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I think I have made a big mistake - long
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 410001" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>This.....is a most curious thing. Your last most not even a day ago (and only my observation) is asking for help about fighting the demons of your past. Okay very good. So before we (you and I or anyone else) can even absorb that? YOU are up and running on working on creating NEW problems that don't even EXIST. </p><p> </p><p>S.T.O.P. ! STOP! STOP!!!! WOAH!!!! HOLD YOUR HORSES. HALT! WOW! </p><p> </p><p>Okay let's break this down a little more because there are some very real problems here, that ARE problems but if you would ALLOW yourself time - and you do not, and you would ALLOW yourself a moment to grieve, which for some reason you don't (you STUFF and STORE in my humble opinion) and IF you would ALLOW yourself to deal with ONE thing at a time - EVEN IF it seems like everything is attacking at ONCE? (and you do that by SERENITY) -accepting the things you can change, and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and STOP - thinking that you aren't smart enough to know the difference - BECAUSE YOU ARE! I know you are. </p><p> </p><p>Steely - a LOT of bad things have happened to you. A LOT. A LOT. A LOT. Now there might be some people in this world that would look at your life, and your history, and sit back and say "You poor, poor, woman, I have never in my life met a person with such a tragic story ever, and I have no idea how you have survived to tell about it. I've never met someone who was so self-defeating." Not to be cliche - but how does that make you feel if someone were to say that to you? Be honest? Would it make you feel slightly weak; like you would want to sit down and have someone hold you so you could cry for about a week? Take you into their arms, into their house and just take care of you until you felt well rested, recharged and able to face the world again? Would the thought of someone asking you how you managed to surive such horrors and live to tell the story all these years of such a tragic life offend you and make you angry and make you want to hide away from the world and become a hermit, an introvert and just continue to be withdrawn from life? Or would it make you sit there and think - MY LIFE? The worst you've ever heard about? You've got to be kidding? Me? Why there is a world of people out there who are so far worse than me - with unspeakable horrors and yet when you felt pity for someone you thought of me and my life as the worst? Oh my word! My God I need help, and I need it now. If I am indeed the worst or even one of the worst you have ever heard of? I need help. I don't want to be anyone's 'worst' - WHO would EVER want to be that?" </p><p> </p><p>Which one do you think you would be? I know which ones I didn't want to be...the first two. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to take pity on me, or necessarily make things all better for me. I also know that in this world there are things that I simply can't control. You have to be able to be brave enough despite whatever chaos is going on in your life, whatever the whole mean world is going to throw at you and as it comes at you day by day - deal with your past, and deal with what is coming too. You can't shelf it for a rainy day, you can't NOT deal with it all the time until you're ready or save all the bad things in a way so that you can throw them out there and hope that the world will say "Oh look she's got all these things she's dealing with - we'll have to leave her alone right now." It would be nice - but the hard fact of it is - no one cares. Not really. And why you ask? Because while you're running around (or I'm running around) dealing with my problems - so is the rest of the world dealing with theirs - and your problems come first to you, my problems come first to me, your Moms problems come first to her, and so on. </p><p> </p><p>It's a hard lesson to learn and it just smacks of reality and it's not to say that no one cares, but while you're sitting there asking - WHY doesn't anyone care about ME? The rest of the world is sighing and asking WHY don't you care about YOU? And really? When was the last time that you did? And you say "Oh but Star I do....." and I say - "Well then Steely - if you do, then why did you just right from a post about trying to deal with past memories and forgiveness and problems, to creating new ones for yourself?" See? I'm not being mean, I'm not being snippy or snarky - But I see you - creating problems where there are none - and I'm saying STOP. This is a thing you do, and perhaps you don't realize that this is infact a way that you (shrugs) deflect.....if talking about the past got uncomfortable and I'm sure it did or maybe could have (I dunno..shrugs again) you stopped and created a new thing? Or maybe you thought okay that was done and moving on? Honey - you can't fix stuff that quick - we're not qualified like that to help - we're just friends who support based on our own life experiences. </p><p></p><p>We come forward and tell you things from our hearts, and maybe there is something we say that clicks - or encourages you, nudges you in the right direction for more assistance. I don't know if we're right or wrong. There's no blaming or finger pointing here for whatever heartfelt advice we offer, because we're just doing what we do out of love or concern. Not out of factual, professional knowledge. I can't fix your heart or your mind. I wish so badly I could, but I can't. I know you are troubled, I've known that