I have been trying to do whatever I can to try to heal. I have turned to spirituality and have joined a couple of communities in my faith. I have also tried 12 step groups . And Somatic Experiencing Therapy for early trauma. I have responded most to spirituality. I have had repeated trauma in my life beginning with a very early birth--I was born almost 3 months early. Why I am posting is this: I have a lot of negative feelings that have come up. Mainly shame and sadness. I signed up for a 4 day workshop for people such as me, who had traumatic births or prenatal experiences. I need to travel to get there. And travel for me has become difficult because one I only drive comfortably in my city. Another thing that is making travel anxiety producing is that I have had a flare up of my IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Which began when I was traveling out of town to go to the Somatic Experiencing Therapy. Three times as I was approaching the office, I had diarrhea, which was uncontrollable. Obviously this concerned me. Trauma and stress is linked to IBS. So I mentioned this to the spiritual director with whom I have been working, telling her I felt mildly anxious about traveling to the 4 day workshop. There was no question I would go. I had had to make a largely non-refundable reservation for a very expensive hotel as this was the only option. She suggested strongly that I call the man who is giving the workshop and explain the situation. That now might not be the time to participate. Or that maybe he could have some ideas that would be helpful. She said he is a very compassionate man. I nearly always listen to this woman. In addition to the work she does with me, she is a bodywork practitioner. To be honest I could not see the reason to expose myself in this way, but I listened to her. I decided to do what she suggested, and contact the leader. I did so through an email I had via his wife, which was the suggested method of making contact. The woman wrote back saying that she would speak to her husband but there was a good chance that they would cancel me because he is very protective of the participants. And that he or she would respond in a few days, as they were traveling. I explained to her that I was not symptomatic now. I explained about the hotel. I reminded her I disclosed that I had IBS (which is lifelong, I believe, unless it goes in remission). That I was asymptomatic for many years and am now. And I pointed out gently, that I was accepted having disclosed the condition. If there would be a problem with my attending, what is it and at what point, and under what conditions could I go, if that was the decision. I ended underscoring my commitment to go. More or less. Because now, I really don't want to go. I feel very sad for myself, that I try to get better, and I bump into these obstacles. It feels very shaming to me that it would be suggested that there was even the possibility that my presence could be hurtful to other participants, who would need to be sheltered from me. I feel helpless and alone. Actually, a lot of grief. And shame. I would actually, at this point, be relieved (no pun intended) to NOT go to this workshop. The money I would lose is $700. It is irrevocably lost. But I do not feel safe, now. But even more I feel abandoned. I keep reaching out to try to heal. And then I get hurt. M says that I should not chase these things. That I should wait to see what G-d brings to me. Is he right? Is my mistake trying too hard? I am in pain and I don't know how to make myself feel better. I don't know the words. Thank you.