I Think I Just Flunked Detachment 101

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 2, 2010.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nichole called me a bit ago and told me not to tell exbf where she is living. I asked her why I would do that? It was sort of a jumbled mess, but evidently they got into an argument when she went to pick up Aubrey for the day (I'm assuming she brought Jerk Man along) Then she told me that exbf told her she couldn't take Aubrey to bff's husband's house. And that he was going to file for custody. She took Aubrey anyway. But she is livid over the custody thing. Saying that he was a horrid Dad and that he wasn't in Aubrey's life the first 3 yrs.

    That did it. :mad:

    I told her to hold on. Exbf saw that child 7 days a week for the past 5 yrs and she knew it, who the heck did she think she was claiming he hasn't been in her life?? Oh, but Mom I FORCED him to do it!! Uh, sorry no. I said funny, but I don't seem to recall you having a problem with how much time exbf spent with the child until just this very moment.

    She said she's not taking Aubrey home. That caused me to snap.

    I told her she needed to start using her brain. Aubrey has no business being in that house. Why not Mom? She's safe here........I said Nichole, that child has had her world turned upside down, first she has her family, then she doesn't, Mommy is gone, she's moved in with grandparents, and Mommy now wants her to live with this strange man.......What in hades girl are you thinking??

    Of course she hung up on me because my dear difficult child can not handle the truth.

    Knowing she wasn't about to answer the phone, I chose her method to have my say. I PMed her via fb.

    She made the mistake of telling me a few days ago one of the reasons she likes exbff's husband so much is because he tells her like it is whether she wants to her it or not. Alrighty then.

    I let her have it straight up, pulling no punches.

    I told her it was one thing for her to make decisions and do things that mess up her own life but when she brings children into the mess she's crossed the line. I pointed out to her in detail every moral in her own code that she has broken in the past couple of weeks, including walking out on her own child. I pointed out exactly how she is hurting people she claims to love and care about.

    And I followed it with I no more believe she is in love/lust with Jerk Man than the man on the moon. Because when someone really feels like that for another person they don't hide, lie, lash out at those around them.

    Told her she thinks she's an adult and can make her own decision, then she needs to grow up and face the fact that what she says and does affects the people she loves. And that adults think with their brain, not simply react with pure emotion.

    I told her what needed to be said, all of it. I held nothing back. Surprisingly the bulk of it had much more to do with her behavior than anything to do with exbff's husband.

    Now I'm out of it. I said my piece and she can either face up to the truth or she can play victim. Her choice. I gave her plenty to think about. And I told her my door would always be open. Whatever happens now happens.

    I really hope she doesn't push this issue of custody. Because I won't be siding with my child. Exbf is not perfect, but his home is safe and without abuse. I'll be d*mned if I'll sit on my hands and let her move Aubrey into an abusive home. Nichole can be self destructive as much as she wants, she has no right to drag that baby into it.:mad:

    So I've flunked detachment. Oh, well. Someone had to tell her like it REALLY is and no one else was stepping up to the plate. I did what I had to do in order to live with myself. Hopefully now I really can start detaching.:(
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    You didn't flunk. I think sometimes, for our own sanity, we have to speak our piece. It probably falls on deaf ears 99% of the time, but ... who knows, maybe this will be the 1% time when she listens (I know, uncharacteristically optimistic of me, LOL, but... you never know).

    She needs a reality check. Aubrey *has* to be her priority. It's not negotiable. She walked out on her kid. It boggles the mind.

    Don't beat yourself up, Lisa. You've said what needs to be said - she needed to hear it.

    Hang in there!
  3. missy44

    missy44 New Member

    I agree, sometimes it helps to just "let it all out". With the amount of abuse that we put up with, difficult child's can handle a mouthful!

    You're doing a great job in spite of this situation.

