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I saw my new therapist today
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 190771" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Heather, </p><p> </p><p>You asked for it - so I'm going to hand it out. </p><p> </p><p>I had (key word here is had) a bad marriage. Not tremendously the same as growing up in a dysfunctional home, but there are some feelings in life that just are what they are because of things we've endured. I lived in a marriage of hell on earth. You lived a child hood of hell on earth. I don't and will not ever return to that lifestyle; from your statement I know you will never live a life like that again either. </p><p> </p><p>With that being said there are similarities in people in general and each and every one of us wants to believe we are unique. Our situations sadly happen every day. So in order to DEFEND the fact that we absolutely and positively, without a single doubt, shred of conjecture -WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN?? We tend to get emotional when we are brought back to that place in time. Obviously one of your triggers is drugs and alcohol. The mere mention of it, sent you into a place in your mind that is mostly and rightly locked up and key thrown away. In modern terms we could just say "don't go there" and it would be left alone. But we NEED to go there to begin to heal. If we let it sit in the storage bin in our head, thinking we've locked it away - it never will. Our body and brain is like a digital camera - the acts can be removed, the digital images will ALWAYS be there - just like a camera. </p><p> </p><p>SO I THINK YOUR REACTION TO THIS IS FANTASTIC. Really - no joke. I'll tell you why - </p><p> </p><p>When I first started seeing our therapist I did it for my son's benefit. I figured I needed to find common ground and EVERYTHING was "him" and if we could just FIX HIM? OHHHHHHHHHHH gosh would WE ALL be BETTER. Yeah - all him, this has NOTHING to do with me. (I laugh at myself now for that thinking) because.....like you I had triggers. (whistles - LOADS & LOADS) </p><p> </p><p>In therapy all it took for me to SHUT DOWN (or react strongly) was to make a sliver of a mention of my x's behaviors. WOW - Would I go off. I wouldn't BE in therapy if it weren't for HIM. My son wouldn't be in therapy if his Dad had to SUFFER any and I mean SUFFER ANY of the stuff WE had to endure. So there I am going on and on and on with this therapist about how he just doesn't KNOW, and how in the world he could even MENTION his name in the same breath with mine. THE AUDACITY!!!!! Like you - I would go off on a tangent. Once I was wound-up - good grief what a load of time I allowed myself to waste in my life for "swallowing" those feelings about how I FELT about my x. I felt if I locked them in a storage unit in my head and never mentioned them- they would eventually go away. But instead I just kept renting him more space in my head and ended up with Uncle Bob's mini-storage of bad memories and traumatized events in my wee brain. Even in real life storage unit junk is sold off. So how do you get the junk out of your head so it's NOT a sore spot? Sorta like HOW you reacted to any mention or questioning about your drug and alcohol use or nonuse sent you into the 101 emotiotions in 5 seconds flat - and I'm sure you have your OWN Uncle Bob's misused mini-storage. We all do - figuring if I don't think about it - it will GO AWAY - and that might have been how our Mothers deal with stuff like that - but we have options to get rid of the junk and be a happier, healthier us. </p><p> </p><p>Did you survive your childhood? Yeah. Anyone reading here did to some degree and moved forward the best we could. But inbetween the lines, and for good /just cause - there is a boatload of hate for your father that I think either you start addressing NOW so you can find a BETTER and more FITTING way to deal with what you had to deal with .......AND.......LEARN from this therapist <strong><u>HOW to put your father out of <span style="color: magenta">your </span>misery for good.</u></strong> (which you have not simply by choosing to forget about him and not ever smoking a joint) </p><p> </p><p>You DID.......COPE. We all have some form of dysfunction in our families, and as children we tend to find a way to cope. If we have poor, lousy, self-absorbed role models (for childhood, for husbands, for mothers) then what do we expect the children to be? So if no one has ever told you that you need to do more than survive what you lived through as a child - I'm sorry. There is a better life for you. It takes a LOT of work, and remembering painful things and it hoovers big big big time - root canals are less pain. Self taught coping skills allow you to survive; learning to not supress your emotions or put your memories into storage and swallow them; but DEAL with them and get rid of them once and for all is so much better for you, your kids - everyone. </p><p> </p><p>You are an overcomer and now - with help from this therapist you can work with him to have less and less buttons to push in your life which gives the control in your life BACK TO YOU. </p><p> </p><p>I didn't have control in my life when I would be ultra sensitive about my x and a dozen or three hundred other things (my driving, my cooking, my body image, my hair, my housekeeping neurotic -and anyone questioned that I myself was there too smoking crack, snorting coke, shooting speedballs, screwing around, smoking dope, heroine, valium, you name it - he was into it - and had taken it in large doses but it was HIM, NOT ME!!!!! I would be infuriated! So imagine my exhaspiration at the ER when