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I spent the morning in tears...
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<blockquote data-quote="Hopeful97" data-source="post: 677947" data-attributes="member: 19678"><p>Walrus,</p><p></p><p>So very sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>I am by no means telling you what to do. My d c (son #2) is 18 and was no longer allowed to live in our home beginning on his 18th birthday which was Sept 2015. There is much more to the incredibly heartbreaking story/journey. My son was living with a family for a while I talked to the mom basically only told her there were problems and he no longer lives with us and left it at that. He is now with a different family they have not attempted to make contact if they do I will tell them " there were problems and he no longer lives with us" if they ask for more info., I will tell them "I am sorry, all I can say to you is there were problems and my son has not lived with us since September of 2015 if you have more questions please speak to my son" This may sound kind of harsh/uncaring but our Difficult Child s are adults and have taken and taken so much we need to take care of us and let them do what they choose and live how they choose. I will always care as will you. We cannot help them when they clearly do not want help.</p><p></p><p>My Difficult Child has mental illnesses knows that treatment helps from his own experience and from growing up with a mother that has a mental illness and is in recovery and has been for a while.</p><p></p><p> One thing I have a hard time with and/or understanding is the violence associated with my d c and it is probably as bad as we have known it to be (part of it one of his mental diagnosises and part of it I do not know). I am at a loss. We learned some things this weekend that are very scary that I will be talking about another time.</p><p></p><p>Your therapist I believe is right, the parents are one bridge that never burns. But I believe can be fireproof, we can set boundaries and yes they can be flexible but there are some areas within the boundaires that are not flexible; for example, if anything is going to put us or anyone else in any kind of danger it must be avoided and one thing I am learning to ask myself is, is it really my business. If d c asks for opinion/advice is usually (shooting for 100%, realisticly I am a mom so 100% will never happen, it may in some situations that come along with Difficult Child, but not all). I have learned very short answers like: No I cannot do (fill in the blank) no reason needs to be given, I can not help you with that, I do not know what I would do. If there is any hint of blaming, cursing, etc I hang up or if I no longer want to talk it's "I can no longer talk, I love you." and I immediately hang up. </p><p></p><p>I hope that you are able to take something useful from all my rambling. Keep posting it helps keep you strong, let's you vent in a safe place and offers much needed support from others going through the same or similar journeys</p><p></p><p> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/staystrong.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":staystrong:" title="staystrong :staystrong:" data-shortname=":staystrong:" /><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/group-hug.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":group-hug:" title="group hug :group-hug:" data-shortname=":group-hug:" /> HUGE HUGS,</p><p>Hopeful</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hopeful97, post: 677947, member: 19678"] Walrus, So very sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you. :hugs: I am by no means telling you what to do. My d c (son #2) is 18 and was no longer allowed to live in our home beginning on his 18th birthday which was Sept 2015. There is much more to the incredibly heartbreaking story/journey. My son was living with a family for a while I talked to the mom basically only told her there were problems and he no longer lives with us and left it at that. He is now with a different family they have not attempted to make contact if they do I will tell them " there were problems and he no longer lives with us" if they ask for more info., I will tell them "I am sorry, all I can say to you is there were problems and my son has not lived with us since September of 2015 if you have more questions please speak to my son" This may sound kind of harsh/uncaring but our Difficult Child s are adults and have taken and taken so much we need to take care of us and let them do what they choose and live how they choose. I will always care as will you. We cannot help them when they clearly do not want help. My Difficult Child has mental illnesses knows that treatment helps from his own experience and from growing up with a mother that has a mental illness and is in recovery and has been for a while. One thing I have a hard time with and/or understanding is the violence associated with my d c and it is probably as bad as we have known it to be (part of it one of his mental diagnosises and part of it I do not know). I am at a loss. We learned some things this weekend that are very scary that I will be talking about another time. Your therapist I believe is right, the parents are one bridge that never burns. But I believe can be fireproof, we can set boundaries and yes they can be flexible but there are some areas within the boundaires that are not flexible; for example, if anything is going to put us or anyone else in any kind of danger it must be avoided and one thing I am learning to ask myself is, is it really my business. If d c asks for opinion/advice is usually (shooting for 100%, realisticly I am a mom so 100% will never happen, it may in some situations that come along with Difficult Child, but not all). I have learned very short answers like: No I cannot do (fill in the blank) no reason needs to be given, I can not help you with that, I do not know what I would do. If there is any hint of blaming, cursing, etc I hang up or if I no longer want to talk it's "I can no longer talk, I love you." and I immediately hang up. I hope that you are able to take something useful from all my rambling. Keep posting it helps keep you strong, let's you vent in a safe place and offers much needed support from others going through the same or similar journeys :staystrong::notalone: :group-hug: HUGE HUGS, Hopeful [/QUOTE]
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