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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 762726" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Yoga, tyvm. Bless your heart.</p><p></p><p>It is truly Nar Anon and my therapist who taught me that I was not supposed to be living in an abusive situation with a very ill and, yes, mean adult child...that letting go isn't myself being a bad mother. I wasn't told these things outright, of course. My therapist was good at letting me figure things out myself. If he had just preached what to do...well, I can be stubborn.</p><p></p><p> Nar Anon's program and working the steps brought me to the same conclusions on my own. We don't tell one another what to do at meetings. We read and take turns discussing what the Reading of the Day means to us. If somebody doesnt have something to say, she can say "pass."</p><p></p><p>I have to say I was shocked to realize that the only person I should try to control is me. I thought Mom's fixed everyone. This realization hit me hard, but was very clear when I saw it... I could not control my daughter's addiction. There. I voukdnt control her. She will do only what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Quitting is up to her. Or not.</p><p></p><p> I can't control her lifestyle decisions beyond quitting either. She is well into her 30s now and her life choices are to be homeless (no rules, no work, nobody telling her what she can and can't use) and to "be free." She and her worthless husband (they physically fight regularly but she will not leave him) are both on SSDI. Have no idea how they got approved but she would not try to get benefits while living near us..."You're rich. Why should I have to go on welfare?" (We are far from rich but she would say that). </p><p></p><p>Like idiots we bought her a few places to live, including a house, three cars she cracked up, paid lots of rent too...she ended up thrown out of everywhere due to her inability/unwillingness to keep up her yard or follow rules. They used drugs openly and fought each other in public and loudly. Trust me, I don't ever think men should touch women, but Kay is big and strong and can really hurt Lee...so they fight as equals and neighbors call the cops on both. We bailed both out if jail at times.</p><p></p><p> Kay has also refused treatment and finally my husband left me because he wanted to stop all $$$ and I did not. He found someone else and I lost it. But I don't blame him either. He had been begging me to stop the enabling for several years and I would call him a cold man and a bad father and I was just lovely....not.</p><p></p><p>This was ten years in and after he left I had a near nervous breakdown and had to take medications and go to therapy. My husband heard and said he loved me and that he wanted to work things out. He came back and we both saw my therapist and joined Nar Anon. And shortly after starting Nar Anon I agreed with what my husband had begged me to do. Kay was destroying me even as she kept pushing me for more money. She was making my husbands health problems worse. Our other daughter and our son were avoiding us. They felt set aside and tired out. Yet they were the ones helping us run our business...it was so unfair.</p><p></p><p>All money, all "help" to Kay stopped. I am now happily married to my husband and my.other, good kids are so glad Kay is no longer a daily headache. Sounds so unloving but I am trying to be honest even if it's awful of us to feel this way.</p><p></p><p>Kay and her husband Lee were given a dilapidated motorhome by an aunt and they drove to Arizona and live in it on some public property, we believe. After Kay realized that the Bank of Dad and Mom was truly closed (oh, she tried her best to guilt us many times)...then she disowned us and took off to the other side of the country. And blocked all social media.</p><p></p><p>Cousins tell us that besides SSDI, the two of them get Food Share and Medicare. This all goes with Disability. So she is eating. She is not working. Lee has a part time job at a pizza place. He always did jobs like that...part time low pay. So Kay did not decide to thrive when we stopped the enabling, but they are truly no worse off. And their son (yes, a poor child was born of this union) has been living with our other daughter since Kay took off. They signed away custody.</p><p></p><p> They never call him or check in on him but he is doing really well with my nice daughter and her husband and cousins. Jaden has autism but he is getting tons of help and is much calmer than he used to be.</p><p></p><p>Are we angry at Kay for her lifestyle choices? Not anymore. Anger is useless and upsets our serenity. We know we have zilch control over Kays life, that there are mo magic words or magic things WE can say or do that will change her. So what reason is there to waste time in anger or resentment? It will only harm us.</p><p></p><p> Our family is closer and healthier without her around.That may sound awful but none of us are meant to be MOMMIES for life. We can be mothers and friends if our kids are good people. A mommy is for children. Our adult kids have legal privileges that children don't. They have to grow up their way. Even if it's a bad way. We won't live forever, even if we refuse to give up the mommy role. </p><p></p><p>Everyone in our NarAnon group....all people with spouses, one brother, one boyfriend and the rest adult children have let go. Not our newcomers, of course. These are our regulars. We are a great group and we support one another. Nobody has to "share" anything at any meeting until/unless she is ready. I say she because our group is about ten of us, from various states on Zoom...and our group is all woman. None of the members who have been in the group for a while give any money or live with the addict. The book we read from a daily reader called is Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope and it is on AMAZON if you are interested in buying it. I love this book. I read it constantly. </p><p></p><p>Anyhow I hope you can remember that your recovery is for yourself because you can only control yourself. All my therapy is focused on my own Serenity. Not on what to do about Kay. Kay has to do Kay.</p><p></p><p>My favorite prayer. But you don't need to use the word God for it to work.