I probably know better but....

It's been a tough couple of weeks around here....a week ago Friday I ended up in ER. MDs wanted to admit me for high BiPolar (BP), pain & some emotional issues ~ no one to take kt on so I ended up here rather than in the hospital.

Back to MD (rather 3 of them) today to discuss the situation. Not much to discuss ~ my family, my support system is 350 miles away. One of the MDs I saw today was my psychiatrist. She's changing my AD ~ I hadn't filled my lexapro Thursday because I had the appointment Friday. She's wanting me to start back on Cymbalta & half the dose of lexapro.

I don't want to take either of them. I've been off the cymbalta for a couple of months now....the lexapro is fairly new ~ just a few weeks.

I'm finally grieving the loss of husband, the tears are flowing freely with-o shame; with-o the fear that I will lose my mind or my heart will break in two. I'm grieving the loss of my mother, my health & the stability (or lack thereof) of my little family. It's just kt & me now. wm is barely in the picture.

My mind feels the most clear it's been for a long time. Sooooo.....am I having incredible mood swings & belong back on this stuff? Am I actually beginning to feel again with-o the medications? Is this a good thing?

Should I get the medications filled & start taking them again? Am I off my nut?

 

(((((hugs)))))) Linda

If you don't feel you need the medications to cope, then I wouldn't take them. Grief is a very hard thing, and yeah it can cause some big time mood swings. But if you're able to deal with it without being overwhelmed, then I honestly see no reason for medications. That is something though that only you can judge.

Now that my decorations are up, I'm missing mother in law something horrible and grieve. I keep starting to make plans for the family to gather to be with her..........then it hits me that she is gone. It's like someone socking me in the gut. Many of my decorations both on the tree and around the house were once hers collected over a lifetime. Every time I see one of them I think of her. But I refuse to put them away. A part of her is with us, both in our hearts and in those decorations she cherished so much, be darned if they're going to stay sealed up in a box. That isn't why she gave them to me. But still I miss her terribly.

 

I am so sorry that you are in such pain. Obviously you have lived a stressful life for quite a few years and this year your body and mind are reacting to all that has happened before. in my humble opinion you need to find a medical professional that you trust to help you through this time. For decades you have had to be the decision maker for almost all aspects of your family life. That burden, I believe, can become a patterned way of thinking that prevents you from trusting medical advice. Understandably.

Just as you learned to trust your relatives to oversee your finances for awhile, you really need to find someone who can oversee your personal healthcare decisions. Although I understand reluctance to change or add medications, you obviously need some help to be your best. If you second guess medical recommendations then you are adding a tremendous burden to your already heavy load. Find someone who understands you and your needs. Find someone who listens to your concerns and then explains why to benefits outweigh the concerns. When in crisis patients need a leader they trust.

As always I am rooting for you. I would hope that your support system could find appropriate care for your daughter so you can get the needed care for yourself. Hugs. DDD

 

Linda,

Hi ya toots. Well - it's certainly been a long time coming huh? I guess what I get out of what you are asking us is - Is it okay to cry and feel this sad? Hmmmm. Good questions, but not one I think I'm capable of answering in your particular case. Why? Well, for one - while I know your situation in parts, I don't know you like I'd need to in order to make that enormous decision about the future of your health. Does part of me wish that you could sit and have a really good cry over all the losses in your life and have us just sit in a circle and hold you for say a week until it was better for you? Yup. You betcha. Do I wish that would be the end of it for your pain and you could move on from there? Sure, I love you - but....the reality of it is - without the medications to help you and people right there to support you what happens then? How would you cope? Would you do okay? Would you fall apart more? Would you be able to rise above all the loss or would you spiral down and recognize it before it was too late or would you spiral down and be worse off than you are now? These are things none of us can answer for you and what your doctors and our doctors are held responsible for every day. It's an enormous responsibility.

When I have talked to Dude in the past about his extreme depression? I've tried to tell him that the medicine doesn't mask his ability to feel things. I think when you already start out with a deficit the medicines sorta level you out. You still feel pain, you still are aware of the sadness and in your case overwhelming loss - but the medicine gives you the ability to deal with the losses and (AND) allows you to carry on with every day life - whatever that may be - good, bad, give, take - have, loss - because life goes on, and you are still left to deal with the things that were.

I'm on AD's because - well because at this point I still believe without them? I'm not sure I could do "the past" AND cope with "the now". When I've tried to cut my dose in 1/2 or wean off of the Welbutrin? - Uhhh well - I didn't see it as a failure because - (laughing as I look around my nearly destroyed house, loss of job, no family at Christmas - and daily struggles - that REALLY wouldn't be struggles if (IF) everything else in my life would just CUT ME A FREAKIN break. It just seems that for the last Oh I dunno - 20 years - has just been one thing after another and (shrug - exhale) I KNOW you have to go on, I KNOW you have to DEAL, I KNOW I need to get up every morning and set an example - but some days I think - I just want to lay in bed and not. THOSE are the days when I realize - if I didn't have the AD's? I wouldn't be able to think and rationalize about what I need to DO.....the "I KNOWS" in my life. I'd just be in bed, not thinking - just depressed. Morbidly depressed.