  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No, I don't think you flunked. You're doing your best to keep Aubrey safe. I also think Nichole needs to hear the truth, whether she wants to or not. And you definitely needed to tell her exactly how her behavior was affecting others.
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I don't think you flunked either. You said what she needed to hear, whether she liked it or not. Hopefully it will give her something to think about and just maybe you got through to her a little. And what did she expect! She suddenly breaks off a long-term relationship with the father of her child, takes up with someone that she knows is strictly bad news, and on top of it all, she abandons her child! Certainly she has to know that you wouldn't be OK with that! What did she think you would say? You really have very little control over what she does at this point, but I think too that your obligation right now is to assure the safety and well being of the little one and you are doing that. Hang in there. You're doing great so far. I'm just so sorry that you have so much B.S. to contend with.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, it most certainly fell on deaf ears. Her reply was swift and vicious, meant to hurt.

    Did you know that I evidently am a horrible parent because I was never there for her?

    Did you know that I have no knowledge of who she really is because I've spend the past 10 yrs on the computer? Gee, I guess mother's aren't allowed to relax and that evidently I missed the fact that she expected me to be up her fanny 24/7.

    Did you know that I'm an evil person because she is mentally ill and I allowed her to parent Aubrey and stay home from hs to get her education online? (excuse me? this is the same kid who was furious because she wasn't mentally ill and I was trying to commit her what just a few days ago??)

    She claims to have attempted suicide once while pregnant with Aubrey and twice since. And I didn't have a clue. (yeah, that was one of the reasons she was admitted to psychiatric hospital duh) Sorry. Didn't even tweak a heartstring there.

    She claims all this absolutely horrid stuff happened to her all through her childhood and that I just don't have a clue. Maybe, but I spent the vast majority of that childhood with her 24/7 until her teen years......And it's not like she hasn't been asked to tell me what was so D*mned horrible. Sorry kiddo, can't help you if you don't tell me what the problem is. Having just a wee bit of trouble drumming up the sympathy as it's wearing thin. If it were really that bad and you thought I was to blame, you'd have told me what it is by now. Not buying into it.

    She walked away from her child because she just can't be a mother to her right now and thought it was the best thing for her. Ah....hold on, she just said this morning she was moving Aubrey in and not letting exbf have full custody. But she can't be a mother right now???

    And of course she wants us out of her life again. Yet not just a few mins ago she replied to one of easy child's fb post as if nothing took place today.

    Let's break out the violins folks, Nichole's throwing one hellova pity party! Oh, brother!

    I was mad when I read her response the first time. But my Mom asked me to read it to her over the phone........and while I read it the 2nd time I realized she's playing full blown victim. That has never worked with me. It's not about to happen now.

    I don't know where her head is, and frankly I've reached the point where I no longer care. She'll work it out or not. She'll have a relationship with us or not. But this out right abuse of us is not going to be tolerated. I delt with this same garbage day in and day out with my own mother. I refuse to relive those days with my own child.

    Drew just let me know Aubrey is home and safely sleeping in her bed. So maybe something I said reached her after all, who the heck knows.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I think Jerk Man is afraid of you and probably had some input into Nichole taking Aubrey back to exbf.

    It's time Nichole put on her big girl panties. The victim thing doesn't fly with me at all, either.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Lisa, for me detachment doesn't mean I can't express my opinion---I see it as a mean to allow my children to make their own choices and live with the consequences without me running to their rescue. It doesn't mean I can't tell them when they are making a mistake---even when they don't ask for my opinion. And you had every right to tell Nicole that you will not support her decision to place her daughter in a situation, which is at the worst abusive, and at best not in the child's best interest. It is so hard to parent an "adult" child---especially one who is not behaving in an adult manner. She has made some really poor choices---and I know you must be worried sick---but, in the end, you can't make or change Nicole's choices, you can only protect Aubrey from having consequences for her mom's childish and immature choices.
  9. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    'Hound dog" - you kept silent WAY longer than I would have. So I certainly don't see you as a failure in the detachment process.

