I think the word I am looking for is "defeated".

[Big Bad Kitty]

This is going to sound like a huge, whiny rant. Maybe that's all it is. I am just trying to paint a picture of things got so bad. Bear with me please.

Dec00 - I gave birth to my difficult child. Had a tubal ligation becasue I knew I was done having kids. I already had a 13 year old daughter, and my husband (gasp) already had 6 sons of his own. New baby was the light of my life, and my husband finally got his little girl.

Nov01 - Post natal depression decided to hold off until now to rear it's ugly head. I was so depressed, you could have picked me up off the floor with a blotter. Thankfully I got help rather quickly, and began therapy and medication.

Mar03 - Left my husband. He had been unemployed for over a year and was making no effort to find work. We could not make rent so our landlord allowed us to break the lease. Older daughter opted to stay with my mom so that she could stay in her school. I took the difficult child and moved in to my dad's place. Began smoking pot and drinking daily to cope.

Oct03 - Husband threatened to take difficult child from me, as he found out that I was doing the pot. I got myself to an AA meeting and quit the drugs & alcohol. Started facing life. Had a very spiritual awakening. Got my own place with difficult child, divorced dex. Allthe while noticing the signs that something is amiss with difficult child. Began LONG process of getting her diagnosis properly.

Aug05 - The neighborhood whack job began stalking me. Restraining orders, court dates, break ins, thefts...and by Oct05 I lost my full time job. Have not worked (except part time) since.

Feb06 - Landed a sweet part time job as an actress in a dinner play. Maybe netted me $100.00 a month.

May06 - Began having menstrual problems. My period would last for 3 weeks, take a week off, then come back again. And we are talking heavy bleeding. Like you don't dare move lest you leak heavy. Doctor visits, biopsies, Provera, anemia, and one inept OB/GYN. She REFUSED to even discuss the possibility of a hysterectomy. Finally (after I convinced her that the Provera DID NOT WORK) she put me on Megestrol. Yay, the bleeding stopped. But the side effects...depression (did she even READ my history?), trouble sleeping (that went well with my sleep apnea), weight gain (I was already a chunker). The weight gain is killing me. I have put on 75lbs since Nov06. I am over 300# now. That is not a typo. I am friggin ROTUND.

Now comes the downward spiral. Too heavy to do anything physical. Too depressed due to the weight to even leave my house unless absolutely necessary. I have become a social recluse. I got a new OB/GYN who is much more open to a hysterectomy, but in the meantime, I just don't know how much longer I can cope. difficult child finally got her proper diagnosis. She is impossible for a FIT person to keep up with. I CANNOT keep up with this kid. I just sit and cry. She feeds off this. I get stares from people when I am out in public. I hear the whispers, "did you see how fat she is?" My own difficult child tells me I am fat. She says she hopes that she looks like daddy when she grows up instead of mommy. I can't take the stairs up to my apartment without stopping to take a break. I am embarrassed for my kid when I am out in public with her. And at the same time, I'd like to clock her for being so sassy. My older daughter is all grown now, living with her boyfriend. If it were not for my difficult child, I would have offed myself by now. Because she needs me. NOBODY can handle that kid but me. nobody will watch her. I just can't cope. I think about drinking all the time, although I know that it will not solve anything. I saw my shadow yeasterday and burst into tears at the size of it. I think that once I get off this medicine things will be better, but I have spiraled so low that now I am catastrophizing. What if I am using that as an excuse? Am I destined to be a lardass forever? I can't stop eating. I try. I have a plan from a nutritionist for eating healthy, it's a point system. I eat enough "points" for the day just at breakfast. My spiritual awakening? Gone. I just want to die sometimes. And my difficult child is only 6!

*sigh* Time to wake up princess happy...thank you for sticking with me...

 

[JJJ]

So sorry to hear that you are struggling. (((HUGS)))

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #990000"> you are sounding extremely overwhelmed.

have you talked to your GYN about all of this? a theapist? you're treating psychiatrist? you need to let one of these people know just how badly you are feeling about yourself.

have they scheduled your hysterectomy yet? looking for a light at the end of the tunnel here.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

No, it has not been scheduled yet. It is not even a for sure thing. I see the OBGYN a week from today. I have to get blood work done on the way. I have an appointment with my internist next month, at which point I need to get a medical release from her. If I get that medical release, and my blood tests are OK, then I can schedule the surgery.

I have talked to my doctor about how I feel. he says it is circumstancial, and to a degree, I believe he is right. But these circumstances have been going on for so long...and I jst feel my life spiralling out of control. Every little thing sets me off. As I dropped difficult child off at school today, I told her she looked beautiful (new dress). Her response? "You look hideous".

And I feel it.

 

[KateM]

So sorry you are in such pain!

Have you tried AA? As a person who is committed not to drink again, but struggling, you will get unconditional support. There are 1 hour meetings available, in every community, 7days a week, several times a day.

You also have a great support group with this forum; we're here for you!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yes, I am in AA. Clean and sober for just over 3 1/2 years. One of the points of my post is, I am tempted to go back out there. Which I know would be the worst thing I could possibly do. But old habits die hard. When the going gets tough, it's easier to bury your pain in the bottle.
So far, it has not happened. I'm really trying.

 

[DammitJanet]

Several parts of your post hit home with me. While I dont struggle with alcohol or pot, I do have food issues. I also weigh someplace around 300. I have lived with the stares from people as took my kids out places. My kids were thin and I always felt people thought I starved them to feed myself. I heard the snide comments. I dont know why people think its perfectly ok to say rude things to overweight people.