for a long time. I know you hurt, I know you hurt deeply over your sister, your Father, but love - those aren't things you can fix - those are things you can learn how to live without in this life. I know you hurt over Matt and your past and you would give anything to fix that...these are things that will never change, but are going to affect your life and his life forever. Forever is a long time - is this something that you really want to just let hang or continue working on with a qualified therapist and resolve the best way you can? It won't ever be perfect, it won't ever be fixed, Matt won't ever be perfect or fixed - but what you can do is learn to live with the best you can do, give him skills to continue to do his best and the best possible way that will be accomplished is allowing him to continue to grow up and become his own man. With regards to your job and moving? How on EARTH do you know that wherever you move there isn't going to be 10 friends of the best sort to replace the last ones you moved away from, better opportunities for advancement - better home, better opportunites, better everything? You got a crystal ball we don't know about? And as far as your friends? Honey - let me tell you one thing I know about people/friends/BEST friends - I am 46 years old. I have waited an ENTIRE lifetime to have these so-called best friends. Yup - I'm the one that always stuck it out there -did all the favors, never asked for anything in return and it's a good thing too cause I never got anything - UNTIL this board. And the best friends I have ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE - I've met here. Most I've never met. ALMOST ALL? I've never even talked to. I have - no one. I rely on ---MYSELF. I'm reliable. I don't look forward to moving - but it's a fact that it's going to happen. </p><p> </p><p>So I ask you again - Steely of the CD board - Which woman are you? No need to answer back - you just ask yourself and answer yourself because really that answer is only for you - and if you answer the way I think you will, you'll get out of this rutt you are in, of 'let me save up all my bad days and throw them out there so "I" will notice my piteous self' and get on with life. I do NOT believe you do it for anyone ELSE to notice, no maam - I think you self-sabotage, and up till now? I don't think even you knew you did it to yourself. But now you know and now you can stop. </p><p> </p><p>I've never met anyone who could benefit from the serenity prayer MORE than you dear - so here it is....</p><p> </p><p>God Grant me the Serenity</p><p>To accept the things I cannot change</p><p>The courage to change things I can</p><p>And the wisdom to know the difference</p><p>Amen </p><p> </p><p>Each time a problem feels like it's going to 'store' itself - ask yourself - which category above it fits in - and work it out best you can. </p><p> </p><p>You're not going down in flames here Steely - Be a Phoenix! </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 410001, member: 4964"] This.....is a most curious thing. Your last most not even a day ago (and only my observation) is asking for help about fighting the demons of your past. Okay very good. So before we (you and I or anyone else) can even absorb that? YOU are up and running on working on creating NEW problems that don't even EXIST. S.T.O.P. ! STOP! STOP!!!! WOAH!!!! HOLD YOUR HORSES. HALT! WOW! Okay let's break this down a little more because there are some very real problems here, that ARE problems but if you would ALLOW yourself time - and you do not, and you would ALLOW yourself a moment to grieve, which for some reason you don't (you STUFF and STORE in my humble opinion) and IF you would ALLOW yourself to deal with ONE thing at a time - EVEN IF it seems like everything is attacking at ONCE? (and you do that by SERENITY) -accepting the things you can change, and courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and STOP - thinking that you aren't smart enough to know the difference - BECAUSE YOU ARE! I know you are. Steely - a LOT of bad things have happened to you. A LOT. A LOT. A LOT. Now there might be some people in this world that would look at your life, and your history, and sit back and say "You poor, poor, woman, I have never in my life met a person with such a tragic story ever, and I have no idea how you have survived to tell about it. I've never met someone who was so self-defeating." Not to be cliche - but how does that make you feel if someone were to say that to you? Be honest? Would it make you feel slightly weak; like you would want to sit down and have someone hold you so you could cry for about a week? Take you into their arms, into their house and just take care of you until you felt well rested, recharged and able to face the world again? Would the thought of someone asking you how you managed to surive such horrors and live to tell the story all these years of such a tragic life offend you and make you angry and make you want to hide away from the world and become a hermit, an introvert and just continue to be withdrawn from life? Or would it make you sit there and think - MY LIFE? The worst you've ever heard about? You've got to be kidding? Me? Why there is a world of people out there who are so far worse than me - with unspeakable horrors and yet when you felt pity for someone you thought of me and my life as the worst? Oh my word! My God I need help, and I need it now. If I am indeed the worst or even one of the worst you have ever heard of? I need help. I don't want to be anyone's 'worst' - WHO would EVER want to be that?" Which one do you think you would be? I know which ones I didn't want to be...the first two. