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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 646214" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Sad and scared, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. You are not alone, we understand how you feel and many of us have very similar stories. Read through the PE forum, I believe you will find comfort here.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here.</p><p></p><p>At 20 years old, your daughter is an adult. Not taking medications is oddly a common experience for our adult kids. It is also common among many older folks. I have a sister who is bi-polar and refuses to take medications because as an artist, she says it robs her of her creativity, so she deals with it in her own way. But, she is not depending on others to care for her.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter is living in your home, then you have the right to insist she follow whatever guidelines you set forth. Working, paying for her own cell phone and car insurance and helping around the house, is certainly reasonable and something you should in fact insist upon, in my opinion. You might also make taking her medications and going to counseling a part of that demand. It's your house, not hers, you pay the bills, you have the right to make the rules. She is not 13, she is a grown woman.</p><p></p><p>Even with her suicide thoughts, depression and low self esteem, she knows right from wrong and can do more in life than going to clubs and staying out with friends, <em><u>at your expense.</u></em> It does sound as if your daughter is manipulating you with her depression, that is not uncommon. She has a pretty good life, she does whatever she wants, and you pay for it. As with most of our kids here, they aren't going to change, so WE have to change. We have to learn to set strict enforceable boundaries, we have to stop paying for their lifestyles, we have to learn to say no and mean it, we have to insist they live up to the guidelines we set for them to reside in our homes, OR we have to ask them to leave. Some of our kids get it early on, some are removed from the home and are homeless. All of those choices are up to you.</p><p></p><p>For most of us here, we need quite a bit of support in order to get through this with our adult kids. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a very, very good resource for us parents. They have parent courses which can guide you and give you the support you need. You can also benefit from 12 step groups if that feels appropriate, many of our members have received valuable assistance in learning how to deal with their adult kids in those groups. Private therapy works. I went to 12 step groups, attended an almost 2 year program on Codependency, had weekly therapy sessions and a weekly therapy run support group. My grown daughter exhibits many symptoms of mental illness but refuses to get help. There is nothing I can do about it. I've learned through a lot of pain and with a lot of help, to detach from her choices and behaviors.......and I've learned to live my own life regardless of what she is doing or not doing. Your daughter is younger, however, the path is similar. We can't control what our grown kids do or don't do. At some point, we have to learn how to detach and accept what is. We have to learn to focus on our needs and wants. At some point our parenting has to make a shift, they have to take the reigns and we have to relinquish them. </p><p></p><p>This is a difficult journey for us parents. It is very hard to set those boundaries and enforce them when our kids are depressed. Look down the road a little bit, you could be doing this exact same thing in 10 years. Your daughter will be 31 at that point.</p><p>There is a great likelihood that your daughter is NOT going to change. YOU will need to change. Getting support will help you do that. Most of us need a guide out of this forrest of parental guilt, self blame, sorrow, anger, resentment and disappointment.</p><p></p><p>If I were you I would stick to my February deadline and stop paying for the cell and the insurance. That would be a good first step for you. At that point, you may set a date for her to get a job and take the medications as part of the requirement to live in your home, and if she doesn't, than she will need to live elsewhere. You can call the local shelters in your town and inquire about a bed. I know that sounds awful, but there are quite a number of kids here who've lived in shelters because they refused to take care of themselves. However, sometimes they actually do move on to better housing they provide for themselves once someone else stops footing the bill.</p><p></p><p>Only you can decide what feels right to you. You might start with NAMI and see where that takes you. They also have resources for your daughter. I found them to be very helpful. There are many, many more options then simply putting up with negative behavior. You have to look for them and then you have to accept them and learn to live with them. But, it can be done. It's a process. It takes time. We have to learn a whole new way to parent these kids and learn to let them go. It is NOT easy. But it IS doable. Hang in there, keep posting. I'm glad you're here with us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 646214, member: 13542"] Sad and scared, welcome. I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. You are not alone, we understand how you feel and many of us have very similar stories. Read through the PE forum, I believe you will find comfort here. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. At 20 years old, your daughter is an adult. Not taking medications is oddly a common experience for our adult kids. It is also common among many older folks. I have a sister who is bi-polar and refuses to take medications because as an artist, she says it robs her of her creativity, so she deals with it in her own way. But, she is not depending on others to care for her. If your daughter is living in your home, then you have the right to insist she follow whatever guidelines you set forth. Working, paying for her own cell phone and car insurance and helping around the house, is certainly reasonable and something you should in fact insist upon, in my opinion. You might also make taking her medications and going to counseling a part of that demand. It's your house, not hers, you pay the bills, you have the right to make the rules. She is not 13, she is a grown woman. Even with her suicide thoughts, depression and low self esteem, she knows right from wrong and can do more in life than going to clubs and staying out with friends, [I][U]at your expense.[/U][/I] It does sound as if your daughter is manipulating you with her depression, that is not uncommon. She has a pretty good life, she does whatever she wants, and you pay for it. As with most of our kids here, they aren't going to change, so WE have to change. We have to learn to set strict enforceable boundaries, we have to stop paying for their lifestyles, we have to learn to say no and mean it, we have to insist they live up to the guidelines we set for them to reside in our homes, OR we have to ask them to leave. Some of our kids get it early on, some are removed from the home and are homeless. All of those choices are up to you. For most of us here, we need quite a bit of support in order to get through this with our adult kids. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness is a very, very good resource for us parents. They have parent courses which can guide you and give you the support you need. You can also benefit from 12 step groups if that feels appropriate, many of our members have received valuable assistance in learning how to deal with their adult kids in those groups. Private therapy works. I went to 12 step groups, attended an almost 2 year program on Codependency, had weekly therapy sessions and a weekly therapy run support group. My grown daughter exhibits many symptoms of mental illness but refuses to get help. There is nothing I can do about it. I've learned through a lot of pain and with a lot of help, to detach from her choices and behaviors.......and I've learned to live my own life regardless of what she is doing or not doing. Your daughter is younger, however, the path is similar. We can't control what our grown kids do or don't do. At some point, we have to learn how to detach and accept what is. We have to learn to focus on our needs and wants. At some point our parenting has to make a shift, they have to take the reigns and we have to relinquish them. This is a difficult journey for us parents. It is very hard to set those boundaries and enforce them when our kids are depressed. Look down the road a little bit, you could be doing this exact same thing in 10 years. Your daughter will be 31 at that point. There is a great likelihood that your daughter is NOT going to change. YOU will need to change. Getting support will help you do that. Most of us need a guide out of this forrest of parental guilt, self blame, sorrow, anger, resentment and disappointment. If I were you I would stick to my February deadline and stop paying for the cell and the insurance. That would be a good first step for you. At that point, you may set a date for her to get a job and take the medications as part of the requirement to live in your home, and if she doesn't, than she will need to live elsewhere. You can call the local shelters in your town and inquire about a bed. I know that sounds awful, but there are quite a number of kids here who've lived in shelters because they refused to take care of themselves. However, sometimes they actually do move on to better housing they provide for themselves once someone else stops footing the bill. Only you can decide what feels right to you. You might start with NAMI and see where that takes you. They also have resources for your daughter. I found them to be very helpful. There are many, many more options then simply putting up with negative behavior. You have to look for them and then you have to accept them and learn to live with them. But, it can be done. It's a process. It takes time. We have to learn a whole new way to parent these kids and learn to let them go. It is NOT easy. But it IS doable. Hang in there, keep posting. I'm glad you're here with us. [/QUOTE]
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