    Take all the history of bff H out of this. Your daughter abandoned her daughter and moved into another man's house. THAT is the main issue here, all the rest is peripheral (contributing, but still peripheral). Take any supposed history of what you did or didn't do as a parent (and I don't belive her rantings for a second) out of it. Your daughter abandoned her daughter and move into another man's house. Take whatever her boyfriend's lack of relationship or parenting skills out of it. Your daughter abandoned her daugher and moved into another mans' house. And boyfriend continued to be a parent.

    That is the real issue.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think sometimes we all reach a point where we the "smile and nod" approach goes out the window, and the floodgates open up. Nichole tripped over that wire to open those up, and you let her have it. I completely understand why you blew .. I've done my share over the years. Sadly, her response is also one I've heard .. oh not the words and the circumstances.. but the immediate projection of her issues onto YOU and the twisted logic. That kind of difficult child logic that, if heard by someone who didn't know her, might almost sound reasonable.. because of course she's rationalized it all out in her own head. It's maddening, I know.

    Bottom line is, Aubrey is safe, WHEW. I hope that the custody talk was just that, talk.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    So very true skeeter. I realized that in all honesty, besides the world class ick factor and the innocent kids involved, bff's husband is only a side issue. When I confronted Nichole, I pointed out exactly what she's been doing for the past couple of weeks. I would feel the same way if it were another man. That she chose bff's husband only made it worse, it isn't the source. I think she chose him because he was convenient. If he wasn't there she'd have chosen someone else, slim chance she'd have come home. Somewhere along the way she has decided to blame me for everything that is wrong in her life. Old news. Her therapist and psychiatrist never bought it (something that always ticked her off) and believed it was a manipulation tactic. I just don't get why she always tries to use it when it doesn't work.

    Initially her response made me angry. But then I was pretty darn furious to begin with. It didn't hurt because none of it is true and I know it. Reading through it again this morning, me thinks I struck a nerve. She usually reacts this way when I've hit the nail on the head.

    Love it that yet again she's told me to stay out of her life and forget her, yet she still hasn't removed me from her fb page as a friend. Got to love that difficult child logic. If I'd had a run in with my Mom.....that would've been the first thing I'd have done.

    Makes my heart hurt for Aubrey. She doesn't deserve to grow up with the life I had as a child. The only reason I didn't turn out more messed up than I did was the safety and love of my grandmother. My sibs are quite frankly.....a mess. Right now it seems as if ex boyfriend has stepped up to the plate and is attempting to be that for Aubrey. He has acted like a real man through all of this, shocked the crappola out of me. Never once has he said one bad thing against Nichole, even though she's given him plenty of ammunition.

    Heather, bff's ex has always been afraid of me. Can't recall ever doing anything to cause it......at least not directed at him per se. I'm one of 2 women he treats with respect. The other is bff's Mom. Neither of us take his bull. He's afraid of her too. lol So, yeah. He could have a hand in Aubrey being returned.

    Aubrey is my bottom line right now. Her safety is number 1 priority. I save the pm in case Nichole changes her mind again and attempts to move the baby into that house. Exbf may need it in court. Last thing in the world I ever want to have to do. But I will do it if she forces my hand. And she knows it.

    Going to make myself study pharm. Last night was the first real sleep I've had in a very long time. Now hopefully, I can concentrate again.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Lisa, I think what you did say was parenting because regardless of how big of a butt head difficult child is being, she knows you love her regardless.
    I would not pick this time to be detached. She is trying to turn the attention around from her bad behavior by attacking you.
    None of us are perfect parents but you did not leave your children no matter how much you may have wanted to leave husband. You wouldn't abandon your children.
    If she chose to attempt self harm and she didn't share why would she blame you if you didn't know? By the teen years most parents are not hooked at the hip with their
    child. She made a series of choices that you disagreed with, yet helped her raise her baby.
    She is beating you up because she knows she is wrong to sleep around and abandon her child simply because it feels good. One minute she is pregnant, then she isn't. One minute she wants to leave Aubrey's dad but doesn't. One minute she wants school and another she won't finish what she starts.
    See a pattern? This is no way about you.
    Last I checked watching tv, playing on the computer or reading a book isn't illegal. Sometimes we try to disappear into an alternative world and it can even become an addiction. You still didn't abandon your children and you were there for her when she needed it.
    I've made many mistakes in my life as I'm sure you have but don't let her deflect the subject from her to you.
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I've pretty much perfected The Bobblehead but I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut either, Lisa. Once a child is part of the equation and impacted by bad choices and behavior, the rules change. I hope she comes to her senses.