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I didn't want anyone to take pity on me, or necessarily make things all better for me. I also know that in this world there are things that I simply can't control. You have to be able to be brave enough despite whatever chaos is going on in your life, whatever the whole mean world is going to throw at you and as it comes at you day by day - deal with your past, and deal with what is coming too. You can't shelf it for a rainy day, you can't NOT deal with it all the time until you're ready or save all the bad things in a way so that you can throw them out there and hope that the world will say "Oh look she's got all these things she's dealing with - we'll have to leave her alone right now." It would be nice - but the hard fact of it is - no one cares. Not really. And why you ask? Because while you're running around (or I'm running around) dealing with my problems - so is the rest of the world dealing with theirs - and your problems come first to you, my problems come first to me, your Moms problems come first to her, and so on. It's a hard lesson to learn and it just smacks of reality and it's not to say that no one cares, but while you're sitting there asking - WHY doesn't anyone care about ME? The rest of the world is sighing and asking WHY don't you care about YOU? And really? When was the last time that you did? And you say "Oh but Star I do....." and I say - "Well then Steely - if you do, then why did you just right from a post about trying to deal with past memories and forgiveness and problems, to creating new ones for yourself?" See? I'm not being mean, I'm not being snippy or snarky - But I see you - creating problems where there are none - and I'm saying STOP. This is a thing you do, and perhaps you don't realize that this is infact a way that you (shrugs) deflect.....if talking about the past got uncomfortable and I'm sure it did or maybe could have (I dunno..shrugs again) you stopped and created a new thing? Or maybe you thought okay that was done and moving on? Honey - you can't fix stuff that quick - we're not qualified like that to help - we're just friends who support based on our own life experiences. We come forward and tell you things from our hearts, and maybe there is something we say that clicks - or encourages you, nudges you in the right direction for more assistance. I don't know if we're right or wrong. There's no blaming or finger pointing here for whatever heartfelt advice we offer, because we're just doing what we do out of love or concern. Not out of factual, professional knowledge. I can't fix your heart or your mind. I wish so badly I could, but I can't. I know you are troubled, I've known that for a long time. I know you hurt, I know you hurt deeply over your sister, your Father, but love - those aren't things you can fix - those are things you can learn how to live without in this life. I know you hurt over Matt and your past and you would give anything to fix that...these are things that will never change, but are going to affect your life and his life forever. Forever is a long time - is this something that you really want to just let hang or continue working on with a qualified therapist and resolve the best way you can? It won't ever be perfect, it won't ever be fixed, Matt won't ever be perfect or fixed - but what you can do is learn to live with the best you can do, give him skills to continue to do his best and the best possible way that will be accomplished is allowing him to continue to grow up and become his own man. With regards to your job and moving? How on EARTH do you know that wherever you move there isn't going to be 10 friends of the best sort to replace the last ones you moved away from, better opportunities for advancement - better home, better opportunites, better everything? You got a crystal ball we don't know about? And as far as your friends? Honey - let me tell you one thing I know about people/friends/BEST friends - I am 46 years old. I have waited an ENTIRE lifetime to have these so-called best friends. Yup - I'm the one that always stuck it out there -did all the favors, never asked for anything in return and it's a good thing too cause I never got anything - UNTIL this board. And the best friends I have ever had in my ENTIRE LIFE - I've met here. Most I've never met. ALMOST ALL? I've never even talked to. I have - no one. I rely on ---MYSELF. I'm reliable. I don't look forward to moving - but it's a fact that it's going to happen. So I ask you again - Steely of the CD board - Which woman are you? No need to answer back - you just ask yourself and answer yourself because really that answer is only for you - and if you answer the way I think you will, you'll get out of this rutt you are in, of 'let me save up all my bad days and throw them out there so "I" will notice my piteous self' and get on with life. I do NOT believe you do it for anyone ELSE to notice, no maam - I think you self-sabotage, and up till now? I don't think even you knew you did it to yourself. But now you know and now you can stop. I've never met anyone who could benefit from the serenity prayer MORE than you dear - so here it is.... God Grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change things I can And the wisdom to know the difference Amen Each time a problem feels like it's going to 'store' itself - ask yourself - which category above it fits in - and work it out best you can. You're not going down in flames here Steely - Be a Phoenix! Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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