Hello girls,
While I am fighting against my throat infection (GP said that it's not a strep throat, but still infected so still need antibiotics), I am currently having the time to assess what is my life.
I am happy to have been able to fight with this law and to have obtain results.
But on the other hand, I am horrified on how hard it cost me. Not much because of the fights against administration and such. But because I argued with so many people that support is nearly absent.
Of course, I have my mom and my dad, my stepbrother (he is 7 years old), I have my sister in Canada. I have some of my childhood friends (my babysitter when I was a kid, she is married with now two children), and my friends in Italy and Greece.
But they cannot help me more than they already do. I mean, I appreciate their help, but they cannot do more, they are not superman and wonderwoman.
I feel exhausted, and helpless. Hopeless no, because there is still hope that this situation gets better.
But I have no energy to do anything else beside the law, the chores, the law, the chores. Some gym. That's all.
I separated myself from persons who made believe they helped me, but they didn't. Like a childhood friend who forced me to go to disco and when I nearly ended at hospital with sound trauma, she complained for the drinks. I told her that it's no way we can spend time together, she cannot always blameshift her own mistakes to the others.
I had to separate from people who asked me to justify like teachers ask to justify yourself for your tardiness and absence. Mommy is too leniant toward that kind of persons, well, I really cannot stand them and I make it know (mom and I conclude that we don't stand the same faults : i can stand some stuff that she does not stand, and vice versa. And it's ok).
I had to separate from some folks who told me that I deserved to be sick (like a so-told-good-friend who told me that it was my fault if I caught a pericarditis, I shall had not been stressed, so I deserve it).
I also fought with others about ridiculous matters, that at the end, I don't even remember myself what was the matter at the beginning. And neither I want nor I can come back to them. I clearly don't want to apologize after those arguments, I don't want to go into that s...t again. I am enough exhausted with all I have to manage, I am enough sick of it that even if I were given billions of dollars, no way to come back !! And each time I came back, it was the same story playing again : fights about ridiculous matters, then it was insults, to finish at the end crying and without nothing. So no way to come back, unless someone wants my death.
The only problem is that it's like it follows me. Even if I go elsewhere, the slightest disagreement finishes on that pattern.
It needs little, like I am sick (exactly like at the moment I had to stay in bed with a pericarditis), to create such a pattern with people.
The only place it didn't happen yet was with my GP. Even when I was raging, even when I was trying to break stuff, she didn't give up. We didn't need to argue to sort out a solution. She didn't need to blame me to sort out problems and solutions.
But I can reasonably expect to, maybe, be given up after a major situation (like a rage, breaking stuff, insults....), and then, be it. I'll have to sort out a solution by myself.
When she tells me that I am destroying myself, I reply to her that it's my problem, not her. "Well, no, it's also my responsibility". Whatever she wants, it's her choice to take this responsibility, not mine. I cannot oblige her to take it if she doesn't want.
It doesn't prevent me from thinking that maybe I deserve to be given up. Maybe I deserve to be left alone and drowning when I am in the heck.
Who knows....
I am disgusted of all this. If I need to be someone else to deserve help, no way, I prefer to be left alone than having to fit for something I don't want. If a physician would think that I may not deserve to be given medical care, I prefer him to give me up instead of caring me without wanting to do so. If I had the choice between a death and being cared by someone who doesn't want, then, I would choose being left without any vital medical care given by someone who does not want to give me it.
If I need medical care, even if it were a matter of life or death, I want someone who does really want to do it, not someone who does it but at the same time, does everything to give up (I care but I don't care, I want but I don't want)
My psychiatrist reacted like that (she cared me while saying she does it by charity, that there is nothing to hope, that I was pretending to suffer....), and it was worse than being given up for good (here, it was a sort of game I care you but I don't care you) : at least, if psychiatrist wants to stop caring me, better she gives me up for good. At least, it's clear, it's squared, it's precise.
Probably if I were giving up my fight to make a law change, I would be more deserving for the world. I would be more normal so more deserving. My psychiatrist told me that if I were more normal, I would be more deserving. If I were socially inserted, I would have been more deserving and not a useless lazy girl who sucks her mom's money (mom is still shocked that my psychiatrist could react like that).
I need help to get sort of those things. I have my therapist, but therapy does not do all the job. And I wonder if I really have to give up this fight to make a law change, if it really worthes the effort because it costs so much.
At the same time, I learn a lot. I prepare a future. It's an activity I like and I am quite good at.
But it's like I have to be a normal person to deserve help, to receive the medical care I need, to deserve to be loved for what I am.
Really, I wonder if I have to gie up this fight to make a law change. Right at the moment in which this law is on the road to change....
