I need help

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Nov 28, 2011.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    difficult child 14 is refusing to go to school. Again. I just do not know what to do anymore. I am not sure if it is the depression or her just working me. She needs to go to school, and I do not know what to do to get her motivated to go. She was wide awake and smiling this morning, until it was time to get ready, and then she was just way too tired to get up. I really think the apprehension of the upcoming day is too much for her and she shuts down. But, she has to go to school. I have tried yelling screaming bribing taking beloved items nothing is working. We do not return to the psychiatrist until the 6th. She is literally flunking out of school right now. I do not know where to turn. We spoke to the school, and they didn't really help. Her psychiatrist didn't say much, and I am still trying to get her into a therapist.

    Do any of you have some ideas on how to get her to school and on time? Am am at my wits end. Literally. I am starting to wonder if a partial hospital. might be best. Or a full one. I just do not know where to go from here.
  2. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    I'm sorry you have this constant stress. Does she say specifically why she doesn't want to attend? Is she being hassled? Or does she just want to sleep in and watch TV?

    To get het to go you can do what has kept my kids from skipping school: I promised them if they skipped school, I would personally walk them to and from their classes for a week wearing my robe and slippers. Since, I'm not one to threaten but to warn, they know I am serious. I have no problem not bathing during that week either.:) A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Have you discussed this with the school? I had tons of school anxiety as a child (and anxiety in general) and it greatly influenced by ability to listen, do my work, and learn. All I could think about was my fear. Have you thought of home based schooling? Is she getting bullied at school? Does she have an IEP that could accomodate her school fear, like maybe allowing her to be late or do her work in a quiet room or take breaks when she needs to?

    I think it would be a good idea to take your child to a neuropsychologist for an evaluation. Without any diagnosis, the school is unlikely to be very helpful. Is there a reason she has never been evaluated? PS...I would NOT use the school to evaluate!
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Can the choice be school or day treatment. If she is unable to complete normal daily routines, then logically she needs more support. (my son would probably like that so it might not work on him, sigh....but for most kids they probably dont want to have to do that. dont do it if it is a bluff, she probably really does need intensive treatment since this has become so serious and medications are not doing it for her yet....they will do school there too)

    just re-read my post, I want to clarify i dont mean to threaten this, though you know how to put it with your child.... I was just thinking of telling her honestly that this is beyond your ability to help alone and as her mom, your job is to find a way to help.
    You are at your limit. So, maybe tell her you are going to have to find more support starting X? this week ? however long it takes to arrange it. I didn't mean it as a cold thing, really sincerely was offering an option.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Has this always been a problem, or is it recent? If it is recent I wonder if something happened at school. If it is a problem that comes and goes, then I would call the psychiatrist (the 6th is a ways away) and let them know the problem you are having. She may need a partial or full hospitalization, or a medication tweak. I hope you are able to get her in with a good therapist, that might help too.
  6. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    The psychiatrist said that we need to carry my son to the car and get 3 teachers to help carry him out the car to school! But I am sorry I will not do this!
    If my son stays at home he needs to go to dr....previous time we sat there for almost 2 hours.....he hated this! Also no playstation when staying home and no friends!
    What helped the other day was a transition toy! I told him he could take his finger skateboard to school to play with and show his friends....it worked!
  7. whatamess

    whatamess New Member

    I'm guessing your child doesn't have an IEP or 504 at school? If not, I would request an evaluation for special education. If your child's disability (be it depression or anxiety or ???) impacts her ability to learn, then generally speaking, she would qualify. When the IEP is created, accomodations are made so that school is not so daunting and academic support can be given. You would need to request the evaluation in writing to your school district's special education director or the equivalent. They have 60 days to complete the evaluation and determine if your child qualifies for special education services.
  8. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    She has always been difficult to get up in the morning, but she always managed to catch the bus to school. It has been just since the start of H.S. that the refusal to go has started. And, while I would love to be able to physically make her go, she is far too big for me to even get into the car. At 14 she is 105 pounds. That is alot of dead weight to move around.
    She is at school now. I got her there around 9:30 about 2 hours late. And, I just wanted to smack her little pleasant self as she went. She was trying to be all sweet. I have a very bad feeling that I may be being manipulated.
    Just got off the phone with the therapist center. Because we live in the adjacent county (we are 1 mile from the border) we do not qualify for sliding scale. And, since we have to use our insurance, fewer tdocs to choose from. I hate insurance and all of the stupid rules. This is where her psychiatrist want s her to go, and where the other therapist recommended. So, we have to wait until the 12th for an appointment. 2 weeks away. I will again be counting down days until we can get some help. That seems to be my life anymore. Counting down the days.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Probably not the option you want to hear....but you could always call the police. This worked wonders for my brother in law when his 14 year old started refusing school. Like you, he started with begging, pleading, bribing, threatening, called the school - to no avail.

    Finally, one morning as she refused to get out of bed, he very calmly called police and explained the situation. In short order, two big burly cops showed up at the front door, ordered her out of bed, put her into the back of the squad car, drove her to the front door of the school and walked her arm-in-arm right into the building. Needless to say...she has not missed a day since!

    Now - if your daughter is suffering from extreme anxiety...that may not be the best option.

    But if you think she is playing you?

    You may want to give it a try...
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you know for certain that she is playing you and there is nothing else going on, then consider this option.

    If anxiety is even ONE of the factors, and you know the anxiety is legit.... this will backfire.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Agreed! Definitely.
  12. I also agree. School refusal was the tip of the iceberg with Moose. He had so much anxiety that school was a "torture chamber" for him, according to his therapist. I kept at it though, turning our home into a warcamp. Every morning was a trial. The school offered the truancy officer, but I had a feeling this was much more than simple school refusal. At 6' 4", no one pushes Moose around easily.

    He ended up leaving school behind and getting his GED just a few days after his 17th birthday. He is now taking classes at the community college and is doing better, although it hasn't been a completely smooth ride. School was just part of the problem--the most obvious symptom. I think involving the police would have humiliated Moose, and cemented, in his mind, the idea that I didn't care about what he was going through. Who knows what would have happened next?

    Moose also started showing symptoms in ninth grade, although looking back, I can see things developing before that point. Now we focus on classes, his therapy. At least now I can say we have a relationship and not chaos. Squirrel (easy child) was suffering too (as was I).
  13. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Yeah. I am not sure if she is anxious or lazy or overwhelmed or what. I finally got a therapist appointment. for her in 2 weeks. I wish it were sooner but... I am determined to battle through this. I owe her that much. I promised her that if she would work at getting better, I would do everything in my power to help with all of it. I would move heaven and earth for her, but man she can drive me batty.
    I thought about calling the police, but I am not sure that would work. I think that might backfire, and she would just refuse to go to school. Sometimes I wish there was a magic pill or button to push to make everything better.