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I told husband he had a "get out of jail free" card...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 339897" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>To a certain extent I think it's a bloke thing. With women, when we snap we tend to react a bit differently. We might yell and scream, but for a bloke they HAVE to be the ones in charge, the ones who have everybody lined up ready to obey instantly. If they don't have that in their own home, they consider themselves to be failures not just as parents, but as MEN. We don't have our gender so caught up in our ability to manage discipline, as men do.</p><p></p><p>That said - there is no excuse for having such bad double-standards with kids, especially difficult child kids.</p><p></p><p>Shari, I don't know if your husband can do this (ironically, it takes a really BIG man to admit he needs to change his ways) but he really needs a crash course in revised parenting, difficult child-style. He complains that wee won't do what he asks, but he takes it so personally, as an affront to his manhood, and this is making the problem far worse. husband needs to get in touch with what he is really trying to achieve here, and learn to stay in touch with that aim and not get sidetracked so readily by his own ego.</p><p></p><p>There are numerous ways you can get husband to learn this, but the very first thing you need, is for husband to be receptive to the idea that he needs to change. And despite him saying that yes, he gets it. I'm not so sure he's receptive enough.</p><p></p><p>Good for you in following him to set him straight. I would also have said to him, "I try to support you as a parent, but I cannot and will not support bad parenting. It looks bad when I have to step out of the united front and set things straight. it's bad for you, it's bad for me and it's bad for the kids, because it means they see YOU as flawed and capable of making mistakes. But it is better for the kids to learn that that sort of behaviour is a mistake, than to think we're still a united front and that sort of bad behaviour is what is acceptable. I would rather be disrespected by my kids but have them learn what is right, than to have their respect but see them learn that it's OK to get physical to get what you want."</p><p></p><p>It can be done as a united front, but only if the previously-agreed standards are upheld by both of you. That's the deal - do it how we have agreed (and how therapists have told us it needs to be done) or lose face in front of your kids because you behaved like a brat.</p><p></p><p>The only other option you have, and I would tell husband this, is for you to stand there and say brightly to the kids, "Now who can tell me exactly what Daddy did wrong there, in his demonstration of how not to behave? And incidentally, isn't Daddy a good actor?"</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 339897, member: 1991"] To a certain extent I think it's a bloke thing. With women, when we snap we tend to react a bit differently. We might yell and scream, but for a bloke they HAVE to be the ones in charge, the ones who have everybody lined up ready to obey instantly. If they don't have that in their own home, they consider themselves to be failures not just as parents, but as MEN. We don't have our gender so caught up in our ability to manage discipline, as men do. That said - there is no excuse for having such bad double-standards with kids, especially difficult child kids. Shari, I don't know if your husband can do this (ironically, it takes a really BIG man to admit he needs to change his ways) but he really needs a crash course in revised parenting, difficult child-style. He complains that wee won't do what he asks, but he takes it so personally, as an affront to his manhood, and this is making the problem far worse. husband needs to get in touch with what he is really trying to achieve here, and learn to stay in touch with that aim and not get sidetracked so readily by his own ego. There are numerous ways you can get husband to learn this, but the very first thing you need, is for husband to be receptive to the idea that he needs to change. And despite him saying that yes, he gets it. I'm not so sure he's receptive enough. Good for you in following him to set him straight. I would also have said to him, "I try to support you as a parent, but I cannot and will not support bad parenting. It looks bad when I have to step out of the united front and set things straight. it's bad for you, it's bad for me and it's bad for the kids, because it means they see YOU as flawed and capable of making mistakes. But it is better for the kids to learn that that sort of behaviour is a mistake, than to think we're still a united front and that sort of bad behaviour is what is acceptable. I would rather be disrespected by my kids but have them learn what is right, than to have their respect but see them learn that it's OK to get physical to get what you want." It can be done as a united front, but only if the previously-agreed standards are upheld by both of you. That's the deal - do it how we have agreed (and how therapists have told us it needs to be done) or lose face in front of your kids because you behaved like a brat. The only other option you have, and I would tell husband this, is for you to stand there and say brightly to the kids, "Now who can tell me exactly what Daddy did wrong there, in his demonstration of how not to behave? And incidentally, isn't Daddy a good actor?" Marg [/QUOTE]
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I told husband he had a "get out of jail free" card...
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