I need to be evaluated!

[saving grace]

So he says....

I need to have my head examined. My life is falling apart, I dont even know where to begin. Today is my day off, I think I am very very generous in driving difficult child to work everyday. On Friday's I have to drive difficult child and babygirl and they both have to be at their destinations at the same time. So I leave a little earlier and drop difficult child off at work 10 minutes early and then scoot across town to get babygirl to school by 8:00am

My alarm goes off, I stumble in to shake BG who lately has been having issues with listening and whining which is SOOOOOOOO not like her, (we are attributing it to difficult child being here) She starts with I dont want to get up, I dont want to go and then proceeds to cry and gag then throw up. Moving on...

I go down stairs, I throw a bagel in the toaster for difficult child, I hear his alarm go off, I hear him turn it off. I wait.... No difficult child.... I go down and say its time to get up, he proceeds to regress back to high school witht he I'm not getting up, my back hurts, get out blah blah blah, expletive expletive.. I remind him that if he does not go to work then he is not able to continue to stay here, he goes offffff, I start screaming, I start crying, I cant help it..

My nice quiet home is not a war zone, its only 10 past 7 at this point. BG is still upstairs crying, I am on the first floor crying and difficult child is in the basement swearing.

I guess stopping my zoloft wasnt such a good idea.

I am also dealing with a financial issue brought on by difficult child's choices but not his doing. A "friend" of the family was supposed to be helping us get difficult child's car fixed that was smashed up so he could sell it and pay off the loan. WELL that was mid September and here it is Dec 1 and the "friend"is missing and the body shop is telling me that they never received the insurance checks, we look into it and they have been cashed. So the body shop wants $3000 husband and I put up $8500 to pay off the loan with the hopes to sell it and make some money off of the investment. Yeah right!! We are now sitting here waiting for copies of the checks from the insurance company to see who signed the backs of the checks, the bank is waitin for copies as well because they say they didnt stamp the backs and they were made out to both difficult child and the bank due to him having a loan on the car. This doesnt get me the car back. So we wait.... and through all of this what does difficult child do??? (see above) Plus he just makes out lives miserable, I cant believe I let this happen again.

Oh and did I mention that my beautiful baby girl called my husband a F*G fill in the blank, we flipped out, gave her time out, talked to her teacher etc... then this morning she goes downstairs to tell difficult child we were leaving and used that word again!!!

I am going back to bed

Grace

 

[gottaloveem]

Grace, I am so sorry!

I have my suspicions that difficult child is still using. He told you he still needed suboxone, that if he doesn't take it he feels sick. His attitude is still awful. He is making your life a living hell. If he doesn't go to work he risks losing his job. To me, this doesn't sound like a young man trying to overcome his addiction and move his life in a positive direction. His behavior reminds me of a person still using.

Now he is starting to effect babygirl,and the sanity of your nice quiet home life. How much do you have to sacrafice for difficult child?

Where else can he go besides your house?????

 

[TYLERFAN]

Grace:

I so get what you are saying.
If I had all the money I wasted and spent on difficult child and her craziness....I'd be a millionaire. Not that I minded trying to spend money for her treatment, it isn't that.....She just seems to suck me dry financially. I wrote it all off and now only buy her what I think she needs.......The money stuff causes alot of resentment by me and I'm sure by you...
The staying in bed stuff, screaming, cursing by difficult child in the morning made me remember the same things happening with mine......your words had me reliving it.
So we live and learn. Detachment is the only answer. I'm not sure of your difficult child's exact history but if he can't do what he said he would do to live in your house.......He needs to move. I have made a vow with myself, and I know it's true, that I can never live with difficult child ever again. This is my line in the sand......it took so long for me.
I just want you to know I am so sorry you are going thru what so many "perfect parents" do not know from. We know, here.
Sending prayers and cyber hugs.

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[KFld]

I have said for the last year and a half that difficult child can never come live in our home again, but once in awhile I start thinking, what if he's doing really well someday, would I change my mind?? Then I read a post like this and it reminds me of my answer, NO!!!!Not now, not ever!!!!
I agree that these are definite signs that he is still using. He is showing all the familiar signs.
You have to get him out of your home, especially now that you see how it is effecting baby girl. Never mind it depending on whether he's working or not, because having a job is not changing his attitude and the way he disrespects you.
He is causing your life to fall apart. Take back your life and make him take responsibility for his.

 

[Sunlight]

when you are tired of the chaos...it can end.
til then, May you have the strength and fortitude to get thru this day.

 

[neajle]

Grace, I have to agree with Ant's mom. When you are tired of it all, you can end it. Please get some help. His life is destroying all of yours and your family.

Until then, God bless all of you and please take care of yourself and that baby girl of yours.

jean

 

[DDD]

Sending hugs. Sure wish I had "the" answers. DDD

 

[AliceLee]

Grace, I'm praying that you'll be able to overcome your fears of what will become of him and have him leave your home. It is sooo hard, but its better than your whole family being destroyed (my husband and I were separated for a year...difficult child and her manipulating were a big part of our problems). It is also extremely hard on the other children to have their family in constant turmoil over difficult child.

I am still struggling each and every day with fears about what's happening in my difficult child's life, but I do know that I can't control the bad things that happen to her, nor can I do anything about the choices she makes. She will NOT live in our home again for more than a week or so. Been there, done that, and it just doesn't work!


Do go get some help for yourself! Also, I go to Families Anonymous, which has really helped.

 

[saving grace]

I think I would be ok with the detaching and the wondering about him all the time, He just doesnt have anywhere to go, I mean with the exception of a homeless shelters and the street. If he would just find a roommate or if he would find a place he could afford. he just doesnt want to go. Thats what makes it hard, I dont want to see him go to a shelter or the streets.

