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I saw a counselor today
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 235914" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am very very glad you had an appointment with a good therapist and you kept it. This will be really important to how you get through all of this. And to how difficult child gets through all of it. I DO know that sick feeling, it certainly isn't any fun. </p><p></p><p>As for whether or not husband showed this stuff to difficult child, he may have. It isn't as uncommon as you might think, esp if the dad thinks the son is "growing up" or is ready to handle the opposite sex. Some dads were introduced to sex and dating this way, and this is how they introduce their sons. (Scarily, my bro has always said that if he had boys he would hire a lady of the night to teach them the mechanics of physical intimacy and how to be "good" at it. I find this appalling, as do my parents and my husband and even Wiz - bro had the NERVE to bring it up to Wiz to try to show me my idea that it is a bad thing is outdated and irrational!). So having the other therapist discuss this with your difficult child is an excellent idea. And if your husband DID show any of this to difficult child then he deserves to face some legal repercussions, in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>As for the things you want to say to husband, get a notebook that will fit in your purse. Write them down as these thought occur to you. That way you don't forget things. I really think it is a very good idea to talk to husband about them. If you and husband are to have any hope of keeping this marriage, you need to make it healthy and functional. Using the therapist as a mediator is one of the best ways to communicate. Even if you end up not keeping the marriage, having the therapist help you communicate at this stage will give you common ground, and an unbiased 3rd party to show what is really going on if things get difficult in court. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry your husband is more invested in being a buddy than a dad to your son. I know this hurts you, just as it hurts difficult child. I am willing to bet that some of difficult child's migraines are due to the tension of having a dad who behavies the way your husband does, and who encourages your difficult child to blame everything on you. Your difficult child is no dummy. He KNOWS that you are not truly to blame for everything your husband blames you for. But it is easier to go along and not fight the tension in the house and deal with the migraine than to handle standing up to your dad and saying "It isn't Mom's fault - maybe it is YOURS or MINE." That is a pretty big burden for a teen.</p><p></p><p>I am still recommending you go to a DV shelter and ask about signs of emotional abuse/psychological abuse - I really think you are a victim of this from your husband, and your difficult child may also be. the DV shelter can give you fact sheets and tips and ideas of what really IS abuse that you have come to learn is "normal" for your household with husband in it. They can give you support of other people who have been there done that, and they can help you break the cycle so that your difficult child does not do this to other people. If you won't explore this for yourself, please explore it to help your difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Know that we are always here with support, no matter what. You are a treasured part of our community and we love you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 235914, member: 1233"] I am very very glad you had an appointment with a good therapist and you kept it. This will be really important to how you get through all of this. And to how difficult child gets through all of it. I DO know that sick feeling, it certainly isn't any fun. As for whether or not husband showed this stuff to difficult child, he may have. It isn't as uncommon as you might think, esp if the dad thinks the son is "growing up" or is ready to handle the opposite sex. Some dads were introduced to sex and dating this way, and this is how they introduce their sons. (Scarily, my bro has always said that if he had boys he would hire a lady of the night to teach them the mechanics of physical intimacy and how to be "good" at it. I find this appalling, as do my parents and my husband and even Wiz - bro had the NERVE to bring it up to Wiz to try to show me my idea that it is a bad thing is outdated and irrational!). So having the other therapist discuss this with your difficult child is an excellent idea. And if your husband DID show any of this to difficult child then he deserves to face some legal repercussions, in my opinion. As for the things you want to say to husband, get a notebook that will fit in your purse. Write them down as these thought occur to you. That way you don't forget things. I really think it is a very good idea to talk to husband about them. If you and husband are to have any hope of keeping this marriage, you need to make it healthy and functional. Using the therapist as a mediator is one of the best ways to communicate. Even if you end up not keeping the marriage, having the therapist help you communicate at this stage will give you common ground, and an unbiased 3rd party to show what is really going on if things get difficult in court. I am sorry your husband is more invested in being a buddy than a dad to your son. I know this hurts you, just as it hurts difficult child. I am willing to bet that some of difficult child's migraines are due to the tension of having a dad who behavies the way your husband does, and who encourages your difficult child to blame everything on you. Your difficult child is no dummy. He KNOWS that you are not truly to blame for everything your husband blames you for. But it is easier to go along and not fight the tension in the house and deal with the migraine than to handle standing up to your dad and saying "It isn't Mom's fault - maybe it is YOURS or MINE." That is a pretty big burden for a teen. I am still recommending you go to a DV shelter and ask about signs of emotional abuse/psychological abuse - I really think you are a victim of this from your husband, and your difficult child may also be. the DV shelter can give you fact sheets and tips and ideas of what really IS abuse that you have come to learn is "normal" for your household with husband in it. They can give you support of other people who have been there done that, and they can help you break the cycle so that your difficult child does not do this to other people. If you won't explore this for yourself, please explore it to help your difficult child. Know that we are always here with support, no matter what. You are a treasured part of our community and we love you. [/QUOTE]
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