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Parent Emeritus
"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 447884"><p>Well I am not sure there are happy endings because most of us are in the process and there are ups and downs along any path.... although there are better spots to be than others. I know we are not at the end of whatever yet. It sounds like really the first question you have to ask yourself is letting your son stay at home, continue on his current path as is, which includes violating all your rules, helping him at all? The reality is learning that you can break rules without consequences is not how the world works and not the message you want to send him.... because out in the real world it does not work that way. So we were in a similar situation as you with our son... although no parties at the house but he did use our car without our permission in the middle fo the night etc. Definite drug problem. We kicked him out and yes things definitely got much worse for him. He was arrested several times... and had the attitude with the law that he did at home...there seemed to be no real consequences to his actions... UNTIL the court system had enough and he ended up in jail. That led to rehab and probation. He is now doing better than he was then. He has a job, has not gotten in any trouble as far as I know, and may be drinking but is at least staying doing enough to comply with probation and drug testing. Could things get worse again? Absolutely especially since I don't believe he has fully faces his issues with substance abuse. Do I know what is really going on? No? Am I worried about him? Absolutely. Do we have a good relationship? No.... BUT it is better than it was when he was living at home and breaking all our rules. At least now he is pleasant to us, calls us when he needs something, thanks us when we do do something for him. I think he is figuring out that he needs to obey the law. He has spent time with another family that is really messed up and so has seen what life could have been like and maybe appreciates us a bit more. Definitely progress. Is he struggling? Yes. Has some bad stuff happened? Yes and he now has a felony on his record. However if we had let him live at home I think he could be dead from serious drug use and possible overdose. When we kicked him out I thought he was mostly using pot, I have found out since it was much worse than that. The path he was on when at our house was leading to total self destruction. That could still happen of course but he is in a better place and some of his own self preservation is kicking in because we are not always rescuing him from himself. The other piece is that we are doing much better. I am under less stress not living with the constant stuff from him. My daughter is doing well and is much better off without her brother here... and she is younger and we need to protect her from all the stress of his shenanigans. Ultimately you also need to look at what is good for you and the rest of your family. It is not healthy to live under such extreme stress of one member who doesn't respect you or obey any rules.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 447884"] Well I am not sure there are happy endings because most of us are in the process and there are ups and downs along any path.... although there are better spots to be than others. I know we are not at the end of whatever yet. It sounds like really the first question you have to ask yourself is letting your son stay at home, continue on his current path as is, which includes violating all your rules, helping him at all? The reality is learning that you can break rules without consequences is not how the world works and not the message you want to send him.... because out in the real world it does not work that way. So we were in a similar situation as you with our son... although no parties at the house but he did use our car without our permission in the middle fo the night etc. Definite drug problem. We kicked him out and yes things definitely got much worse for him. He was arrested several times... and had the attitude with the law that he did at home...there seemed to be no real consequences to his actions... UNTIL the court system had enough and he ended up in jail. That led to rehab and probation. He is now doing better than he was then. He has a job, has not gotten in any trouble as far as I know, and may be drinking but is at least staying doing enough to comply with probation and drug testing. Could things get worse again? Absolutely especially since I don't believe he has fully faces his issues with substance abuse. Do I know what is really going on? No? Am I worried about him? Absolutely. Do we have a good relationship? No.... BUT it is better than it was when he was living at home and breaking all our rules. At least now he is pleasant to us, calls us when he needs something, thanks us when we do do something for him. I think he is figuring out that he needs to obey the law. He has spent time with another family that is really messed up and so has seen what life could have been like and maybe appreciates us a bit more. Definitely progress. Is he struggling? Yes. Has some bad stuff happened? Yes and he now has a felony on his record. However if we had let him live at home I think he could be dead from serious drug use and possible overdose. When we kicked him out I thought he was mostly using pot, I have found out since it was much worse than that. The path he was on when at our house was leading to total self destruction. That could still happen of course but he is in a better place and some of his own self preservation is kicking in because we are not always rescuing him from himself. The other piece is that we are doing much better. I am under less stress not living with the constant stuff from him. My daughter is doing well and is much better off without her brother here... and she is younger and we need to protect her from all the stress of his shenanigans. Ultimately you also need to look at what is good for you and the rest of your family. It is not healthy to live under such extreme stress of one member who doesn't respect you or obey any rules. [/QUOTE]
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"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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