Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I quit
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 264574" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I think quitting our childrens bad behaviors is a lot like trying to quit any bad habit. In part I think we try/fail, try/fail, try/fail and then either detach from their behaviors because we have gone though counseling and have learned how to make ourselves happy OR out of desperation we turn our backs on our kids because they are literally killing us and some magical autopilot parent kicks in. The latter isn't a healthy alternative for anyone but you don't have to look far to find a parent that has literally given up on their child, shut down and refuses to speak and work out their differences. A lot of families have this method because they aren't able to learn how to agree to disagree or give 50% or come to some agreement that won't let them ruin being around each other for fear of loosing an argument or point that has become a literal snowball. Mountains/molehills that sort of thing. </p><p> </p><p>In your home? There is no negotiator. There is no one that I can see that is saying = Okay - YOU to a neutral corner and YOU to a neutral corner, take a breath, or an hour, or a day - and we'll come back and revisit this particular issue. Mostly that doesn't happen because difficult child's are all RIGHT NOW kinds of people. In their minds they feel their needs must be met NOW NOW NOW - so there is no time for negotiations or bending. My way or the highway. And as a parent you're standing there thinking - Look jerk...no means NO. And it should just be like the King and I? Let it be written let it be done. And it can be better - but you really haven't gotten to that part of the fun stuff in therapy yet to learn how to avert his moods, or stand firm in your NO's, and you're not far along enough yet to have a really thick hide, but you will. IT takes PRACTICE. </p><p> </p><p>And the lovely thing about continuing therapy is that everyone goes and things - OKAY it's going bad, now good, now bad, now good - and what you dont' realize is that before you went - you only knew it could be bad, bad good. SO you're changing the rythm of your family dynamics.....IF everyone participates. If they do NOT - and YOU kjs keep going? Then what you are going to get out of all of this is the ability to draw a line in the sand and say what you mean and mean what you say. Currently you're sending mixed signals. </p><p> </p><p>YOu don't want to talk to him, parent him and now he's grinning - but you asked when he's coming home. BALONEY! Stop asking. You've stated that you are worried about him riding in a car. Did you bring this up with your therapist in family session? DId you move to add it to your list of house rules? NO RIDING IN A CAR WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 - period. Breaking this rule? 1 month delay on him getting HIS temp/license at the age of 15. He keeps whining and manipulating you with his BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT - and you're caving in. My answer would be "Uh huh -OH...okay I see - no." and then NO arguments. Being 14 and riding in a car with the boys who are prone to drinking and smoking - is a HUGE NONO. PERIOD. </p><p> </p><p>So he wants to sleep over at a freinds because it's HIS Spring Break. Well what did he get done on his chore list to BE REWARDED to have a sleepover? Nothing? Did you check the chore list for Thursday? What was he supposed to do? Did he do it? What were the consequences? How is he supposed to know what's expected out of him if it's not in black and white. Had I been talking to a neighbor - and my son came to me, interrupted me, and then made demands - and backsassed me? Sister - the tears would have flowed a lot more - OMG how embarassing. At 14 he knows better - THE RULE SHOULD BE - WHen I am talking to another adult YOU are to be....WHERE? NOT STANDING HERE INTERRUPTING ME - now if you want me to talk to you later I'd suggest you get in the house and go do your CHORES.....</p><p> </p><p>And you're upset he hates you. OMG - BY A SHOW OF HANDS - (me putting up a pair or 3 extra from other people) how many of us had lived with a difficult child that said I HATE YOUR GUTS....and told all their friends I HATE MY MOM - ?????? Yeah - I would say - THEN I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. </p><p> </p><p>You need to find your Groove Stella - I'm serious - YOu need to rise to that place where when this kid says something to you thats hurtful or ugly and makes you want to cry - YOU =instead grow a hide and say something like "Uh huh....wow - well you won't be doing THAT now." and walk off - like it doesn't bother you. AT ALL. </p><p> </p><p>If these kids think that they are getting to us one little bit they OWN us. Like = your saying "I QUIT" and then askign "When is he going to be home." START ACTING LIKE YOU DO NOT CARE. Doesn't mean you don't love him - just means that you have a nare do well complex......</p><p> </p><p>He comes to you next week and says "I need money for lunch" you say "Gosh me too - but I don't hand over my hard earned money to someone who hates me - you're on your own. OH and the little debbies are locked up -" He comes to you at night and says "I need a ride to the library." YOu say "And I need to go check the drain in the shower for hairballs." and get up and leave the room. He stands in the middle of somewhere and throws a tantrum.....YOU? WALK AWAY and say "Wonder who's kid THAT is how immature." </p><p> </p><p>THEN - talk about it with your therapist - if you're going to quit - QUIT = scare the hades out of them both. If you and hubby are getting along -= at this point? Do for him. IF son comes to you and says "I needa" Say nothing.....walk away. Or say "I don't speak to people who treat me like carp." and do NOT engage him further in an argument. JUST WALK AWAY. </p><p> </p><p>Right now - I hate to be the one to tell you this - but your son is doing a very lame job of divide and conquer. He's got DADDY riding the rail for him and since YOU have been the one to dish out the discipline? He's figured out a way to push you out of the picture and be a wild child. If you don't address this in therapy now and nip it in the bud - you'll be sorry. I say it's a lame job because he's SO obvious with his intentions.....amateur at best.....so this tells ME that there is hope - you just have to KNOW how to level this kids playing field - and bring the game........</p><p> </p><p>SO GET BUSY GIRL AND BRING IT</p><p> </p><p>any therapist worth their MOrton salt can tell you how to achieve success with this. ANd if your husband is NOT going to get on board......then maybe you need to reevaluate YOUR Life and how miserable YOU are going to allow YOURSELF to get and what your plans will be a year from now. