I need some encouragement please

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Rosie67, Nov 13, 2015.

  1. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    My 24 year old daughter has recently admitted to using Ice. She has been asked by her bosses to have time off work, I assuming because of her erratic behaviour. We helped her buy a car with the loan being in our name. She constantly misses car repayments and her new boyfriend has had an accident in her car with significant damage. My daughter claims that this is all going to be fixed by the boyfriend. Two days ago I received a credit card statement for a card I don't use which showed that $1500 had been placed on the card. I felt in shock when I realised that it must have been our daughter. I confronted her and she admitted to everything. I have told her that she has to pay the money back (which is impossible for her) and to stay well,away from me. I feel so annoyed at myself because I know I have enabled her behaviour by constantly paying off her debts, rent, giving her money for petrol etc, often hiding what I was doing from my family. I feel relieved that I have decided that enough is enough and No more of this pathetic parenting. My question is what should we do about the car if she doesn't pay the repayments etc...the loan and insurance is in our name? Plus the car is damaged so will be impossible to sell. The car cost $10 000 and was only purchased this year.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Rosie,
    I will be brief because I have somewhere to go, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Meth is a terrible thing, I have first hand experience with it with my oldest.
    Dear, please get some legal advice about the car. It is a big debt, in the hands of your daughter, who is driven by this insidious drug, and the needs of it.
    I have concerns for you, and hope that you are able to find a remedy quick. Especially with the insurance in your name. I would not count on the boyfriend fixing the car. I fear you may have to have her release the car to you, to protect yourself.
    I am sorry for your troubles. I have gone down a similar road.

    If you haven't researched yet, please look into http://www.methproject.org/ to understand the seriousness and dangers of this drug.

    I am sorry I do not have more comfort for you.

    You are strong and right in your convictions to keep away from your d c. She is not herself, on ice.

    I am so sorry for your troubles. You are not alone. Please keep posting, this site is very helpful, with wonderful, kind people who have been in similar situations.
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2015
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello Rosie and welcome. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I am glad that you have found us. It sounds like it is time for you to detach and let your daughter start facing the consequences of her choices. Enabling behavior is hard to change on your own, though. It took me two years of private therapy to stop enabling my daughter. My husband also participated in the therapy.

    The car is the hardest part. I would get it fixed and sell it even if you have to take a loss. Your daughter has fallen down on her end of the bargain by missing the car payments and letting someone else drive the car. So you no longer have any obligation to supply her with a car. You are also facing a huge liability since it is in your name if she hurts someone while driving under the influence. Since it is in your name, you do not need her permission to sell it.

    It won't be easy and she will throw a fit. I know . . . I have been there. After driving 5 cars that we supplied her into the ground, we stopped supplying a car for our daughter. She now rides a bus to get to work and back.

    Keep posting. You will find an incredible amount of understanding and support here.

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dear Rosie, what a shock huh? Don't beat yourself up, when we know better we do better. It took most of us a while to stop the enabling. I agree with Kathy that insult have the car fixed and sell it. Does she live with you? She needs to go to rehab, that would be my line in the sand.

    I am very sorry, we have all been through it and we care.
  5. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    I have been seeing a counselor to help me learn to detach and stop enabling. I definitely haven't got to that point yet but I am slowly getting better. The first thing my counselor told me on my first visit was to get my car that my son was driving out of my name and off my insurance. He told me to either take the car or make my son put it in his name. The car was paid for is the only difference in us. I told my son that we put the car in his name or I was taking it and he wouldn't have a car. Of course, he begged that he couldn't afford insurance and pleaded and I didn't follow through. He had a very bad wreck and totaled the car, thankfully he wasn't hurt and no other vehicles were involved . He received a DUI and spent one night in jail. Things could have been much worse. He doesn't have any money so who do u think they would come after? I work with a lady who almost lost her home over a very similar situation. I was very angry at myself for not following through and taking the car. My son could have been killed. My advice is to take the car, it could keep your daughter safe. I'm so sorry you're going through this terrible situation. This site is wonderful, keep posting
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,

    Was the $1500 unauthorized credit card usage related to your daughter partially fixing the car? If the car is more severely damaged, could you get that vehicle fixed through the insurance - you would have to pay the deductible, but then you could sell it, as Kathy wisely suggested.