While I am fighting against my throat infection (GP said that it's not a strep throat, but still infected so still need antibiotics), I am currently having the time to assess what is my life.
I am happy to have been able to fight with this law and to have obtain results.
But on the other hand, I am horrified on how hard it cost me. Not much because of the fights against administration and such. But because I argued with so many people that support is nearly absent.
Of course, I have my mom and my dad, my stepbrother (he is 7 years old), I have my sister in Canada. I have some of my childhood friends (my babysitter when I was a kid, she is married with now two children), and my friends in Italy and Greece.
But they cannot help me more than they already do. I mean, I appreciate their help, but they cannot do more, they are not superman and wonderwoman.
I feel exhausted, and helpless. Hopeless no, because there is still hope that this situation gets better.
But I have no energy to do anything else beside the law, the chores, the law, the chores. Some gym. That's all.
I separated myself from persons who made believe they helped me, but they didn't. Like a childhood friend who forced me to go to disco and when I nearly ended at hospital with sound trauma, she complained for the drinks. I told her that it's no way we can spend time together, she cannot always blameshift her own mistakes to the others.
I had to separate from people who asked me to justify like teachers ask to justify yourself for your tardiness and absence. Mommy is too leniant toward that kind of persons, well, I really cannot stand them and I make it know (mom and I conclude that we don't stand the same faults : i can stand some stuff that she does not stand, and vice versa. And it's ok).
I had to separate from some folks who told me that I deserved to be sick (like a so-told-good-friend who told me that it was my fault if I caught a pericarditis, I shall had not been stressed, so I deserve it).
I also fought with others about ridiculous matters, that at the end, I don't even remember myself what was the matter at the beginning. And neither I want nor I can come back to them. I clearly don't want to apologize after those arguments, I don't want to go into that s...t again. I am enough exhausted with all I have to manage, I am enough sick of it that even if I were given billions of dollars, no way to come back !! And each time I came back, it was the same story playing again : fights about ridiculous matters, then it was insults, to finish at the end crying and without nothing. So no way to come back, unless someone wants my death.
The only problem is that it's like it follows me. Even if I go elsewhere, the slightest disagreement finishes on that pattern.
It needs little, like I am sick (exactly like at the moment I had to stay in bed with a pericarditis), to create such a pattern with people.
The only place it didn't happen yet was with my GP. Even when I was raging, even when I was trying to break stuff, she didn't give up. We didn't need to argue to sort out a solution. She didn't need to blame me to sort out problems and solutions.
But I can reasonably expect to, maybe, be given up after a major situation (like a rage, breaking stuff, insults....), and then, be it. I'll have to sort out a solution by myself.
When she tells me that I am destroying myself, I reply to her that it's my problem, not her. "Well, no, it's also my responsibility". Whatever she wants, it's her choice to take this responsibility, not mine. I cannot oblige her to take it if she doesn't want.
It doesn't prevent me from thinking that maybe I deserve to be given up. Maybe I deserve to be left alone and drowning when I am in the heck.
Who knows....
I am disgusted of all this. If I need to be someone else to deserve help, no way, I prefer to be left alone than having to fit for something I don't want. If a physician would think that I may not deserve to be given medical care, I prefer him to give me up instead of caring me without wanting to do so. If I had the choice between a death and being cared by someone who doesn't want, then, I would choose being left without any vital medical care given by someone who does not want to give me it.
If I need medical care, even if it were a matter of life or death, I want someone who does really want to do it, not someone who does it but at the same time, does everything to give up (I care but I don't care, I want but I don't want)
My psychiatrist reacted like that (she cared me while saying she does it by charity, that there is nothing to hope, that I was pretending to suffer....), and it was worse than being given up for good (here, it was a sort of game I care you but I don't care you) : at least, if psychiatrist wants to stop caring me, better she gives me up for good. At least, it's clear, it's squared, it's precise.
Probably if I were giving up my fight to make a law change, I would be more deserving for the world. I would be more normal so more deserving. My psychiatrist told me that if I were more normal, I would be more deserving. If I were socially inserted, I would have been more deserving and not a useless lazy girl who sucks her mom's money (mom is still shocked that my psychiatrist could react like that).
I need help to get sort of those things. I have my therapist, but therapy does not do all the job. And I wonder if I really have to give up this fight to make a law change, if it really worthes the effort because it costs so much.
At the same time, I learn a lot. I prepare a future. It's an activity I like and I am quite good at.
But it's like I have to be a normal person to deserve help, to receive the medical care I need, to deserve to be loved for what I am.
Really, I wonder if I have to gie up this fight to make a law change. Right at the moment in which this law is on the road to change....