they would do the intake and a nurse would sneak and call a security person, or a cop, or when he would beat ME - they called the cops and the doctors did a urine test to test ME for drugs. I too was enraged. OUTRAGED and it made me frustrated, it made me cry, it made me want to pulverize that man into pancakes under the earth. </p><p> </p><p>Now? He doesn't get that much of me. He has lost the control he once had. I am free. He could stand in front of me with his crack and his controling demeanor and I wouldn't cower - but I wouldn't even speak to him either. Before therapy? Kickin' off flip flops to beat him back....and after therapy? He doesn't count, his thoughts are like listening to jibberish, he's pathetic, small, mindless, whiney, a liar, a thief, a woman beater, his wants, needs, musts - are non-existant. </p><p> </p><p>And in therapy I was told at the end of the sessions after <strong>12 years</strong> of intense counseling sometimes 2x a week, after hypno therapy, after EMDR for SEVERE PTSD (which I think you have) and exercises, books, yoga, meditation, tapes, pills, you name it (anything for relaxing) - I finally walked into his office one day and sat down and the therapist that years ago I did not like or care for; chatted...and in the conversation he said the same thing to me the first day he met me....and I blah de da he dah'd over the answer like I was telling you to get me some eggs at the store...and he just smiled. I asked him what he was smiling about and he said - Do you realize years ago when you showed up here - you were so tense, traumatized, and angry when I mentioned the same thing to you I just did you went on a tangent - wishing him deader than dead and spoke of how you were abused and tortured for years.....and I just said the SAME THING to you - and it was as if he didn't count!!!!. </p><p> </p><p>I hadn't even realized it. That was the beauty of it all - I was living a different way. At that moment I realized and even said "Well he doesn't." and it was an epiphany. My soul was lighter, I felt like I floated out of that office.......I was free. </p><p> </p><p>You need to find your free too - So many things you describe about yourself? I was as well, and somethings 10x more intense. So while you think this was a bad thing (perhaps) that you got so defensive - from someone who was the epitome of defensive persons? It's a step in the right direction. Process it with him next time you go. He doesn't know you and unless he gets to know you - he can't help you. I'd give him a few more chances and if you don't like him - (and I didn't like mine to start with either and told him) YOU tell HIM you aren't sure you like him and work on that. </p><p> </p><p>I think this is marvelous Heather, and had I not lived a parallel life and could now sit back and see it I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share it with you. It was not easy, I still have trauma - but I'm not allowing it to control me like it did....I wish the same for you. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 190771, member: 4964"] Heather, You asked for it - so I'm going to hand it out. I had (key word here is had) a bad marriage. Not tremendously the same as growing up in a dysfunctional home, but there are some feelings in life that just are what they are because of things we've endured. I lived in a marriage of hell on earth. You lived a child hood of hell on earth. I don't and will not ever return to that lifestyle; from your statement I know you will never live a life like that again either. With that being said there are similarities in people in general and each and every one of us wants to believe we are unique. Our situations sadly happen every day. So in order to DEFEND the fact that we absolutely and positively, without a single doubt, shred of conjecture -WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN?? We tend to get emotional when we are brought back to that place in time. Obviously one of your triggers is drugs and alcohol. The mere mention of it, sent you into a place in your mind that is mostly and rightly locked up and key thrown away. In modern terms we could just say "don't go there" and it would be left alone. But we NEED to go there to begin to heal. If we let it sit in the storage bin in our head, thinking we've locked it away - it never will. Our body and brain is like a digital camera - the acts can be removed, the digital images will ALWAYS be there - just like a camera. SO I THINK YOUR REACTION TO THIS IS FANTASTIC. Really - no joke. I'll tell you why - When I first started seeing our therapist I did it for my son's benefit. I figured I needed to find common ground and EVERYTHING was "him" and if we could just FIX HIM? OHHHHHHHHHHH gosh would WE ALL be BETTER. Yeah - all him, this has NOTHING to do with me. (I laugh at myself now for that thinking) because.....like you I had triggers. (whistles - LOADS & LOADS) In therapy all it took for me to SHUT DOWN (or react strongly) was to make a sliver of a mention of my x's behaviors. WOW - Would I go off. I wouldn't BE in therapy if it weren't for HIM. My son wouldn't be in therapy if his Dad had to SUFFER any and I mean SUFFER ANY of the stuff WE had to endure. So there I am going on and on and on with this therapist about how he just doesn't KNOW, and how in the world he could even MENTION his name in the same breath with mine. THE AUDACITY!!!!! Like you - I would go off on a tangent. Once I was wound-up - good grief what a load of time I allowed myself to waste in my life for "swallowing" those feelings about how I FELT about my x. I felt if I locked them in a storage unit in my head and never mentioned them- they would