT I have gotten to that place where I no longer take his behavor personally and that makes a huge difference. You need to find ways to go on and enjoy life in spite of what is happening with her.

  15. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    Yes, the Facebook message to me was very vile. And some of my family
    And friends read her page (of coirse noone but one of my sisters is coming to my defense about her rude posts about me - in the past)I think the long loving letter got to her and then when she got angry it was just easy to go back to being angry with
    Me instead of having to search inside herself and sort out her feelings. It is very hard to just have to walk away. I want my old daughter back. I never fathomed in a million years that we would be in this place.
  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I know how hard it is to just walk away. It feels so unnatural. This unrecognizable difficult child is the baby you held and cherished. I read something on another site and I refer back to it 20x a day ... “Each day I wake feeling an urgent need to do something, and then I realize there’s nothing I can do. The emptiness just has to be..."

    I am not qualified to offer you any advice-my own relationship with my son is on horribly rocky ground. So take this with a grain of salt...you just have to let it be.
  17. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    I wish I wouldn't have called and yelled at her Dad last night. He had it coming, but of course I lost control and started yelling at him. I just have such rage at what he is doing, to both her and my son. Of course she must have been in the car with
    Him at the time. He told me I was crazy...which she then echoed on her Facebook page. She didn't "hear" my whole side of he conversation. I feel like the loving letter I sent her on Facebook just went right out the window because now she is calling me "two faced". Is this how they act when they just want you to "go away?"
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    Next time, try to remember that you can't argue with irrational - difficult child or her dad. Any logical argument you may have will just be lost on them, so why waste your energy? Trust me, it's not easy, but it helps YOU retain control of yourself and your emotions. Come vent EVERYTHING here or to any friends that may understand. Just don't waste the energy where it won't do any good.