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I need help with my oldest son who is 24
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 641419" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Sherry,</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard to watch a loved ones life fall apart.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for him or his choices but you are enabling him by allowing him to live with you free and clear. The state in which you describe him, I would not be encouraging him to spend time with his children especially if he is not paying child support. He is a 24 year old man who should be taking care of himself and his children.</p><p></p><p>My one and only child a son will be 34 next month and also has 2 children that he abandoned. I am blessed to have a relationship with my grandchildren but I will never disclose to my son where they live or give him any information about them. You may think that sounds cold but I have to do what is best for the innocent children who did not ask for this. He has not earned the right to be in their lives and it's coming up on 5 years since he abandoned them. My difficult child has put me and my husband through hell several times over. He has an IQ of 140 so intelligence is not the issue applying common sense is. My husband and I bent over backwards to help our son so many, many times. In hindsight I realize all we were doing was enabling him. My son as well as your son will not change their lives unless they really want to. My son for the most part is homeless and I have almost no contact with him. He reached out to me about a week ago sending me a private message on FB, desperate saying he was going to freeze to death. (he lives 1100 miles away from me) There was nothing I could do for him and as it turned out and always does, he found a place to stay for the night as he posted this on his wall. He could go to a shelter but chooses not to because they have rules and curfews which he won't follow. I sent him a message back telling him that I love him and that I'm sorry he's having a tough time. I heard nothing back. Again, for the most part my son is homeless yet he manages to have a Kindle so he can access FB and always manages to find a way to drink or drug. As for threats of suicide, my difficult child has said that many times too and has never been serious, it's simply a manipulative tactic that he will use to get people to feel sorry for him. If you really feel your son's threats could be serious then you need to call 911 and he will be taken to a hospital where he will be evaluated.</p><p></p><p>MWM had some really good points:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? You can find good information and support in dealing with a loved one that is abusing drugs. It is my guess that your son is doing more than pot.</p><p></p><p>Ultimately the choice is yours as to what you will do. I can only speak for myself in that I could not longer allow my adult son to ruin my life along with his. I have accepted the fact that he is the way he is, I don't like it but I do accept it.</p><p> </p><p>I'm not sure who said this but it speaks the truth:</p><p>SOMETIMES WE MUST LET GO OF WHAT'S KILLING US, EVEN IF IT'S KILLING US TO LET GO</p><p></p><p>You are not alone in dealing with this and you will find good advice on these pages.</p><p></p><p>I wish you well. Please let us know how things are going.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 641419, member: 18516"] Hi Sherry, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so hard to watch a loved ones life fall apart. You are not responsible for him or his choices but you are enabling him by allowing him to live with you free and clear. The state in which you describe him, I would not be encouraging him to spend time with his children especially if he is not paying child support. He is a 24 year old man who should be taking care of himself and his children. My one and only child a son will be 34 next month and also has 2 children that he abandoned. I am blessed to have a relationship with my grandchildren but I will never disclose to my son where they live or give him any information about them. You may think that sounds cold but I have to do what is best for the innocent children who did not ask for this. He has not earned the right to be in their lives and it's coming up on 5 years since he abandoned them. My difficult child has put me and my husband through hell several times over. He has an IQ of 140 so intelligence is not the issue applying common sense is. My husband and I bent over backwards to help our son so many, many times. In hindsight I realize all we were doing was enabling him. My son as well as your son will not change their lives unless they really want to. My son for the most part is homeless and I have almost no contact with him. He reached out to me about a week ago sending me a private message on FB, desperate saying he was going to freeze to death. (he lives 1100 miles away from me) There was nothing I could do for him and as it turned out and always does, he found a place to stay for the night as he posted this on his wall. He could go to a shelter but chooses not to because they have rules and curfews which he won't follow. I sent him a message back telling him that I love him and that I'm sorry he's having a tough time. I heard nothing back. Again, for the most part my son is homeless yet he manages to have a Kindle so he can access FB and always manages to find a way to drink or drug. As for threats of suicide, my difficult child has said that many times too and has never been serious, it's simply a manipulative tactic that he will use to get people to feel sorry for him. If you really feel your son's threats could be serious then you need to call 911 and he will be taken to a hospital where he will be evaluated. MWM had some really good points: Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting? You can find good information and support in dealing with a loved one that is abusing drugs. It is my guess that your son is doing more than pot. Ultimately the choice is yours as to what you will do. I can only speak for myself in that I could not longer allow my adult son to ruin my life along with his. I have accepted the fact that he is the way he is, I don't like it but I do accept it. I'm not sure who said this but it speaks the truth: SOMETIMES WE MUST LET GO OF WHAT'S KILLING US, EVEN IF IT'S KILLING US TO LET GO You are not alone in dealing with this and you will find good advice on these pages. I wish you well. Please let us know how things are going. [/QUOTE]
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I need help with my oldest son who is 24
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