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I need help talking to and setting limits with my son. Ongoing. Thanks.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 663096" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>My opinions changed as I read through the answers to your post, Copa.</p><p></p><p>But I do know your son took extreme advantage when he was in your home recently. So, that colors which is the correct response. Copa, given your son's behaviors and the smell of fragrant herbal greenery coming through the locked bathroom door, I wonder how innocent the formerly meth using grandmother is.</p><p></p><p>I wonder about that. </p><p></p><p>There is something funny going on about son wanting a ride because of the heat and then, switching to what he really wanted was food. Almost as though what he really wants is face to face contact; face to face contact with an adult child with no money <u>always</u> means we are caught at a disadvantage. </p><p></p><p>They get money and we get hurt.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, both things happen. They get money and hurt <em>us.</em></p><p></p><p>Copa, you are excused from any parental responsibility, even the requirement to speak civilly, by your son's recent behaviors toward you in your own home.</p><p></p><p>You are excused, Copa.</p><p></p><p>SWOT is right. With son's recent behaviors in mind, the only possible answer has to be: NO MONEY. NO YOU CANNOT COME HOME. HERE IS ADDRESS OF SHELTER/FOOD SHELF/SOUP KITCHEN. NO I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A RIDE. (If son asks for a bus pass you could do that and mail it to his house. I think son does not want food or a ride. I think he wants money and that the grandma is a dealer.)</p><p></p><p>Write your words down Copa, and keep them near the phone. I had to do that ~ many of the parents here have had to do that. It is impossible to operate coherently from a state of FOG or emotional flashback.</p><p></p><p>And your son does play a hard game of emotional flashback, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that helped me was to post a picture of young soldiers or police officers next to the phone. At 18 or 19 years old, the soldiers are far away from home and in places that are truly dangerous. </p><p></p><p>They are not calling their moms about the heat. </p><p></p><p>I would look right at that picture Copa, when my son called. And I read the words I had written down. And then I came and posted here. And we got me through it.</p><p></p><p>If you don't know the words, here is the most important one: NO</p><p></p><p>I agree with the others, Copa. Keep it very short. Your son is not himself right now. You cannot help him by being his mom from childhood days any more than I can help my son by being his mom from childhood days when the problem in this time is drug use or addiction or mental illness.</p><p></p><p>We cannot help them Copa. We are only their moms.</p><p> </p><p>It helped us to say "NO" when we had discussed what it was we would need to see or hear from our son before we would help. We concluded that if son were doing well he would be working. If he were working, he would not need help from us.</p><p></p><p>NO money, ride, food, cash, sympathy. Tell him to get his behind to that lab and get his blood drawn. Tell him: I love you.</p><p></p><p>We cannot enable, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 663096, member: 17461"] My opinions changed as I read through the answers to your post, Copa. But I do know your son took extreme advantage when he was in your home recently. So, that colors which is the correct response. Copa, given your son's behaviors and the smell of fragrant herbal greenery coming through the locked bathroom door, I wonder how innocent the formerly meth using grandmother is. I wonder about that. There is something funny going on about son wanting a ride because of the heat and then, switching to what he really wanted was food. Almost as though what he really wants is face to face contact; face to face contact with an adult child with no money [U]always[/U] means we are caught at a disadvantage. They get money and we get hurt. Sometimes, both things happen. They get money and hurt [I]us.[/I] Copa, you are excused from any parental responsibility, even the requirement to speak civilly, by your son's recent behaviors toward you in your own home. You are excused, Copa. SWOT is right. With son's recent behaviors in mind, the only possible answer has to be: NO MONEY. NO YOU CANNOT COME HOME. HERE IS ADDRESS OF SHELTER/FOOD SHELF/SOUP KITCHEN. NO I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A RIDE. (If son asks for a bus pass you could do that and mail it to his house. I think son does not want food or a ride. I think he wants money and that the grandma is a dealer.) Write your words down Copa, and keep them near the phone. I had to do that ~ many of the parents here have had to do that. It is impossible to operate coherently from a state of FOG or emotional flashback. And your son does play a hard game of emotional flashback, Copa. Another thing that helped me was to post a picture of young soldiers or police officers next to the phone. At 18 or 19 years old, the soldiers are far away from home and in places that are truly dangerous. They are not calling their moms about the heat. I would look right at that picture Copa, when my son called. And I read the words I had written down. And then I came and posted here. And we got me through it. If you don't know the words, here is the most important one: NO I agree with the others, Copa. Keep it very short. Your son is not himself right now. You cannot help him by being his mom from childhood days any more than I can help my son by being his mom from childhood days when the problem in this time is drug use or addiction or mental illness. We cannot help them Copa. We are only their moms. It helped us to say "NO" when we had discussed what it was we would need to see or hear from our son before we would help. We concluded that if son were doing well he would be working. If he were working, he would not need help from us. NO money, ride, food, cash, sympathy. Tell him to get his behind to that lab and get his blood drawn. Tell him: I love you. We cannot enable, Copa. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I need help talking to and setting limits with my son. Ongoing. Thanks.
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