Grace

 

[TYLERFAN]

Not to sound harsh but, sometimes you have to have them leave even though they have no place to go.
Waiting for him to find a place he can afford etc, you will be 90 years old or older........ :confused: :wildone: :tears: /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/11-24h.gif
As so many of us here, I too have traveled this road.
Ask your higher power for the strength.

Blessings,
Melissa :smile:

 

[1905]

I know you want to help him. But you need to help yourself too. He's a bad influence and wreaking havoc on babygirls life. And yours. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar for many years, it sucked. Sending support.-Alyssa

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Grace,

I understand the resentment from all the financial burdens as well as treatment sought and still getting no return on the "investment". I liken it now to being used (like a drug). It's pretty easy to feel completely obligated to our children's success or recovery. Sadly, all the "love", wisdom, money, race for the cure, etc...can't force a change if they don't want it. The state of "willingness" has to come from within.

A 22 year old young man who's mother threw him out of the house several years ago told me that he now knows she helped facilitate his recovery by doing that. He told me point blank...If you enable your son(s)you are helping to kill him.
Strong words but it's language like that That I need to hear at times.
My idea of being a "good mom" is not what my drug addict son(s) need to hit bottom and not a "loving" thing to let them take ME with them.

I met a mom too in Al-Anon (the side of AA that is for family members living with the alcoholic/addict). She has lost one son to drugs. She made it pretty clear in a meeting one day that she had to go on living, have the courage to get her life back on track cause she still had other children (one at risk who is now making significant progress) in her home to stand before and learn to make better decisions with...her story and words have stuck with me cause she has already faced and lived through my greatest fear (which I read on a previous post is yours as well as others too). God bless gottaloveem.

Those who have suggested Al Anon so that you go on living and not feeding into the confusion that drug addicted children produces in us, are giving you a lifepreserver to take hold of...
You have a responsibility to the life you were given, Grace. Your son's addictions don't have to take everything with them. I almost allowed myself to "die" with my sons...as if that's just what a good mother should have to do for "love". I was so wrong Grace, that is not loving to sacrifice yourself or your other children.
It has taken me 5 years and my own personal "bottom" if you will, to begin to learn this. Everything about me wanted to "save" my sons. Somebody also told me to
"get off the cross, we need the wood".

I have to hear stuff like that to regain my life and stand up again.
Drugs don't just seek to devour our children Grace, I think you already know this, really. They'll bleed us dry and can be our ruin too. It's too much power to give to those drugs.

And...It's amazing what our drug addicted children can survive. The will to live is actually a pretty strong instinct. But it has to come from a personal bottom and something they find deep within themselves...for themselves. It's not something you can deliver to your child through your efforts to save...it's something that happens when they have nothing but their own lives too lose, most often times.
I wish there was an easier way...I would have found it.

Hugs and care...for YOU, you are worth it and your lil one is watching and observing the power you give to the monster of drugs: your sanity, your peace, a calm home, stable emotions, debt, etc. I say all this with care.
I have heard some powerful messeges to my own life this last year of meetings. None were said to hurt me, only to get me to wake up to the reality of coddling drugs (via my sons) and to start living life on life's terms.
Your child is in there somewhere...he can regain his life, and a homeless shelter is not the worst place for him to maybe begin to...
You can always be there to offer help when he's making steps toward his own recovery...But HE has to want it, he has to want it more than drugs.

My one son in prison drug rehab now, who has threatend suicide in jail in front of me...I told him, "It has to hurt this bad, You have to hate this place of pain more than you EVER loved a drug". I have walked out on him screaming and banging on those 2 way glass windows...the cold, dungeony, wild animal world of downtown county jail. Yes, of course I cried much of the way home...to the next meeting actually.
I would Never, Ever be able to face that and speak those words without the meetings I've been to...people who knew me 2 years ago here on the board know that's true. Everything then was my fault or my responsibilty or my duty or "all about me". It's not about me, it's not personal but there is a certain therapy, if you will, to deal with drug addicts and there is nothing pretty about it for me. But if you don't respect yourself and call it like it is, the drugs have the upper hand. And drugs love mommy's who will bleed themselves dry for their precious babies...they're NOT babies anymore.

I'm sorry if I rambled too much. You CAN be okay, Grace...and so can your son.
lovemysons

 

[TYLERFAN]

Well said LMS....... :warrior:

Blessings,
Melissa :smile:

 

[janebrain]

Hi,
I don't mean to be harsh either but what is wrong with him going to a homeless shelter? My dtr didn't have anywhere to go either but I made her leave and she ended up in our local red cross shelter. Please, put your 4 yr old dtr first--she is showing you that she cannot live with this stress. My 15 yr old dtr suffers from dissociative disorder mostly due to living with her older difficult child sister. I did not put her first til recently because I felt so sorry for difficult child and all her problems. Please do not make this mistake--he will not get better til you remove the safety net. It's too bad it works that way for some kids but those are the facts...
Warmly,
Jane

 

[AliceLee]

Living in a homeless shelter or on the streets might give him the incentive to do something about his illness.

 

[rejectedmom]

Grace, Ditto what Lovemysons said. Tell difficult child to leave now get to a meeting and start reclaiming some peace in your and baby girl's life. (((HUGS))) -RM

 

[KFld]

When I first kicked my difficult child out I wanted him to live in his car to feel what had become of his life and hit bottom, but his wingnut girlfriend's mother put them up in a hotel and I was very angry at the time because I was trying to make him hit bottom and she didn't allow it.
It's not easy. I didn't feel good about the fact that I wanted him to live in his car, but I needed him to hit bottom.