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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 98542" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>IGC, </p><p></p><p>I think you've been given a lot of good advice - what I think you need to pull it all together is a plan. I'm not trying to step on toes and would never tell you how to parent, but...you need a plan and then you need to stick to the plan however difficult it is on everyone. </p><p></p><p>In trying to explain this I'm going to use a road map analogy. When engineers build a highway (your sons brain) they map out location, elevation, conditions etc. This is much like your sons brain being developed. And in the development stages of a highway maps are drawn so that everyone else can see where the road is, and how the exits are laid out. When a child is developing physically they are also developing a 'map' of their brain. </p><p></p><p>In difficult child children somewhere, for some reason the engineers plan doesn't jive with the cartographers plan. Thus creating a virtual nightmare for driver. Imagine if the road map that you were given did NOT match the highways you were driving down. THAT is a difficult child brain. Their map doesn't match their engineering. If you think road rage is ugly just look at your difficult child - raging? Yes? Bad map. </p><p></p><p>So can the map be changed? Yes. Does it happen quickly? No. How long does it take the DOT to rebuild a road? First there would have to be planning meetings - everyone would have to be on the same page about what is the best solution to make the road match the map. So architects are hired (like psychologists and counselors) to take a look over the situation (your child) and determine a long term plan to repair the problem that is causing all the drivers to rage (your child not understanding why the square peg does not fit in the triangle hole). </p><p></p><p>After much debate, planning and drawing a plan is created (or a TSP total service plan) for your child. This will have the how to's of the proposed road repair (or trying to remap your childs brain). Trying to repair a road to match a map or repair a map to match a road? Either are NO easy task, they don't happen overnight, there will be changes midstream to accommodate glitches and such, but for the most part when you build a road, or a house or a building you stick to the plan. Why would we think that re-mapping a child's brain would be any different? </p><p></p><p>Think about this for a minute - if you went to work 8-5 M-F and no one EVER showed you the written rules, the handbook of the job required, the consequences for not showing up on time or leaving early it would be what? Chaos? Or better yet in comparison to raising childre - what if the rules changed to fit the mood of the day? HOW are the kids supposed to know what they can expect if you don't stick to the rules? We get so tired and exhausted trying to make our kids behave on a larger scale that we forget to start small. If you want the road redone you don't just go out in the middle of the highway and start digging a hole - you plan, execute, and finish. So why is it any different in our homes? It should not be. Write out a set of rules, rewards and consequences and stick them up where everyone can see and understand if A happens B will ensue. If A never happens today then the reward will be C. And then stick to it. </p><p></p><p>My biggest mistake as a single parent was trying to be both Mom and Dad. Then trying to fix a child who's brain wasn't bad, it just worked differently. I didn't understand that. I figured if there were a pill or 18 months in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it would ALL BE DONE. It may have only taken 18 months for your child to develop a brain that was mapped different - due to his environment, genetic make up, trauma (who knows) trying to figure that out will make you nuts but it will take the better part of the next 12-15 years with constant and consistent rules, discipline and parenting to change it even the tiniest bit. </p><p></p><p>This is why I always encourage you to go to therapy/counseling and we were in counseling ourselves - 11 years of it. I went & took DF so that we could LEARN how to deal with this child, so we could LEARN how to level the playing field and have our son be successful someday. So that I could have a marriage someday. I took parenting classes and talked with a live person who had years of experience dealing with severely autistic kids, people in the prison systems - I searched for the psychiatric. that I knew would listen to OUR story and not namby-pamby the answers - I wanted someone who HAD answers for dealing with a child like mine. Not someone who had NO CLUE. </p><p></p><p>Spanking = Nope. It just tells the little person that the big person can beat them up or that hitting is appropriate. As far as the occasional swat to get someones attention? You betcha. Never more than 3. </p><p></p><p>And as far as DF not understanding - well my thought is/was this. I didn't understand my kid either - who did? The psychologist. So I took DF and let the psychiatric explain my child to DF. Then he got interested in going so that we could literally out wit this kid. The last 3 years of "parental planning" worked better and changed our sons life more than all of it - but it would not have worked if our "planning" hadn't been in place to change the map in this kids head. It took a long time - and my goals changed for my son but I survived and now difficult child is 17 and on his own. </p><p></p><p>As far as bargaining with your son? KNOCK IT OFF or you'll be sorry. Rules, consequences and rewards SHORT TERM. And the next time he is obscene DO NOT ASK if he thinks he should apologize - YOU ARE THE MOM - TELL HIM WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO. And stop saying THANK YOU after he does something you want too. He just needs to BE TOLD, DO it - and his reward isn't thank you - it's a nod or a smile later. </p><p></p><p>These are things I learned the hard way - I hope you find something in here to help your situation, but I can not stress enough the importance of a good therapist for all of you. After a while I 'lived' to go once a week and have a "blow out' about my son, life etc. It was enlightening and I learned better coping skills for life. