i need help please with my son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ive been threw alot, Apr 30, 2017.

  1. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    my son told me when he was 13 that 2 years ago when he was 11 that he told his 2 year old sister to lick his genital region he was sexually abused by older boys when he was 7 and forgot about it and was hanging out with the boy who sexually assaulted him I don't know how to handle this because he very guilty about it and feels like he's a bad person and I don't know how to handle this at all please help.
  2. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    also forgot to mention this but he told me nothing ever happened and I don't want him to feel bad about himself and not sure if this is normal or not
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome, it does sound like you have been through a lot. I think it would be helpful to talk to a therapist about this. Also, I would never leave him alone with your daughter. Wish I could offer more suggestions but sending some gentle hugs your way.
  4. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    It is normal for boys to experiment around. He should not feel bad about it!

    Note that boys who do this regularly grow up to be "straight", get married, and live a normal life. Also they never talk about these things. Certainly never mention this to any other guys.

    This does not mean any of the boys are "gay". Gay means you are attracted to the same sex. If he is attracted to the opposite sex, then he is straight - period! (He should not worry!) Same goes for the other boys.

    With that said, was anyone hurt physically or emotionally by these incidents? How exactly was he abused by the other boys? Was he bothered by it or no big deal? If he was forcefully penetrated (unusual), his rectal area could have been damaged and it could be painful with each bowel movement. If that is the case, he can be taken to a surgeon and have it repaired.

    Sometimes these incidents are psychologically traumatizing for life, other times no big deal. If no physical damage occurred, then just depends on how the kid reacted to it. Maybe a big deal, maybe nothing!
  5. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    he was basically persuaded by them to have sex with them but I'm still not sure if this is a big deal or not because I know my son and he would never do anything to his sister he is going to have a therapist soon. thanks for the help guys keep the replies coming because I need advice
  6. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    I also don't want him to be seen as a sexual predator either
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    The most important thing is that the baby be safe.

    I think that it is good that you have dialog with your son. I think the therapy is essential. I believe, too, that the sexual acting out by same-age kids is common, and it is not too big a thing, if it was consensual. But it is clear that this was not same age and it was not consensual. Your son was too young to consent in any respect.

    I agree with others that he not be left alone with the baby. It would not be fair to him, because he needs to be helped to control his impulses, not overcome with fear that he will lose control.

    Before the therapy starts, I would come up with a plan to ensure the baby is safe, and that son is well-supervised while near the baby. The therapist will most likely ask you about this and it is better to be prepared.

    Your son is a child and a victim, not a predator. If he is helped now, he will likely get over this. His guilt and worry are inconsistent with somebody who acts out, I think.

    Do you know who the kid is who did this to him? I would ask others on this forum what they think about the advisability of making a report. This might protect your son (and you and the family), but it could backfire, too.

    Welcome. I am glad you are here. Keep posting. It helps.
    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  8. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    I do know all 3 of the boys one was 10 one was 13 and one was 14 but I don't know what they went through
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your responsibility is your child, your children. These kids were more than likely abused, too. If everybody keeps this buried, where will it stop? The therapist will likely ask. In my state there is a mandated reporter law.

    But I do not trust my opinion. Others will chime in. I wish this had not happened to you or your child.
  10. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    thank you guys so much for the help on this I don't know when he will start therapy hopefully soon I know he's upset about this and he feels like a terrible person as well and has recently opened up to me a lot more about things that have happened to him and things he did
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    So many of us were sexually abused as children. Also, I would guess that the majority of children have sexual experiences with other children.

    What makes it so wrong in son's case is he was victimized by older kids. So this is not a sexual experience. It is abuse. He needs to understand this. Kids often feel because it felt good, that they are responsible-and they carry guilt and shame that is not theirs to bear. This is not the case. Any pleasure he got was an involuntary physiological response. I do not know how you can explain this to him, but I think you need to try.

    If you are in a big city or near one, there should be art therapy/expressive arts therapy clinics that will work with traumatized kids. He was traumatized. Here is a link: Art Therapy Helps Abused Children | Art Therapy & Child Abuse

    I know you must feel overwhelmed. Anybody would.
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2017
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He is NOT a terrible person. The opening up, talking together is the very best thing.
  13. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    thank you so much copabanana he will get through this I'm just happy nothing happened
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Threw a lot, in my state the 14 year old could be charged with a felony, and if guilty could have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. A third of sex offenders are under 18, and they commit a quarter of the sex crimes. I did not know this. I just researched it. So what happened to your child is both not uncommon and very, very wrong.

