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I saw a counselor today
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<blockquote data-quote="Ropefree" data-source="post: 236066" data-attributes="member: 6271"><p>Kjs: "Don't tell" is the red flag of abuse. What on this earth is new and how can we help if we cover up what is so with silence and fiction? Tell YOUR truth. If you are mistaken then you can stand corrected. What is the big deal in that, REALLY?</p><p> The whole point of the theraputic relationship is to have a safe relationship. The reason we have trained professionals who will hold our personal business in confidence is to learn the skills of the wholesome and safe interpersonal relationship.</p><p>And if what they are listening to is neglegent to a child or poses the threat of harm?they report it. How is that "bad"? if you had any other disease in progress in? </p><p> Insults, put downs, and tactics that prevent a person to be heard and to open </p><p>a sane sober discussion about what is are abuses.</p><p> I agree that with the "walking on eggshells" behavior where for you the question is what will happen if I speak my mind honestly is "will I be forgiven? or is it</p><p>'nice'?" is an indicator that first and formost you need to learn to secure your boundaries and to consider what is making these simple areas so murky for you.</p><p> Is the homework being done? That is not a rocket science level mystery. It either is or it is not. </p><p> At my house the use of the computer is 100% contingent on the completion of assigned work AND excellant grades, and chores.</p><p> It is possible that the messages ect have a reasonable explaination. If so these are what you can here. Is your attention to the matter being undermined by your husband? Couples conseling time. </p><p> In the two heads are better than one equation it is the limitations of the male brain that benifit from a thinking full brain using female. When a woman is being mistreated by her husband and that invalidation is modeled for her children it is not </p><p>a single person doing the abuse...it is mutually abusive behavior. He is deminishing you and you are allowing the behavior. </p><p> Maybe the blooming sexuality of the adolscent son is the ignition of this current set of challenges you are facing. It is a sign of health for the teen to be in this stage of life. And as parents you have to work out how you are going to create the appropriate atmosphere for the next years ahead.</p><p> What is the porn policy in your home? Is that what you are worried about? Then get the parental controls in order on the computer. The boy at 14 is not a legal porn </p><p>or sex talk user. Move the computer out of some private area where the veiwing is not under supervision and place the appropriate limits for your family...time and hours per day/week.</p><p> put blocks on the phone for such calls. Turning of the texting fuction will stop the matter immediately. Call the cell carrier and do that and end of story.</p><p> EArning priveldeges is an ongoing thing. If you are all wrong, so what? The matter can be resolved by talking it our and gaining your confidence that the rules in your home are respected. ANd the top of that is that you are respected. If being </p><p>up front and honest is not good enough for safe communication what is?</p><p> How is it "nice" to let your male children learn to intellectually abuse a woman from the father figure? Interrupting your sentences is like having a two year old running the show. </p><p> As a mother you do know how to put the foot down and to command respect.</p><p>If the household is wobbled off course it is your respocibilty to pull in the reins and get the family on track. Human beings are social animals and woman are leaders. We may follow cultural patterns whereby we privately consel with our husbands and they speak as the leader, but it is our unique and natural ability to serve the tending and mending of relationship that is essential to society.</p><p> If you have been allowing abusive treatment and are cowaring from the assertive and power that are yours then step one is to sort these out with a guide outside the system in the family that is abusive. </p><p> Another terrific self help book is THE DANCE OF ANGER where the ways and means to neigotiate the hot topics is discribed. It is a fast read in book form. And for me the contrast between reading it myself and listening to the author on books on tape was a whole other layer of self awareness and learning.</p><p> You can do this change you need. your family will be better for it and you will </p><p>find life is not a long litany of "never forgivings". Somethings can not be forgiven.</p><p>So?</p><p> Here is a saliant point. I do not want someone to feel comfortable abusing me.</p><p>Name the type and I want to be clear I do not want it. So if I am abrupt and unpredictable confronted with some abuse let us be in agreement that that is just fine for me.</p><p> I hope some of this helps you decide the best course of action you choose and to get it done. If it is what works for you, then that is what works.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ropefree, post: 236066, member: 6271"] Kjs: "Don't tell" is the red flag of abuse. What on this earth is new and how can we help if we cover up what is so with silence and fiction? Tell YOUR truth. If you are mistaken then you can stand corrected. What is the big deal in that, REALLY? The whole point of the theraputic relationship is to have a safe relationship. The reason we have trained professionals who will hold our personal business in confidence is to learn the skills of the wholesome and safe interpersonal relationship. And if what they are listening to is neglegent to a child or poses the threat of harm?they report it. How is that "bad"? if you had any other disease in progress in? Insults, put downs, and tactics that prevent a person to be heard and to open a sane sober discussion about what is are abuses. I agree that with the "walking on eggshells" behavior where for you the question is what will happen if I speak my mind honestly is "will I be forgiven? or is it 'nice'?" is an indicator that first and formost you need to learn to secure your boundaries and to consider what is making these simple areas so murky for you. Is the homework being done? That is not a rocket science level mystery. It either is or it is not. At my house the use of the computer is 100% contingent on the completion of assigned work AND excellant grades, and chores. It is possible that the messages ect have a reasonable explaination. If so these are what you can here. Is your attention to the matter being undermined by your husband? Couples conseling time. In the two heads are better than one equation it is the limitations of the male brain that benifit from a thinking full brain using female. When a woman is being mistreated by her husband and that invalidation is modeled for her children it is not a single person doing the abuse...it is mutually abusive behavior. He is deminishing you and you are allowing the behavior. Maybe the blooming sexuality of the adolscent son is the ignition of this current set of challenges you are facing. It is a sign of health for the teen to be in this stage of life. And as parents you have to work out how you are going to create the appropriate atmosphere for the next years ahead. What is the porn policy in your home? Is that what you are worried about? Then get the parental controls in order on the computer. The boy at 14 is not a legal porn or sex talk user. Move the computer out of some private area where the veiwing is not under supervision and place the appropriate limits for your family...time and hours per day/week. put blocks on the phone for such calls. Turning of the texting fuction will stop the matter immediately. Call the cell carrier and do that and end of story. EArning priveldeges is an ongoing thing. If you are all wrong, so what? The matter can be resolved by talking it our and gaining your confidence that the rules in your home are respected. ANd the top of that is that you are respected. If being up front and honest is not good enough for safe communication what is? How is it "nice" to let your male children learn to intellectually abuse a woman from the father figure? Interrupting your sentences is like having a two year old running the show. As a mother you do know how to put the foot down and to command respect. If the household is wobbled off course it is your respocibilty to pull in the reins and get the family on track. Human beings are social animals and woman are leaders. We may follow cultural patterns whereby we privately consel with our husbands and they speak as the leader, but it is our unique and natural ability to serve the tending and mending of relationship that is essential to society. If you have been allowing abusive treatment and are cowaring from the assertive and power that are yours then step one is to sort these out with a guide outside the system in the family that is abusive. Another terrific self help book is THE DANCE OF ANGER where the ways and means to neigotiate the hot topics is discribed. It is a fast read in book form. And for me the contrast between reading it myself and listening to the author on books on tape was a whole other layer of self awareness and learning. You can do this change you need. your family will be better for it and you will find life is not a long litany of "never forgivings". Somethings can not be forgiven. So? Here is a saliant point. I do not want someone to feel comfortable abusing me. Name the type and I want to be clear I do not want it. So if I am abrupt and unpredictable confronted with some abuse let us be in agreement that that is just fine for me. I hope some of this helps you decide the best course of action you choose and to get it done. If it is what works for you, then that is what works. [/QUOTE]
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