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 98542, member: 4964"] IGC, I think you've been given a lot of good advice - what I think you need to pull it all together is a plan. I'm not trying to step on toes and would never tell you how to parent, but...you need a plan and then you need to stick to the plan however difficult it is on everyone. In trying to explain this I'm going to use a road map analogy. When engineers build a highway (your sons brain) they map out location, elevation, conditions etc. This is much like your sons brain being developed. And in the development stages of a highway maps are drawn so that everyone else can see where the road is, and how the exits are laid out. When a child is developing physically they are also developing a 'map' of their brain. In difficult child children somewhere, for some reason the engineers plan doesn't jive with the cartographers plan. Thus creating a virtual nightmare for driver. Imagine if the road map that you were given did NOT match the highways you were driving down. THAT is a difficult child brain. Their map doesn't match their engineering. If you think road rage is ugly just look at your difficult child - raging? Yes? Bad map. So can the map be changed? Yes. Does it happen quickly? No. How long does it take the DOT to rebuild a road? First there would have to be planning meetings - everyone would have to be on the same page about what is the best solution to make the road match the map. So architects are hired (like psychologists and counselors) to take a look over the situation (your child) and determine a long term plan to repair the problem that is causing all the drivers to rage (your child not understanding why the square peg does not fit in the triangle hole). After much debate, planning and drawing a plan is created (or a TSP total service plan) for your child. This will have the how to's of the proposed road repair (or trying to remap your childs brain). Trying to repair a road to match a map or repair a map to match a road? Either are NO easy task, they don't happen overnight, there will be changes midstream to accommodate glitches and such, but for the most part when you build a road, or a house or a building you stick to the plan. Why would we think that re-mapping a child's brain would be any different? Think about this for a minute - if you went to work 8-5 M-F and no one EVER showed you the written rules, the handbook of the job required, the consequences for not showing up on time or leaving early it would be what? Chaos? Or better yet in comparison to raising childre - what if the rules changed to fit the mood of the day? HOW are the kids supposed to know what they can expect if you don't stick to the rules? We get so tired and exhausted trying to make our kids behave on a larger scale that we forget to start small. If you want the road redone you don't just go out in the middle of the highway and start digging a hole - you plan, execute, and finish. So why is it any different in our homes? It should not be. Write out a set of rules, rewards and consequences and stick them up where everyone can see and understand if A happens B will ensue. If A never happens today then the reward will be C. And then stick to it. My biggest mistake as a single parent was trying to be both Mom and Dad. Then trying to fix a child who's brain wasn't bad, it just worked differently. I didn't understand that. I figured if there were a pill or 18 months in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it would ALL BE DONE. It may have only taken 18 months for your child to develop a brain that was mapped different - due to his environment, genetic make up, trauma (who knows) trying to figure that out will make you nuts but it will take the better part of the next 12-15 years with constant and consistent rules, discipline and parenting to change it even the tiniest bit. This is why I always encourage you to go to therapy/counseling and we were in counseling ourselves - 11 years of it. I went & took DF so that we could LEARN how to deal with this child, so we could LEARN how to level the playing field and have our son be successful someday. So that I could have a marriage someday. I took parenting classes and talked with a live person who had years of experience dealing with severely autistic kids, people in the prison systems - I searched for the psychiatric. that I knew would listen to OUR story and not namby-pamby the answers - I wanted someone who HAD answers for dealing with a child like mine. Not someone who had NO CLUE. Spanking = Nope. It just tells the little person that the big person can beat them up or that hitting is appropriate. As far as the occasional swat to get someones attention? You betcha. Never more than 3. And as far as DF not understanding - well my thought is/was this. I didn't understand my kid either - who did? The psychologist. So I took DF and let the psychiatric explain my child to DF. Then he got interested in going so that we could literally out wit this kid. The last 3 years of "parental planning" worked better and changed our sons life more than all of it - but it would not have worked if our "planning" hadn't been in place to change the map in this kids head. It took a long time - and my goals changed for my son but I survived and now difficult child is 17 and on his own. As far as bargaining with your son? KNOCK IT OFF or you'll be sorry. Rules, consequences and rewards SHORT TERM. And the next time he is obscene DO NOT ASK if he thinks he should apologize - YOU ARE THE MOM - TELL HIM WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO. And stop saying THANK YOU after he does something you want too. He just needs to BE TOLD, DO it - and his reward isn't thank you - it's a nod or a smile later. These are things I learned the hard way - I hope you find something in here to help your situation, but I can not stress enough the importance of a good therapist for all of you. After a while I 'lived' to go once a week and have a "blow out' about my son, life etc. It was enlightening and I learned better coping skills for life. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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