Maybe it would be better for you to start thinking things through with a really good counselor about HOW MUCH LINDA HAS gone through and just HOW TOUGH she REALLY AND TRULY IS - and start giving HER CREDIT for surviving regardless if it was with or without medications? I mean MY WORD woman! LOOK at what you have been through. LOOK! THINK! WOW! Praise yourself for a moment for the things that you HAVE accomplished. Not for what you have NOT! I dont' know of anyone in your situation that has been through what you have and still looks at the world and says I WILL TRY - I WONDER HOW - DO YOU THINK I CAN? - I've told you this before you are an AMAZING WOMAN. Not just another woman - AN AMAZING WOMAN - and well - I'm impressed.

Why aren't you? WHY. AREN'T. YOU? You have lost your mate, raised two children who you love that few others would have even ever given a second look at - and yet - even with profound (PROFOUND) disabilities - and on your own - you said I WILL TRY!!! WHY does that not count for EVERYTHING in your book? (Shrug) I don't know. I believe D3 is right - her advice is sound, and spot on - and insightful - and if I were you - I'd take it. Trust isn't something that comes with being a doctor just because you have a diploma. YOu have a right to feel secure with whom you see - and feel someone gives a damn. We do - and we don't know =know you - So should they.

You've fought for everyone else ALL YOUR LIFE - start realizing YOU are SPECTACULAR and JUST AS WORTHY - and fight for LINDA. Get what you need so you can quit second guessing yourself - If you want to cry? Find a doctor and tell them you want to cry - and why you want to or why you are worried to - Write it out.......So you don't forget. I can't remember peanut butter for goodness sake from my house to the store - why can't you write this out to a doctor? This is your health.

I love you - You should love you too - Now get out there - AND FIGHT for LINDA - she's wonderful .........and she's needed at the WO and Shari Virtual Board Christmas Party to play piano - (see Watercooler post) I put you down to play the piano.

Hugs and Love
Star

 

It's such a personal thing I don't really have any advice. I was in shock for months when my mom died, my grief hit way later and I needed medications for it, but I wasn't already on medications to compare it to. Only you know how much you can handle at once, even if it does take someone else pointing it out to you (like kt).

 

I have no advice that's any different from what the other ladies have said. Many, many hugs. You are truly an amazing woman.

 

Grief is not a reason to medicate. And if you are now, after all this time, finally feeling safe enough to let it all out, I think you need to give yourself time to purge yourself of those pent up feelings.

That said, if you find you are not functioning, isolating yourself, neglecting your daily care and activities, then you need to take a hard look at whether you've become stuck in an emotional pit. That's when the medications will help. You know that SSRI's like Lexapro take weeks to work, so keep that in mind.

When my dad died, I was an emotional wreck for several weeks. And I DID need to increase my medications for just a short time. And even now, though the grief is not as raw, I find myself in moments of sadness and pain, but they are much shorter and pass quicker than before, so I don't bother adjusting anything. I just acknowledge the pain, and move on, and it gets better.

I would keep with your therapy appointments and just see how things go, Linda. Trust yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.

 

Ladies, as always you have so much wisdom. Triple D, I need to appoint someone to help me with my medical decisions. I fear I've let things go too far with-o that piece in my life.

I've filled the prescriptions ~ as Chicken Lady mentioned I'm past the point of grief to struggling with self care. My neuro MD has prescribed some in home nursing along with a home health aide. We'll see what my insurance covers.

Star, my love, thank you so much. I was told this past week it's time to give myself credit for all that's been accomplished for the tweedles. I also have to choose to quit beating on myself. My body didn't stop working to torture me AND I need to stop with the negative talk; the "I can't believe my house is so messy" when I cannot get out of bed in the morning. For whatever reason my body is what it is - I need to learn to come to terms with it & continue to ask for help.

Ladies, thank you so much. This too shall pass.

 

I think that will bring you some peace of mind and that's the main goal. Sending hugs from afar. DDD

 

Linda,

The NEXT time you think YOUR house is messy? Turn on the Discovery Channel and watch and episode of Hoarders.....I swear EVERY time I see that show? I think I am a housekeeping Goddess, and consider throwing out all my AD's. - Seriously - when you have to clean your livingroom with a snow shovel, or shove a garden hose in your front window and use a squeege to clean up dog poop? THEN we'll talk about what a problem YOU have with housekeeping - because those women HAVE able bodies.

 

I'm still worried about serotonin syndrome. I think it might be worth it to come off all of the AD's to get a baseline and go from there.