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<blockquote data-quote="lovemysons" data-source="post: 7158" data-attributes="member: 3305"><p>Hi Grace, </p><p></p><p>I understand the resentment from all the financial burdens as well as treatment sought and still getting no return on the "investment". I liken it now to being used (like a drug). It's pretty easy to feel completely obligated to our children's success or recovery. Sadly, all the "love", wisdom, money, race for the cure, etc...can't force a change if they don't want it. The state of "willingness" has to come from within. </p><p></p><p>A 22 year old young man who's mother threw him out of the house several years ago told me that he now knows she helped facilitate his recovery by doing that. He told me point blank...If you enable your son(s)you are helping to kill him. </p><p>Strong words but it's language like that That I need to hear at times. </p><p>My idea of being a "good mom" is not what my drug addict son(s) need to hit bottom and not a "loving" thing to let them take ME with them. </p><p></p><p>I met a mom too in Al-Anon (the side of AA that is for family members living with the alcoholic/addict). She has lost one son to drugs. She made it pretty clear in a meeting one day that she had to go on living, have the courage to get her life back on track cause she still had other children (one at risk who is now making significant progress) in her home to stand before and learn to make better decisions with...her story and words have stuck with me cause she has already faced and lived through my greatest fear (which I read on a previous post is yours as well as others too). God bless gottaloveem. </p><p></p><p>Those who have suggested Al Anon so that you go on living and not feeding into the confusion that drug addicted children produces in us, are giving you a lifepreserver to take hold of... </p><p>You have a responsibility to the life you were given, Grace. Your son's addictions don't have to take everything with them. I almost allowed myself to "die" with my sons...as if that's just what a good mother should have to do for "love". I was so wrong Grace, that is not loving to sacrifice yourself or your other children. </p><p>It has taken me 5 years and my own personal "bottom" if you will, to begin to learn this. Everything about me wanted to "save" my sons. Somebody also told me to </p><p>"get off the cross, we need the wood". </p><p></p><p>I have to hear stuff like that to regain my life and stand up again. </p><p>Drugs don't just seek to devour our children Grace, I think you already know this, really. They'll bleed us dry and can be our ruin too. It's too much power to give to those drugs. </p><p></p><p>And...It's amazing what our drug addicted children can survive. The will to live is actually a pretty strong instinct. But it has to come from a personal bottom and something they find deep within themselves...for themselves. It's not something you can deliver to your child through your efforts to save...it's something that happens when they have nothing but their own lives too lose, most often times. </p><p>I wish there was an easier way...I would have found it. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and care...for YOU, you are worth it and your lil one is watching and observing the power you give to the monster of drugs: your sanity, your peace, a calm home, stable emotions, debt, etc. I say all this with care. </p><p>I have heard some powerful messeges to my own life this last year of meetings. None were said to hurt me, only to get me to wake up to the reality of coddling drugs (via my sons) and to start living life on life's terms. </p><p>Your child is in there somewhere...he can regain his life, and a homeless shelter is not the worst place for him to maybe begin to...</p><p>You can always be there to offer help when he's making steps toward his own recovery...But HE has to want it, he has to want it more than drugs. </p><p></p><p>My one son in prison drug rehab now, who has threatend suicide in jail in front of me...I told him, "It has to hurt this bad, You have to hate this place of pain more than you EVER loved a drug". I have walked out on him screaming and banging on those 2 way glass windows...the cold, dungeony, wild animal world of downtown county jail. Yes, of course I cried much of the way home...to the next meeting actually. </p><p>I would Never, Ever be able to face that and speak those words without the meetings I've been to...people who knew me 2 years ago here on the board know that's true. Everything then was my fault or my responsibilty or my duty or "all about me". It's not about me, it's not personal but there is a certain therapy, if you will, to deal with drug addicts and there is nothing pretty about it for me. But if you don't respect yourself and call it like it is, the drugs have the upper hand. And drugs love mommy's who will bleed themselves dry for their precious babies...they're NOT babies