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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 762725" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>I don’t necessarily believe your son will never speak to you again. Sometimes demanding respect from them and making them a little uncomfortable by not enabling their abusive behavior sets them in the right direction, at least on how to behave around you. You can’t make him stop doing drugs or make him get a job and work. He’ll do that when things get tough enough for him and he finds out no one is going to give him a free ride. But he has to “feel” it, and he won’t as long as someone is stepping in to help when it gets difficult for him.</p><p></p><p>I will let you in on something…I have three children, two older than the child that brought me here. None of them has been a picnic (lol) but far easier than the third! No drugs, thank goodness, but the teenage disrespect and attitude, etc. was there and my daughter, the oldest, now 34, was very hard to manage though she was never a problem in school so at least that part was easy. But she was very oppositional and argumentative her entire life. (Still is, actually)</p><p></p><p>The other son (now 31) was always in sports in high school and was never a problem until he flunked out of college and became depressed, moved back home, wouldn’t get a job, etc. His behavior was such that we eventually had to ask him to leave. Daughter once asked us if she could spend the night at her boyfriend’s house, we said no way, and she decided to do it anyway. We told her if she did, she couldn’t come back. (this was the summer before college). Well, we stuck to our guns. We took the car back, she had to buy one. And she ended up having to live at that boyfriend’s mother’s house for the rest of the summer. Perhaps we went overboard, but she learned not to disrespect our rules.</p><p></p><p>it didn’t take long for each of them to get it right and come back around and daughter actually apologized for her behavior growing up after she began working in a home for wayward teenage girls! She realized some of what she had put us through, lol. You know what they say…what goes around comes around…</p><p></p><p>Today, we have a great relationship with both kids. Even the youngest, who brought me here has continued a loving relationship with us although right now I am keeping a distance just because he has taken advantage of our help and not made any effort to change. But he does not hate us.</p><p></p><p>Tough love is hard but it can get results. I’m not saying it works with every kid, but I think if you continue to enable them in their offensive behaviors, they become even more entitled, then when you do cut it off it makes them angry and want to lash out at you. Better never to start the enabling to begin with. Of course with drugs in the mix, things are more out of control, but in general, I think it’s better to let them figure it out and learn from their mistakes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 762725, member: 23742"] I don’t necessarily believe your son will never speak to you again. Sometimes demanding respect from them and making them a little uncomfortable by not enabling their abusive behavior sets them in the right direction, at least on how to behave around you. You can’t make him stop doing drugs or make him get a job and work. He’ll do that when things get tough enough for him and he finds out no one is going to give him a free ride. But he has to “feel” it, and he won’t as long as someone is stepping in to help when it gets difficult for him. I will let you in on something…I have three children, two older than the child that brought me here. None of them has been a picnic (lol) but far easier than the third! No drugs, thank goodness, but the teenage disrespect and attitude, etc. was there and my daughter, the oldest, now 34, was very hard to manage though she was never a problem in school so at least that part was easy. But she was very oppositional and argumentative her entire life. (Still is, actually) The other son (now 31) was always in sports in high school and was never a problem until he flunked out of college and became depressed, moved back home, wouldn’t get a job, etc. His behavior was such that we eventually had to ask him to leave. Daughter once asked us if she could spend the night at her boyfriend’s house, we said no way, and she decided to do it anyway. We told her if she did, she couldn’t come back. (this was the summer before college). Well, we stuck to our guns. We took the car back, she had to buy one. And she ended up having to live at that boyfriend’s mother’s house for the rest of the summer. Perhaps we went overboard, but she learned not to disrespect our rules. it didn’t take long for each of them to get it right and come back around and daughter actually apologized for her behavior growing up after she began working in a home for wayward teenage girls! She realized some of what she had put us through, lol. You know what they say…what goes around comes around… Today, we have a great relationship with both kids. Even the youngest, who brought me here has continued a loving relationship with us although right now I am keeping a distance just because he has taken advantage of our help and not made any effort to change. But he does not hate us. Tough love is hard but it can get results. I’m not saying it works with every kid, but I think if you continue to enable them in their offensive behaviors, they become even more entitled, then when you do cut it off it makes them angry and want to lash out at you. Better never to start the enabling to begin with. Of course with drugs in the mix, things are more out of control, but in general, I think it’s better to let them figure it out and learn from their mistakes. [/QUOTE]
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