    If you look at my profile below you will see that my son used meth - It's a horror. Please know we are here for you.
  7. Gabby1432

    Gabby1432 New Member

    Dear Rosie,

    I truly and I am sure many others here feel your pain. I am coming to the point where you are. We can love our children without enabling them. That is a lesson I am learning. As far as the car, if it is in your name then i am pretty sure you can have it repossesed by a local towing company. Not for sure on this but you should check with your local sheriff and or towing company and see what options you have. I truly hope that all turns well for you.
  8. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    I can not thank you enough to hear your words of encouragement. I am finding it hard to detach and to stop worrying about her. She is returning to work tomorrow. She is really excited about this and tells me that she looks forward to returning to normality. I am sure that she is not using ICE. Her behaviour is completely different, she is sleeping, eating, she is not erratic etc. My dilemma is that all week she was to go to the Doctors to get a certificate to go back to work and she hasn't. I now know that this is because she couldn't afford the $60. I don't know if I should pay for this or not? What advice can any of you suggest?
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Dearest Rosie,
    I am hoping with all my heart that what you feel is true.
    I know if you looked up the website, the images can be scary.
    Sometimes the changes can be quite subtle, and happen over a long time.
    I would ask that you read this with an open mind, please do not take my reply as an attempt to be harsh.
    I do care, and hope you reread
    some of your own words written below.
    Please ask your daughter, why she would admit to such a thing. My daughter has never, I mean never admitted to using ice.
    This is not right Rosie, this is theft.
    What did she buy with all of that money?
    Where are the purchases?
    Please remember what she admitted to. This may be an opening for her to get help,
    not from you, from a rehab, if that is necessary. The longer addiction is active, the harder it is to quit.
    All of this was written yesterday, Rosie, what changed since then?

    How are you sure of this? Again, why would a 24 year old admit to using ice to her mother?
    My daughter is able to behave somewhat normally, when there is a need to.

    There were always reasons with my daughter, why she couldn't go to the doctor.

    Our daughters are not the same people, I am not trying to say that they are. What I am trying to share with you, is that the patterns are similar. Your response patterns are similar to mine. I would get fed up with the lying, things missing, confront my daughter, and she would change just enough to be in our good graces. Then everything would start all over again. It was a horrific roller coaster ride.

    Rosie, you must do what you must do. You are the one who has to face yourself in the mirror. I know you want desperately to help your daughter.
    I have done the same.

    She is 24, still young, but still an adult. I hope with my deepest hope that she will turn her life around.

    I would be remiss in being truthful, if I did not share my gut feelings with you. You are asking for encouragement. I am sorry that I cannot just give you pretty words, only more questions.

    Please take my reaching out to you as a way for you to think very long and very hard on this.
    I yo-yoed up and down for many years with my daughter.
    She was clever enough to pull herself together, when it seemed like we were going to get tough with her.

    This is how addiction works. It works on them, and it works on us.

    It is easy for them to fool us, because we so want to believe.

    If your daughter has just started with ice it is much easier for her to kick it, then if she becomes entrenched, as my daughter is.

    Your quick action, may make a huge difference for her life.

    Please do not be offended by this reply.
    You must do what you must do. It is your path, and your daughters path.
    I am encouraging you to rethink all of this.
    To see it with your head, and not your heart.
    It is very, very hard. But very, very important.

    Wish you all the best, for you and your daughter
  10. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Omg New Leaf, I can't thank you enough for your honesty. I have been lying to myself. I am still wanting to believe everything she has said to me. Every single thing you wrote to he is true. She has been using for the last 3 months and the only reason she admitted it was because she was so distressed and scared from psychotic thoughts. She asked for help. She has since texted me today to say that she doesn't feel she can go to work for a few more days and that she would like to leave our home town because she wants to start again. I feel I am carrying such a burden on my own. Her grandparents adore get and keep asking how she is as they haven't seen her for sometime which is unusual and I make vague excuses. My husband doesn't know the extent of what is happening although he know about the drug use and that she is suppose to be returning to work tomorrow. I don't really want to tell my friends because I truly don't want to put more energy into worrying about her. I am sorry my post is so bloody pathetic.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Rosie please do not apologize. It is hard enough for you already, feeling as you do. The best thing, is that she has admitted using, and is scared. You can take that as an open door for her to get help. There are many rehabs out there. Act quickly and work with her fear, to urge her to go for immediate treatment.
    If she uses again, and the possibility is great,that fear will dissipate, and this window of opportunity will close.

    Are you able to engage your husband to help? It is important for you to have help with this. If not, and if so, have you seen a counselor to help guide you?

    Many years ago, my niece called me, desperate, because she was hooked on ice and learned she was pregnant. I researched and found a treatment program for her. Luckily, she was successful, and her baby was blessedly, okay.
    That was 22 years ago, my niece is doing well, and now a grandmother. There is hope Rosie, but you must act quickly.

    Use this time to search for rehabs and get her into one. ASAP. She is reaching out, and most likely wants to leave town to get away from her friends that are using. This is a very hopeful sign, and I cannot stress enough, that you need to act quickly.

    You must also prepare yourself in case she changes her mind.

    This is why counseling for you is so very important, a professional can help you deal with the issues attached to this, as well as provide a wealth of resources.