A few years ago I lost over a hundred pounds and I was so thrilled. I thought I had this weight thing licked and I could keep going and I would feel even better. Ha! Im bipolar and the docs changed my medications on me and every darn pound came back on. I tried to tell them not to mess with my medications but no one would listen to me. They stuck me on weight gainers...lithium, antipsychotics, etc and I gained mega pounds in just a few short months. Now the medications I was on before arent working the way they were before and I cant lose the weight again.

I did lose the weight on a combo of topamax and wellbutrin by the way.

I also had GYN issues and had to get a hysterectomy in 2004. I felt much better.

There have been days and continue to be days that I dont want to go on. I have bipolar and I struggle with depression constantly. I tend to isolate myself as much as possible. I dont have many friends. The internet tends to be my life. Sad aint it?

 

[KateM]

Congratulations on you 31/2 years of sobriety! Do you have a sponsor in AA? Reach out to that person.Or just attend the next AA mtg.My hubby is a recovering alcohlic ( 13years!) and he gets tremendous support by attending weekly mtgs. When he is feeling the pull of the bottle, he may go to several mtgs a week. I love what AA has done for my husband!

 

[Stella Johnson]

I think you really should start going to AA meetings or seeing a therapist. You sound extremely overwhelmed. An antidepressant probably wouldn't hurt either.

I have been overweight in the past. I gained 90 lbs while prego with difficult child. Take baby steps. Start walking, it will make you feel so much better and can help with the depression.

Try to keep in mind that the bottle only masks problems. You feel better drunk because you don't have to think but it is only making your problems worse. It will only add to your medical and emotional issues right now.

If I were you, I would hold off on the hysterectomy for now. It can throw you into an even deeper deppression from the hormonal changes that can happen. I too have had female problems. My doctor put me on continuous birth control. I have never felt better. The first few months were bad... bleeding for almost 3 months but since I've been great.

I really think you need to see your psychiatrist and a therapist to start out. Start getting out and going for a walk. It will help start an exercise program. Do you have a Curves or something like that near you? I think it would also be helpful for you. Might even help you find some new friends to help you really get into an exercise program.

Sorry you are having such a hard time. ((((hugs)))

Steph

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you all for your hugs and well wishes.

You know, I have a regular AA meeting that I've been slacking off on. Why? Because I'm embarrassed at how I look. I do have a sponsor that I talk to regularly but I don't see very often.

The pattern I'm seeing is that I'm doing things halfway. And that's just the things that I even attempt to do at all.

Its gotten so bad, I hardly know where to start. Aahhhhhhh!

I am so grateful for this site...

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{hugs}}} I'm so sorry that you're so overwhelmed by everything, and there is a lot to be overwhelmed about!

Have you considered OA - Overeaters Anonymous? It is based on the same 12-step program and I think it's worth a look see. since you've done well with AA, I think between AA and OA, you'd really be getting the round the clock support you need in both areas using the same core principals.

My sister in law has been in OA for about 5 years. Not only did she lose a lot of weight, but she is a stronger person today. She has 4 kids who have really put her through the ringer and through it all she's leaned on her sponsors and friends she met in OA. Her husband, my brother, is an AA alumni for 25 years!

Take it one step at a time. I agree that having a hysterectomy in the midst of all these other emotions may be too much to handle. However, if having the hysterectomy will resolve at least the two issues of mentrual bleeding/pain and having to take a medication that doesn't agree with you - maybe it's a good idea.

Is there any chance you could get a 2nd opinion in regards to the hysterectomy? And perhaps see a different psychiatrist - one who actually listens to your pain and offers some viable solutions?

Each day try and meet one goal, one at a time. And try to write down one good thing about yourself each day and focus on that. You are a good cook, you love your daughter with your whole heart. You are a good listener...etc. I'm sorry that your difficult child says such cruel things to you, it's not okay. She is young and hopefully when she sees you helping yourself she will back off and find something nice to say instead.

Sending many gentle hugs. I really think you should look into OA!!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Thank you Jo.
I have looked for OA but have not been able to locate any in my area. The kicker of the whole thing is, I now have this great nutritionist, but the medications I am on are preventing me from following her regimine at all. And that is why I am pushing FOR they hysterectomy. (by the way, this WAS the 2nd opinion. the first doctor was the one who put me on this awful medicine to start with).

Know what? Sometimes, just listing your problems, and seeing them in black and white, kinda takes the power away from them...

 

[nlg319]

I feel your pain. I struggle with depression and over eating. I am in the middle of a crisis with my daughter in foster care and I can't stop eating. Wish I was one of those people who can't eat when they are stressed. I can't stop putting food in my mouth. I don't have the issues with alcohol and pot but I can relate to the depression. It takes over you. The negativeness of it is devastating and at times, I too wonder how can I go on? How much more can I take??

Do you have a therapist? I see mine weekly and I am on Wellbutrin, Effexor and Trazedone. The psychiatrist just increased my Effexor. I tend to isolate, sleep a lot, and cry when really depressed. Right now, my thoughts are about my daughter and how to help her.

Do you keep a journal? That helps me too.

Just trying to give you ideas...Just know that you're not alone!

 

[busywend]

Well, than I am glad you have the site to come help you see the problems in black and white.

There are therapists that specialize in food issues.

I also agree with Stella - the hormonal changes after my hysterectomy was horrible.