eventually go away. But instead I just kept renting him more space in my head and ended up with Uncle Bob's mini-storage of bad memories and traumatized events in my wee brain. Even in real life storage unit junk is sold off. So how do you get the junk out of your head so it's NOT a sore spot? Sorta like HOW you reacted to any mention or questioning about your drug and alcohol use or nonuse sent you into the 101 emotiotions in 5 seconds flat - and I'm sure you have your OWN Uncle Bob's misused mini-storage. We all do - figuring if I don't think about it - it will GO AWAY - and that might have been how our Mothers deal with stuff like that - but we have options to get rid of the junk and be a happier, healthier us. Did you survive your childhood? Yeah. Anyone reading here did to some degree and moved forward the best we could. But inbetween the lines, and for good /just cause - there is a boatload of hate for your father that I think either you start addressing NOW so you can find a BETTER and more FITTING way to deal with what you had to deal with .......AND.......LEARN from this therapist [B][U]HOW to put your father out of [COLOR=magenta]your [/COLOR]misery for good.[/U][/B] (which you have not simply by choosing to forget about him and not ever smoking a joint) You DID.......COPE. We all have some form of dysfunction in our families, and as children we tend to find a way to cope. If we have poor, lousy, self-absorbed role models (for childhood, for husbands, for mothers) then what do we expect the children to be? So if no one has ever told you that you need to do more than survive what you lived through as a child - I'm sorry. There is a better life for you. It takes a LOT of work, and remembering painful things and it hoovers big big big time - root canals are less pain. Self taught coping skills allow you to survive; learning to not supress your emotions or put your memories into storage and swallow them; but DEAL with them and get rid of them once and for all is so much better for you, your kids - everyone. You are an overcomer and now - with help from this therapist you can work with him to have less and less buttons to push in your life which gives the control in your life BACK TO YOU. I didn't have control in my life when I would be ultra sensitive about my x and a dozen or three hundred other things (my driving, my cooking, my body image, my hair, my housekeeping neurotic -and anyone questioned that I myself was there too smoking crack, snorting coke, shooting speedballs, screwing around, smoking dope, heroine, valium, you name it - he was into it - and had taken it in large doses but it was HIM, NOT ME!!!!! I would be infuriated! So imagine my exhaspiration at the ER when they would do the intake and a nurse would sneak and call a security person, or a cop, or when he would beat ME - they called the cops and the doctors did a urine test to test ME for drugs. I too was enraged. OUTRAGED and it made me frustrated, it made me cry, it made me want to pulverize that man into pancakes under the earth. Now? He doesn't get that much of me. He has lost the control he once had. I am free. He could stand in front of me with his crack and his controling demeanor and I wouldn't cower - but I wouldn't even speak to him either. Before therapy? Kickin' off flip flops to beat him back....and after therapy? He doesn't count, his thoughts are like listening to jibberish, he's pathetic, small, mindless, whiney, a liar, a thief, a woman beater, his wants, needs, musts - are non-existant. And in therapy I was told at the end of the sessions after [B]12 years[/B] of intense counseling sometimes 2x a week, after hypno therapy, after EMDR for SEVERE PTSD (which I think you have) and exercises, books, yoga, meditation, tapes, pills, you name it (anything for relaxing) - I finally walked into his office one day and sat down and the therapist that years ago I did not like or care for; chatted...and in the conversation he said the same thing to me the first day he met me....and I blah de da he dah'd over the answer like I was telling you to get me some eggs at the store...and he just smiled. I asked him what he was smiling about and he said - Do you realize years ago when you showed up here - you were so tense, traumatized, and angry when I mentioned the same thing to you I just did you went on a tangent - wishing him deader than dead and spoke of how you were abused and tortured for years.....and I just said the SAME THING to you - and it was as if he didn't count!!!!. I hadn't even realized it. That was the beauty of it all - I was living a different way. At that moment I realized and even said "Well he doesn't." and it was an epiphany. My soul was lighter, I felt like I floated out of that office.......I was free. You need to find your free too - So many things you describe about yourself? I was as well, and somethings 10x more intense. So while you think this was a bad thing (perhaps) that you got so defensive - from someone who was the epitome of defensive persons? It's a step in the right direction. Process it with him next time you go. He doesn't know you and unless he gets to know you - he can't help you. I'd give him a few more chances and if you don't like him - (and I didn't like mine to start with either and told him) YOU tell HIM you aren't sure you like him and work on that. I think this is marvelous Heather, and had I not lived a parallel life and could now sit back and see it I wouldn't have opened my mouth to share it with you. It was not easy, I still have trauma - but I'm not allowing it to control me like it did....I wish the same for you. Hugs Star:happy: [/QUOTE]
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