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>STar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 264574, member: 4964"] I think quitting our childrens bad behaviors is a lot like trying to quit any bad habit. In part I think we try/fail, try/fail, try/fail and then either detach from their behaviors because we have gone though counseling and have learned how to make ourselves happy OR out of desperation we turn our backs on our kids because they are literally killing us and some magical autopilot parent kicks in. The latter isn't a healthy alternative for anyone but you don't have to look far to find a parent that has literally given up on their child, shut down and refuses to speak and work out their differences. A lot of families have this method because they aren't able to learn how to agree to disagree or give 50% or come to some agreement that won't let them ruin being around each other for fear of loosing an argument or point that has become a literal snowball. Mountains/molehills that sort of thing. In your home? There is no negotiator. There is no one that I can see that is saying = Okay - YOU to a neutral corner and YOU to a neutral corner, take a breath, or an hour, or a day - and we'll come back and revisit this particular issue. Mostly that doesn't happen because difficult child's are all RIGHT NOW kinds of people. In their minds they feel their needs must be met NOW NOW NOW - so there is no time for negotiations or bending. My way or the highway. And as a parent you're standing there thinking - Look jerk...no means NO. And it should just be like the King and I? Let it be written let it be done. And it can be better - but you really haven't gotten to that part of the fun stuff in therapy yet to learn how to avert his moods, or stand firm in your NO's, and you're not far along enough yet to have a really thick hide, but you will. IT takes PRACTICE. And the lovely thing about continuing therapy is that everyone goes and things - OKAY it's going bad, now good, now bad, now good - and what you dont' realize is that before you went - you only knew it could be bad, bad good. SO you're changing the rythm of your family dynamics.....IF everyone participates. If they do NOT - and YOU kjs keep going? Then what you are going to get out of all of this is the ability to draw a line in the sand and say what you mean and mean what you say. Currently you're sending mixed signals. YOu don't want to talk to him, parent him and now he's grinning - but you asked when he's coming home. BALONEY! Stop asking. You've stated that you are worried about him riding in a car. Did you bring this up with your therapist in family session? DId you move to add it to your list of house rules? NO RIDING IN A CAR WITH ANYONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 - period. Breaking this rule? 1 month delay on him getting HIS temp/license at the age of 15. He keeps whining and manipulating you with his BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT - and you're caving in. My answer would be "Uh huh -OH...okay I see - no." and then NO arguments. Being 14 and riding in a car with the boys who are prone to drinking and smoking - is a HUGE NONO. PERIOD. So he wants to sleep over at a freinds because it's HIS Spring Break. Well what did he get done on his chore list to BE REWARDED to have a sleepover? Nothing? Did you check the chore list for Thursday? What was he supposed to do? Did he do it? What were the consequences? How is he supposed to know what's expected out of him if it's not in black and white. Had I been talking to a neighbor - and my son came to me, interrupted me, and then made demands - and backsassed me? Sister - the tears would have flowed a lot more - OMG how embarassing. At 14 he knows better - THE RULE SHOULD BE - WHen I am talking to another adult YOU are to be....WHERE? NOT STANDING HERE INTERRUPTING ME - now if you want me to talk to you later I'd suggest you get in the house and go do your CHORES..... And you're upset he hates you. OMG - BY A SHOW OF HANDS - (me putting up a pair or 3 extra from other people) how many of us had lived with a difficult child that said I HATE YOUR GUTS....and told all their friends I HATE MY MOM - ?????? Yeah - I would say - THEN I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. You need to find your Groove Stella - I'm serious - YOu need to rise to that place where when this kid says something to you thats hurtful or ugly and makes you want to cry - YOU =instead grow a hide and say something like "Uh huh....wow - well you won't be doing THAT now." and walk off - like it doesn't bother you. AT ALL. If these kids think that they are getting to us one little bit they OWN us. Like = your saying "I QUIT" and then askign "When is he going to be home." START ACTING LIKE YOU DO NOT CARE. Doesn't mean you don't love him - just means that you have a nare do well complex...... He comes to you next week and says "I need money for lunch" you say "Gosh me too - but I don't hand over my hard earned money to someone who hates me - you're on your own. OH and the little debbies are locked up -" He comes to you at night and says "I need a ride to the library." YOu say "And I need to go check the drain in the shower for hairballs." and get up and leave the room. He stands in the middle of somewhere and throws a tantrum.....YOU? WALK AWAY and say "Wonder who's kid THAT is how immature." THEN - talk about it with your therapist - if you're going to quit - QUIT = scare the hades out of them both. If you and hubby are getting along -= at this point? Do for him. IF son comes to you and says "I needa" Say nothing.....walk away. Or say "I don't speak to people who treat me like carp." and do NOT engage him further in an argument. JUST WALK AWAY. Right now - I hate to be the one to tell you this - but your son is doing a very lame job of divide and conquer. He's got DADDY riding the rail for him and since YOU have been the one to dish out the discipline? He's figured out a way to push you out of the picture and be a wild child. If you don't address this in therapy now and nip it in the bud - you'll be sorry. I say it's a lame job because he's SO obvious with his intentions.....amateur at best.....so this tells ME that there is hope - you just have to KNOW how to level this kids playing field - and bring the game........ SO GET BUSY GIRL AND BRING IT any therapist worth their MOrton salt can tell you how to achieve success with this. ANd if your husband is NOT going to get on board......then maybe you need to reevaluate YOUR Life and how miserable YOU are going to allow YOURSELF to get and what your plans will be a year from now. Hugs STar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
I quit
Top