    Your son would likely be eligible for "victims of crime" therapy benefits, qualifying him for free psychotherapy from expert, qualified therapists. This is a federal benefit, and can be applied for, usually through the district attorney's office. But the thing is, a police report would be required.
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    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  15. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    thank you the 14 year old is 20 know so should I still file the report
  16. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    another thing is that he's been looking up a lot lately about everything going on and is it normal for him to have forgotten and remembered it
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You have to decide. I would google the law in your state, because it may differ. The age 14 and above is the age at the time the crime occurred.

    I might try to get therapy myself, to talk your decision over. Or talk to a pastor. There may be repercussions, either way. Better you know them going in, rather than later. My way of thinking is this: The pro and the con is the same thing. Your son may feel shame if what is happened is revealed. But the thing is: it would allow him to purge the shame, too. He would know that you believed he was a victim and it was not his fault, and you acted upon this belief. It would be taking a powerful stand for him. But this would not be easy for either one of you.

    Look at the Catholic church sex abuse scandal. Now those kids kept the secret for decades, and to your son's credit and yours, things are in the open between you. But what was so corrosive for those victims was the secrecy. It was worse for them because the perpetrators were trusted authority figures. But still you might learn about the emotional consequences of concealment to these children (now adults) by doing a search, and this way inform and guide your own deciding.

    Nobody can decide this except you. What I am worried about is that the therapist your son sees and the person you might see might be under some pressure to act. I want you to have done so, first. So that you are not under pressure and there is no risk to your family.
    What do you mean here?
    Last edited: May 1, 2017
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I just read an article online out of Australia. Title something like What to do if your child tells you he has been sexually abused. Says 1 in 6 boys are. 1 in 6! Recommends calling police and says that there are specialized plain clothes officers that meet with children. Says that offenders typically have a long list of victims.

    I am not saying one way or another what to do. How can I? I do not know what I would do. The thing is: this will not go away quietly to a corner. It has to be dealt with. You are dealing with it. Step by step.
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2017
  19. ive been threw alot

    ive been threw alot New Member

    thank you so much copa I really helps
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Good morning, threw a lot. Any specific questions you might have, I would start a new thread. I would frame the question(s) very specifically in the title. There are people here with a great deal of experience and wisdom. They cannot rightfully tell you what to do, but they can tell you how they would evaluate the situation, what they see as your options, and how they might respond in your shoes.

    Let me tell you what I think: your response to your son has been picture perfect. On that score, rest assured. The question in my mind that is the most loaded is this: the filing of the police report, to do so or not, and how to broach this with your son. That is what I would ask the community about.

    I would think that your son could start therapy with the victim witness therapy benefits (Victim of Crime Act) immediately after the filing of the police report. Because you are the parent most likely you could participate to an extent. You would have a choice of therapists, with diverse treatment perspectives, all competent. I might google to get general information about the benefits and how they work. I might verify how the benefits work in your county by anonymously calling the district attorney's office and requesting application materials and a list of therapists.

    If you do decide to go ahead with the therapy, think about expressive arts therapy which would involve art, dance or music, etc., and would have a large non-verbal component. I believe It might be as effective as "talk therapy" and easier on your son. You can google "art therapy for sexually abused boys." (Or alternatively, Dance Therapy, Expressive Art Therapy for sexually abused children.) I hope you are in an urban environment, where there should be more resources. But any USA county should have therapists that work through Victim Witness.

    Finally, if finances permit, think about a martial art training for your son. I like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu or Capoiera because that is what I know-through my own son, and I am thinking about the former for myself. They are for self-defense but also have a strong cultural component that seeks to build confidence, teach honor, self-esteem, personal autonomy, self-direction, responsibility and self-control. I think such a focus would help your son to deal with his guilt and his sense that what happened was his fault. It would change his sense of himself into somebody who is strong and active, can control his environment and his responses. They teach a worldview that can be very beneficial to kids and adults too, in handling life and ourselves.

    You could do it too! My son shakes his head when I talk about it, (Mom. You don't understand. It is about submission.) And refers to me as the "elderly lady" who came to visit the gym.

    The "mestres" or teachers typically take a strong interest in the well-being and development of their pupils. In my community it costs about $90 a month to join such a facility. I feel fairly sure they would negotiate the price down, if need be. That is what the mestre did with my son; offered to let him clean the facility occasionally for a reduced fee. And there are sometimes free classes at YMCA's. Personally, I think this kind of experience can be as important as therapy. Of course, this activity would only make sense if your son had interest in it.

    I will keep an eye on this thread and look for others from you. I am glad you have felt a bit of solace and support here.
    Last edited: May 1, 2017