  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree, you didn't flunk detachment. Although Nichole definitely has issues that warrant a bobblehead response, the immediate bottom line in this scenario is Aubrey's safety. Your speaking frankly with Nichole was necessary and right.

    I'm glad the baby is with her dad and not at the creton's house. He probably doesn't want a baby around anyway.

    If it came down to a custody case, would you back up Nichole's now exbf? Just curious.

    Hugs~hang in there.
  15. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I was thinking that difficult child and her new love don't want a young child to interfere with the love fest going on which is why she agreed to
    let the child return to her daddy.
    I hope N comes to her senses and takes care of her baby.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Thank you all for your support and prayers through this horrible mess. I don't know how I'd have gotten through it without you all, and the prayers as well.

    I still don't know what started this mess off........not sure I really want to know anyway. But evidently exbf, whatever he did that first night hurt Nichole deeply. Evidently, bff's husband saw an opportunity and took advantage and she just mega spiraled from there. Then sort of had given up hope and starting drowning in emotion. While it does not excuse her behavior.....and she knows that.......it is something I can truly understand because I've been there done that a time or two myself in my younger days. I know exactly what that feels like and how difficult it can be to pull yourself out of it. I'm lucky enough to seem to have a "built in brake" (old therapist used to call it my survivor's instinct) that would kick in and help me snap out of it. Nichole doesn't seem to have a brake. She didn't know how to make it stop.

    For years I've attempted to teach her how......but I'm not sure if it can be taught, or maybe I'm just not equipped to teach how. I've always been the one to "talk her down" and back to reason. That I am good at. I've had plenty of family members to practice on over the years. sigh But I'm not going to always be there to be her brake. She's has somehow got to learn how to do it on her own.

    She left bff's husband's house this evening with all her clothes and went to easy child's house. She does look her more normal self, but seeing the deep pain in her eyes is really hard to take. So I made light conversation and didn't look too closely. Her remorse is very very real. Repercussions from one's actions can sure be heavy.

    I don't know why she chose easy child's. Could have been a lot of things. But the fact that sister in law is over 6 feet of solid muscle and is armed to the nines and not afraid in the least to defend home and family probably played a big part of it. And he won't be going back to work for a few days. She is safe now where she is. (thank God)

    Nichole and exbf are talking......a good sort of talking. Seems they both are quite guilty in this disaster. Both are taking responsibility. I swear I've never seen that in either of them before. Exbf spoke to me last night and at this point he still loves her very much but he doesn't know what he wants due to the trust issue. I encouraged lots and lots of honest talking for both of them, if that works......some slow more talking and dating a bit......and then see where that leads them. Unfortunately people can't heal from this sort of thing as fast as it can cause a break up. In the meantime they will be sharing custody, Aubrey with Nichole for half of the week and with ex boyfriend the other half. (as long as she stays away from Jerk Man)

    I'm hoping she goes back into treatment. Maybe a new diagnosis is in order. Maybe not. But she was sliding down the hole before this happened........I could see warning signs that were bothering me.
  17. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm so glad to hear that she is out of that house and that she is working things through with xbf. My daughter doesn't have the "brake"either, so I can relate. Maybe this is her wake up call. I'll keep praying!
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    What a relief that she is away from the jerkman, whew. I recall you mentioning a few months ago that you thought she was beginning to spiral or something. I know that feeling with my difficult child, I can just feel it and it puts me on edge and high alert. difficult child also has trouble with the 'brakes'. I hope things progress slowly in the right direction and that Nichole and boyfriend can work through this.