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I survived my first single holiday
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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 100533" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>You did good, Karen! You got through your first holiday, and it will get easier and easier as you go. One thing that helped me a lot was getting over the idea that "before" we had been some kind of picture perfect Norman Rockwell-type family sitting around the flickering fire with big grins on our faces - we were NEVER that! The holidays change anyway as your children grow to adulthood - they get jobs, they sometimes move away - nothing ever stays the same. Over the years I've learned to be very flexible about holidays and take them as they come. We've spent Thanksgivings and Christmases here with just my son and I, calling long-distance to everyone that matters - it's very nice and peaceful. We've spent holidays at my brothers house in Florida and at my daughters' house in S. Carolina. We've had Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners at midnight to accomodate "kids' who had to work on the holidays. I've spent Christmas day at Sea World and last Christmas Eve we were exploring the Battery in Charleston! It's all good.</p><p> :xmasdancers:</p><p>So much of what your soon-to-be-ex is doing sounds very familiar to me! Mine did the exact same thing about the phone calls and visits. When the ex still lived here, he would complain pitifully that our son never called HIM or never came to see HIM! Well, that road runs both ways, buddy! With him, it was a big EGO thing. Kind of hard to explain, but I always thought it made him feel like a big shot when he insisted that our son instigate the phone calls or visits, like he wanted our son to have to come to him, not the other way around ... like son was more anxious to see him then he was to see his son, if that makes any sense. He thought it gave him the upper hand in the relationship. As a result, our son NEVER calls him now (ex has moved out of state). His dad maybe calls him twice a year, sometimes on his birthday, sometimes at Christmas, sometimes not at all.</p><p></p><p>But it speaks volumes that both my kids, now grown, think of "home" as where ever <em>I</em> am! It would never even occur to them to spend a holiday with their father, nor would they want to! He's now out of the loop. When they think of "family", they think of ME. HE voluntarily left the family - I did not. Even before the divorce, I was the one who made the holidays happen anyway - he did not. All those years he was no more than an observer. And now he has become just a voice on the other end of the phone a few times a year, while the kids and I are still a "family". We "reap what we sow" and he has no one to blame but himself. And I'll bet anything that this is what will happen with your family too! We're going down the same path, ten years apart!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 100533, member: 1883"] You did good, Karen! You got through your first holiday, and it will get easier and easier as you go. One thing that helped me a lot was getting over the idea that "before" we had been some kind of picture perfect Norman Rockwell-type family sitting around the flickering fire with big grins on our faces - we were NEVER that! The holidays change anyway as your children grow to adulthood - they get jobs, they sometimes move away - nothing ever stays the same. Over the years I've learned to be very flexible about holidays and take them as they come. We've spent Thanksgivings and Christmases here with just my son and I, calling long-distance to everyone that matters - it's very nice and peaceful. We've spent holidays at my brothers house in Florida and at my daughters' house in S. Carolina. We've had Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners at midnight to accomodate "kids' who had to work on the holidays. I've spent Christmas day at Sea World and last Christmas Eve we were exploring the Battery in Charleston! It's all good. [img]:xmasdancers:[/img] So much of what your soon-to-be-ex is doing sounds very familiar to me! Mine did the exact same thing about the phone calls and visits. When the ex still lived here, he would complain pitifully that our son never called HIM or never came to see HIM! Well, that road runs both ways, buddy! With him, it was a big EGO thing. Kind of hard to explain, but I always thought it made him feel like a big shot when he insisted that our son instigate the phone calls or visits, like he wanted our son to have to come to him, not the other way around ... like son was more anxious to see him then he was to see his son, if that makes any sense. He thought it gave him the upper hand in the relationship. As a result, our son NEVER calls him now (ex has moved out of state). His dad maybe calls him twice a year, sometimes on his birthday, sometimes at Christmas, sometimes not at all. But it speaks volumes that both my kids, now grown, think of "home" as where ever [i]I[/i] am! It would never even occur to them to spend a holiday with their father, nor would they want to! He's now out of the loop. When they think of "family", they think of ME. HE voluntarily left the family - I did not. Even before the divorce, I was the one who made the holidays happen anyway - he did not. All those years he was no more than an observer. And now he has become just a voice on the other end of the phone a few times a year, while the kids and I are still a "family". We "reap what we sow" and he has no one to blame but himself. And I'll bet anything that this is what will happen with your family too! We're going down the same path, ten years apart! [/QUOTE]
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