I need help !!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    This really doesnt pertain to my Difficult Child directly but I thought maybe someone can help me with a huge problem I have!! 13 years ago my husband left me for the girl at work, who had posed as my friend for years. I just cant get past her being involved in my kids lives. My ex and his now wife and my son are in vegas right now and it just eats at me!! They are both retired now and can travel and do things while I have to work for four more years just to survive retirement! I am really furious that she is enjoying what should have been my life after 20 years of marriage to my kids dad!! She always tries to out do me in everything, she enjoys the fact that she has him and the lifestyle that once belonged to me!!!!
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Soootired, I am sorry for your pain.

    If she does revel in her victory over you and still tries to compete with you, what can you do?

    I understand how it is to have to work for your living and how it is to just get by.

    That said, It really is a question of your values and where you find your worth.

    This is a woman who stole another woman's husband, while pretending to be her friend. While your husband is equally responsible, and it calls into question the strength of your marriage, she played a part in destroying a marriage and a family.

    You have to decide: Is this a person who I will let determine my worth as a person, and the value of my life?

    Who really can decide what I feel about myself and how I measure up as a person?

    I believe it is only you, SoooTired.

    There are a few threads with quotes from Viktor Frankl. He wrote Man's Search for Meaning.

    Many people, him included, have written about being inner directed, and determining your own sense of self-worth.

    Such a way of living does not require money, a man or much of anything. It is available to us right this minute, if we choose it.

    Indeed, men and money and leisure can be just as problematic as the opposite.

    Take care.
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2015
  3. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Your ex-husband left you for a "girl at work" who had posed as your friend for years?

    Who would want a 'man' like that? Who would want to be a 'girl' like that?

    You're focussing on material stuff, when actually you are so lucky to be shot of this person and have the freedom to live your own life. Imagine if you were still married to this sleaze, stuck with him day in, day out.

    Think about this Sootired. Is she really the winner in this? I think you have to change your perception of this situation.

    I have genuine pity for my ex-husband's 2nd wife. Poor cow.
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    soooo tired, I understand the very human feelings you are having about this. I had some of the same issues when my ex-husband and I first separated.

    Over time, those feelings changed as I built my own life.

    I can't imagine, though, how betrayed you must feel---by a husband and a so-called friend---at the SAME TIME!

    Your only course of action is to change yourself. Your feelings may not change at first---just like our feelings about our DCs---but your thinking and your behavior---now those you CAN change.

    It takes work, and it takes focusing on other, healthy things and new ways of thinking and behaving in order to build a new, better life.

    In addition to those already recommended, like Frankl, I recommend you read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Also Brene Brown's work----all of it----is amazing. There are YouTube videos of her plus books plus even online classes you can take. Pema Chodron's work is another. All of these people focus on changing our own thinking...which leads to changed behavior...which in time leads to changed feelings.

    Most of us get stuck in our feelings, and we believe those are the TRUTH, and we can't get unstuck. Feelings aren't facts. They are real and true but in many cases, I have so learned the hard way, we should not act on our feelings. We should make time to feel them and feel them honestly...and then wait a few days until we are stronger...and then take other, more appropriate action in most cases.

    Hang in there. You've been done wrong. That is true. But now, how can you make your life right? That is the question.

    We're here for you.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I do understand how deep of a hurt that must be. Betrayal is a hard thing to work through.

    Their relationship is based on betrayal as they are both cheaters. While it may appear that she is enjoying what "should" have been your life, don't be so sure. He cheated on you and who's to say he isn't cheating on her.
    The fact that she tries to out do you in everything tells me she is very insecure and is jealous of you.
    You know the old saying "Jealousy is the highest form of flattery"

    I truly encourage you to let go of your anger as it only hurts you. Do not give them power over your emotions. They can no longer hurt you unless you allow them to.

    You have the opportunity to write your own new story. Do things that will bring you joy and fulfill your life.

    Leave the betrayers to each other.

    ((HUGS)) to you......

  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I would be outraged, too. Who cares if it's been thirteen years. This stuff is like having your nose rubbed in it all over again. Knowing that worm of a husband was vacationing in Vegas at all, let alone that deceitful biatch and my child.


    I am so sorry this really crummy thing is happening to you.

    I don't have one bit of advice because I would be deep sixing it, too. But I do know this: Never, ever, let them see you sweat.

    This helps me gut my way through impossible things:

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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    sooooo tired,
    How awful for you! Life can certainly be cruel at times. UGH. I sometimes wonder just what in the world makes some people tick, how they can betray others and continue to look in the mirror?

    Just downright hurtful.

    I do not blame you one bit for feeling as you do.
    Lord knows, as mothers of adult difficult children, we have enough on our plates.

    The end all of it, as many others have stated, is how do you rise above?

    Please find time to treat yourself to special moments, to strengthen yourself, to build yourself up.

    What makes you feel good? A walk on the beach, a hike, an old movie, a favorite scent, a beautiful sunset?

    Hoping for you for better days ahead. Can't change what has happened, so best to find ways to fulfill yourself!

    :staystrong: Take care! You are not alone!