</p><p></p><p>The Setenity Prayer</p><p></p><p>God grant me the Serenity to...</p><p>Accept the things I can not change,</p><p>The Courage to change the things I can,</p><p>And the Wisdom to know the difference.</p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 762726, member: 1550"] Yoga, tyvm. Bless your heart. It is truly Nar Anon and my therapist who taught me that I was not supposed to be living in an abusive situation with a very ill and, yes, mean adult child...that letting go isn't myself being a bad mother. I wasn't told these things outright, of course. My therapist was good at letting me figure things out myself. If he had just preached what to do...well, I can be stubborn. Nar Anon's program and working the steps brought me to the same conclusions on my own. We don't tell one another what to do at meetings. We read and take turns discussing what the Reading of the Day means to us. If somebody doesnt have something to say, she can say "pass." I have to say I was shocked to realize that the only person I should try to control is me. I thought Mom's fixed everyone. This realization hit me hard, but was very clear when I saw it... I could not control my daughter's addiction. There. I voukdnt control her. She will do only what she wants to do when she wants to do it. Quitting is up to her. Or not. I can't control her lifestyle decisions beyond quitting either. She is well into her 30s now and her life choices are to be homeless (no rules, no work, nobody telling her what she can and can't use) and to "be free." She and her worthless husband (they physically fight regularly but she will not leave him) are both on SSDI. Have no idea how they got approved but she would not try to get benefits while living near us..."You're rich. Why should I have to go on welfare?" (We are far from rich but she would say that). Like idiots we bought her a few places to live, including a house, three cars she cracked up, paid lots of rent too...she ended up thrown out of everywhere due to her inability/unwillingness to keep up her yard or follow rules. They used drugs openly and fought each other in public and loudly. Trust me, I don't ever think men should touch women, but Kay is big and strong and can really hurt Lee...so they fight as equals and neighbors call the cops on both. We bailed both out if jail at times. Kay has also refused treatment and finally my husband left me because he wanted to stop all $$$ and I did not. He found someone else and I lost it. But I don't blame him either. He had been begging me to stop the enabling for several years and I would call him a cold man and a bad father and I was just lovely....not. This was ten years in and after he left I had a near nervous breakdown and had to take medications and go to therapy. My husband heard and said he loved me and that he wanted to work things out. He came back and we both saw my therapist and joined Nar Anon. And shortly after starting Nar Anon I agreed with what my husband had begged me to do. Kay was destroying me even as she kept pushing me for more money. She was making my husbands health problems worse. Our other daughter and our son were avoiding us. They felt set aside and tired out. Yet they were the ones helping us run our business...it was so unfair. All money, all "help" to Kay stopped. I am now happily married to my husband and my.other, good kids are so glad Kay is no longer a daily headache. Sounds so unloving but I am trying to be honest even if it's awful of us to feel this way. Kay and her husband Lee were given a dilapidated motorhome by an aunt and they drove to Arizona and live in it on some public property, we believe. After Kay realized that the Bank of Dad and Mom was truly closed (oh, she tried her best to guilt us many times)...then she disowned us and took off to the other side of the country. And blocked all social media. Cousins tell us that besides SSDI, the two of them get Food Share and Medicare. This all goes with Disability. So she is eating. She is not working. Lee has a part time job at a pizza place. He always did jobs like that...part time low pay. So Kay did not decide to thrive when we stopped the enabling, but they are truly no worse off. And their son (yes, a poor child was born of this union) has been living with our other daughter since Kay took off. They signed away custody. They never call him or check in on him but he is doing really well with my nice daughter and her husband and cousins. Jaden has autism but he is getting tons of help and is much calmer than he used to be. Are we angry at Kay for her lifestyle choices? Not anymore. Anger is useless and upsets our serenity. We know we have zilch control over Kays life, that there are mo magic words or magic things WE can say or do that will change her. So what reason is there to waste time in anger or resentment? It will only harm us. Our family is closer and healthier without her around.That may sound awful but none of us are meant to be MOMMIES for life. We can be mothers and friends if our kids are good people. A mommy is for children. Our adult kids have legal privileges that children don't. They have to grow up their way. Even if it's a bad way. We won't live forever, even if we refuse to give up the mommy role. Everyone in our NarAnon group....all people with spouses, one brother, one boyfriend and the rest adult children have let go. Not our newcomers, of course. These are our regulars. We are a great group and we support one another. Nobody has to "share" anything at any meeting until/unless she is ready. I say she because our group is about ten of us, from various states on Zoom...and our group is all woman. None of the members who have been in the group for a while give any money or live with the addict. The book we read from a daily reader called is Sharing Experience, Strength and Hope and it is on AMAZON if you are interested in buying it. I love this book. I read it constantly. Anyhow I hope you can remember that your recovery is for yourself because you can only control yourself. All my therapy is focused on my own Serenity. Not on what to do about Kay. Kay has to do Kay. My favorite prayer. But you don't need to use the word God for it to work. The Setenity Prayer God grant me the Serenity to... Accept the things I can not change, The Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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