    My heart goes out to you Rosie. Please, please act quickly.

    I kept my daughters problems from my Mom, I did not want to stress her, she is ill. She knew something was wrong. I finally told her, and she is very understanding, and thanked me for letting her know.

    I felt ashamed, for my d c's and myself. The shame keeps us from telling others, but also hides the addict and cloaks them. It becomes a vicious cycle. Perhaps a united family effort, is what your daughter needs to kick this. Rather than shame, a circle of family support.

    Your post is not pathetic Rosie. You are desperate for your daughters well being. There is a chance you may be able to help her. There is also a chance you may not.

    I urge you to get help for yourself too. She is an adult, and will make her own choices.
    Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. You never have to feel shame here, dear. Most of us have been there done that. Now is the time for action and solutions.
    You were very brave to write this Rosie, and your daughter has opened up to you. This is a very very good thing. Act quickly.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Fervent prayers for you and ohana.
  12. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Your understanding and kindness made me cry. I will update on here as things happen.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Wipe those tears away dear, get tough and figure out a plan.
    Please keep posting.
    Others will come along and offer support, advice and comfort.

    You will get through this.
  14. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

  15. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    How can things get even further out of control? The police have just called to say they have our daughter. Her boyfriend has smashed up her car with a brick and the police are charging him with Domestic Violence etc. daughter is hysterical, my husband has gone to collect her from the police station.The police told me that The boyfriend is very well known to them for violence and ICE use. Any words of wisdom of how I should manage this situations?
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    It is the nature of the beast- the high drama.
    I guess this is your cue to let your husband know the extent of it.
    Is your daughter hurt?
    If you have to take her to emergency, this may be the time to help get her admitted to rehab.

    Honesty is the best policy Rosie. You have mentioned that your husband knows of her drug use.
    Help him to see the urgency, and I am sure he will want to help your girl get to rehab.

    I agree with previous posts that this should be the line drawn in the sand.

    Daughter needs to get a restraining order against this man. Does she live at home, or have her own apartment?

    At this point, rehab would help to protect her from him as well.

    She is 24, so it is up to her, what her choice will be. Hopefully she will choose rehab.

    Saying prayers for you all.

    ps- this doesn't really surprise me one bit. going through years of this stuff, kind of does that.
    you do not want to be in those shoes, my friend.
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you Rosie, I hope all is well.
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have found, from sad experience, that our troubled adult children deliberately choose to hang around with other troubled adult children. Idon't know if you can make her stop seeing boyfriend, although he is a loser. It is up to her whether she wants to or gives him a pass. I would think hard, if it were me, if I want her living in my home if she defies all the rules, including still seeing boyfriend. THAT you have control over. I hope that car was in HER name, not yours.

    Hon, she would not have said she uses ICE if she doesn't. It is so hard to face things sometimes. We don't want to and there is little legally we can do after they are 18. WE don't have to pick them up if they get arrested though or pay their errant bills or let them live in our home. I tearfully made my nineteen year old daughter leave when I caught her havaing a drug party in our house while we were out. I had two younger kids to consider. You know what she did? SHE QUIT! I'm not saying that works for all, but it's been eleven years clean here, which she says had a lot to do with our tough stance. We stopped giving her money as soon as we knew she did drugs. No allowance. We took the car away too. And she was only sixteen. We didn't want our money going to help her buy drugs. We did not want to help her drive while she was wasted...maybe get killed or kill another. No blood on our hands. She was furious, but too bad.

    She quit on her own. No rehab, although it's a good option that can get expensive and be useless if the person isn't ready to quit. When they want to quit, they do quit. She even quit cigarettes and didn't tell us until after she did it. It is not up to the parents to d o it. We legally can't. It is up to the person who is using. And it is not our faults.

    In the end we stand with you whatever you decide. Hugs!!!!
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    Last edited: Nov 15, 2015
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Rosie,

    I am glad you have found us. You have received wonderful counsel from parents who have gone through what you are facing. Stay strong. Keep posting. Our hearts are with you.

  20. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    Tonight things have gotten worse. Our daughter has been dreadfully argument, screaming, running around thinking the house might be bugged. Distressed our 12 year old son by screaming that she was going to kill herself. I had to tell him the truth about get drug use. She left stating she would not be returning. I decided to be honest with her grandparents, they were devastated. We sent a message telling her that the doors were locked for the night and we live fed her but for to live in the house these were our boundaries. Anyway long story short, she came home smashed the front door, screamed, hurled abuse, blamed us for everything, hates her step dad who has been fantastic to her all her life. She was screaming that she was clean and had not been using anything blah blah blah. My husband called the police. She got even more hysterical. Went to attack me. She has run of, claiming that the absusive, violent ex boyfriend is picking her up if she retracts her statement to the police. Sooooooo why do I feel so devastated?