anymore. </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry if I rambled too much. You CAN be okay, Grace...and so can your son. </p><p>lovemysons</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="lovemysons, post: 7158, member: 3305"] Hi Grace, I understand the resentment from all the financial burdens as well as treatment sought and still getting no return on the "investment". I liken it now to being used (like a drug). It's pretty easy to feel completely obligated to our children's success or recovery. Sadly, all the "love", wisdom, money, race for the cure, etc...can't force a change if they don't want it. The state of "willingness" has to come from within. A 22 year old young man who's mother threw him out of the house several years ago told me that he now knows she helped facilitate his recovery by doing that. He told me point blank...If you enable your son(s)you are helping to kill him. Strong words but it's language like that That I need to hear at times. My idea of being a "good mom" is not what my drug addict son(s) need to hit bottom and not a "loving" thing to let them take ME with them. I met a mom too in Al-Anon (the side of AA that is for family members living with the alcoholic/addict). She has lost one son to drugs. She made it pretty clear in a meeting one day that she had to go on living, have the courage to get her life back on track cause she still had other children (one at risk who is now making significant progress) in her home to stand before and learn to make better decisions with...her story and words have stuck with me cause she has already faced and lived through my greatest fear (which I read on a previous post is yours as well as others too). God bless gottaloveem. Those who have suggested Al Anon so that you go on living and not feeding into the confusion that drug addicted children produces in us, are giving you a lifepreserver to take hold of... You have a responsibility to the life you were given, Grace. Your son's addictions don't have to take everything with them. I almost allowed myself to "die" with my sons...as if that's just what a good mother should have to do for "love". I was so wrong Grace, that is not loving to sacrifice yourself or your other children. It has taken me 5 years and my own personal "bottom" if you will, to begin to learn this. Everything about me wanted to "save" my sons. Somebody also told me to "get off the cross, we need the wood". I have to hear stuff like that to regain my life and stand up again. Drugs don't just seek to devour our children Grace, I think you already know this, really. They'll bleed us dry and can be our ruin too. It's too much power to give to those drugs. And...It's amazing what our drug addicted children can survive. The will to live is actually a pretty strong instinct. But it has to come from a personal bottom and something they find deep within themselves...for themselves. It's not something you can deliver to your child through your efforts to save...it's something that happens when they have nothing but their own lives too lose, most often times. I wish there was an easier way...I would have found it. Hugs and care...for YOU, you are worth it and your lil one is watching and observing the power you give to the monster of drugs: your sanity, your peace, a calm home, stable emotions, debt, etc. I say all this with care. I have heard some powerful messeges to my own life this last year of meetings. None were said to hurt me, only to get me to wake up to the reality of coddling drugs (via my sons) and to start living life on life's terms. Your child is in there somewhere...he can regain his life, and a homeless shelter is not the worst place for him to maybe begin to... You can always be there to offer help when he's making steps toward his own recovery...But HE has to want it, he has to want it more than drugs. My one son in prison drug rehab now, who has threatend suicide in jail in front of me...I told him, "It has to hurt this bad, You have to hate this place of pain more than you EVER loved a drug". I have walked out on him screaming and banging on those 2 way glass windows...the cold, dungeony, wild animal world of downtown county jail. Yes, of course I cried much of the way home...to the next meeting actually. I would Never, Ever be able to face that and speak those words without the meetings I've been to...people who knew me 2 years ago here on the board know that's true. Everything then was my fault or my responsibilty or my duty or "all about me". It's not about me, it's not personal but there is a certain therapy, if you will, to deal with drug addicts and there is nothing pretty about it for me. But if you don't respect yourself and call it like it is, the drugs have the upper hand. And drugs love mommy's who will bleed themselves dry for their precious babies...they're NOT babies anymore. I'm sorry if I rambled too much. You CAN be okay, Grace...and so can your son. lovemysons [/QUOTE]
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