If only I !

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tellmewhy, Mar 5, 2018.

  1. Tellmewhy

    Tellmewhy New Member

    My daughter is my everything but unfortunately I cannot help her and bailed her out anymore me and my husband been together for 14 years and he raised my daughter since she was six now 34 and homeless makes me sick to my stomach my heart aches and my head hurts from thinking of her everyday she has three children and they all went to different grandparents I have the seven-year-old beautiful little baby girl she gives us life me and my husband are raising her yesterday I found out that my daughter is living under a bridge next to the house that I grew up at my mother sold her home 6 months ago my daughter live there with my 3 grandkids one of them is a cancer survivor she's 13 and thank God she's living with well-to-do grandparents anyways before my mother sold the house everything was perfect my mom love my daughter so much and my sister's all put her up on a pedestal then she met a foolish man and she totally changed .My mom found him in the bedroom bathroom and was so scared she kicked him out my daughter was trying to help him cuz he's homeless and it was so wrong because my 3 grandkids were sleeping in the bedroom since then she would treat her very mean and kick her out of the house so many times she would call me for any little movement my daughter made even if she walk to the store to the market to the park but she is also a very good liar and sometimes made it never made it back home two three hours later with the kids still at home with my mother it comes to my reality that she chose him and drugs over everything else my mom could not take it anymore and my sisters all got involved and somehow she was convinced to sell the house that I grew up in it's been 6 months since the house was sold and my daughter was kicked out with the three grandchildren all placed with their grandmothers I had some I'll convince them to take the children so they would not be homeless and the court ordered me Guardian of my 7 year old baby I always.. thought thought my daughter okay we all make mistakes she had a tough time with my 13 year old cancer survivor she got leukemia at Age 3 and is my little Survivor nevertheless I realize that she is really homeless those people you see on the streets the ladies pushing shopping carts same clothes no shower no food no more blanket with not a care in the world she was one of them and I know and tell myself this is not the way it's supposed to be reality kicked in and it is tearing my heart apart she is a drug addict with congestive heart failure the day she was discharged from the hospital I could not even bring it to my apartment my husband won't without it she had separated us at one point when I moved her into the apartment when she had her second baby my parents came running for her and my sister they always came to rescue I made me look like a bad mother here we today and I'm going to go find her and try to help her take a shower and give her something to eat she can't stay here he won't allow it I don't know what to do I feel so helpless and awful my sister's think I should leave my husband and have her live with me but who will pay my rent she already separated me and my husband at one point I don't care though I still want to help her so badly she was made out to be and characterized as a bad person and she has never been a bad person she is not but she became someone she's not supposed to be my family was so United and loving and now she's in the street and they are nowhere inside to help me they think it's okay to have my daughter homeless and three children separated my mother regret selling the house and one of my sisters is contacting me constantly and wants to help me find my daughter today
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are sad. Your daughter caused this though. She is 35 and nobody, including you, is required to house a drug addicTed adult who chose a man over her kids.

    About the kids. Is the father around? Does daughter collect child support? I am wondering if the kids could live under one roof with Dad?

    I am sure your daughter can be nice but it sounds like she has been pampered like a child and not made to work,sustain herself and kids, and stand on her own two feet. This is important because none of you will live forever. She WILL be on her own. Nobody is obligated to take her in. Many of us have or had homeless adult kids. There comes a point when they in my opinion should face the consequences of bad decisions, and she made one BAD decision!!!.

    My daughter did drugs and we made her leave at 19. She got straight and is now 34 with a boyfriend of twelve years, a three year old princess, her own house, a two year degree, etc. It was very hard for us to make her leave but she sure learned to grow up fast. She is totally independent now.

    I suggest counseling to help you stop thinking of your daughter as your little girl. She is close to middle age and you are probably getting too old to be s stressed. Many of us need to stop seeing our adult kids as children.

    I think it's a terrible idea to leave your husband for grown daughter. He in my opinion is a priority now and will be there when daughter is not. He is very reasonable to not want your addicted daughter living with you. You may want to give her addresses of shelters and food pantries. It is time for her to do things herself and not rely on elderly grandmother, aunt's and parents. You can not take care of her forever. I would stop listening to sisters. You are not a bad mother at all. If anything you are TOO involved.

    Sounds like maybe your family gets overly involved in everyone's business? You are grown up too and dont need to please them. Your mother had every right to sell her house. Your daughter being on a pedestal like a young child will hurt her...she needs to have ar realistic view of herself. If not she may think she is helpless to take care of herself.

    Love and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, TMW

    I am glad to hear that your granddaughter is doing well. I have a friend that survived childhood cancer, and she is now in her 40s.

    It sounds like you feel caught between your sisters, daughter, mom, husband, and grandkids.

    You are really going to have to decide which are your priorities, and act accordingly. If it were up to me, I would say your husband and your grandchildren should come first.

    I wouldn’t listen to the sister who wants you to go out and find your daughter. To what end? You can’t bring her to your house, and the sister doesn’t seem to be wanting to bring your daughter into her home, so why go find her? Your daughter knows where everyone lives. She isn’t lost. She is choosing to be homeless. There are plenty of services for women with young children.

    Let it go for now, and focus on what you have—your husband and grandchildren.

    Read the post on detachment and read some stories here. Get to know us, and stick around. It’s a good place to be.

    Apple