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Parent Emeritus
"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 447920" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>As others have said, there are happy endings.</p><p></p><p>What you may have to do is "adust" your idea of what constitutes a happy ending.</p><p></p><p>My post was probably one of the most emphatic replies you have gotten. I don't believe I made any predictions about his future. Rather I attempted to force you to focus on the present moment and what is REAL right now.</p><p></p><p>That is because my sense from your post was that the dynamic you were expressing was one of co-dependence with an addict coupled with a preoccupation with what "might" happen down the road.</p><p></p><p>I know from LONG personal experience (note that our oldest difficult child is 28 and we are currently dealing with a 15 yo difficult child) that it is very painful for a parent to see their child make choices that are guaranteed to lead to terrible heartache and struggle for that child. We can see that they have made choices that are very self-destructive and our hearts feel like they are going to break. This is not the future we wanted the day we held that baby in our arms rejoicing in his birth.</p><p></p><p>But living in a "possible" future where your son is dead from drug overdoses or whatever and imagining that you have the power to prevent that by letting him victimize you is not going to help him and it is delusional to think you have that kind of power. Instead, living in the present moment and making your decisions based on that is, in my opinion and experience, necessary and one the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your family and your son.</p><p></p><p>No one can predict the future. But there are certain things as parents that we can do that are very likely to make the future harder for our child. One of them is to keep treating our child as a "child" when they are in fact adults in the eyes of the world.</p><p></p><p>The developmental trajectory of a child growing into an adult means that over time they gradually assume the responsibility for setting their own limits and separating from their parents as the authority in their life. This role must become their own. If they are mentally ill or developmentally delayed or brain injured - obviously those circumstances call for some changes in the way parents approach this problem.</p><p></p><p>As long as you hold on to the role of "internal" authority and refuse to pass that on to your son you are preventing him from growing into full adulthood. Your post implied that he is not suffering from serious mental illness or development delays, etc.</p><p></p><p>Therefore, you must accept the need for YOU to separate from him so that he can move fully into adulthood.</p><p></p><p>You can love him no matter where he lives and no matter what his life is like. Choosing to treat him as an adult who can handle the challenges life presents and the consequences for bad choices or mistakes is the RESPECTFUL thing you can do. To continue to rescue him and send him the message that he can't function as an adult is not respectful and it is certainly not HOPEFUL. Instead it expresses in very concrete terms your belief that he is NOT capable of becoming/being fully adult.</p><p></p><p>Allowing him to victimize you is not only disrespectful to him. It is choosing to encourage him to learn to prey on those closest to him.</p><p></p><p>Is this the lesson you want him to learn? Will this help him grow into the man you want and know he can be?</p><p></p><p>Holding him accountable is the hopeful thing to do. It expresses the underlying belief that he can handle this problem and find a solution.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean you have abandoned him. As I said in my post, you can offer to help him find and finance the cost for rehab services, when he has realized that he needs those services.</p><p></p><p>Adjusting your idea of happy ending may mean that you will celebrate small steps as he grapples with the very real challenges of growing into full adulthood. It does not mean that you abandon hope for the best possible outcome. It simply means that you don't let yourself live in the future.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure I have expressed myself very well here. I just know that if you keep on as you are, you are almost certainly guaranteeing the worst possible outcome and your own victimization at the hands of your child.</p><p></p><p>Hugs from been there done that territory. Keep the faith by showing your son that you know he can handle the mess he's gotten himself into.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 447920, member: 11920"] As others have said, there are happy endings. What you may have to do is "adust" your idea of what constitutes a happy ending. My post was probably one of the most emphatic replies you have gotten. I don't believe I made any predictions about his future. Rather I attempted to force you to focus on the present moment and what is REAL right now. That is because my sense from your post was that the dynamic you were expressing was one of co-dependence with an addict coupled with a preoccupation with what "might" happen down the road. I know from LONG personal experience (note that our oldest difficult child is 28 and we are currently dealing with a 15 yo difficult child) that it is very painful for a parent to see their child make choices that are guaranteed to lead to terrible heartache and struggle for that child. We can see that they have made choices that are very self-destructive and our hearts feel like they are going to break. This is not the future we wanted the day we held that baby in our arms rejoicing in his birth. But living in a "possible" future where your son is dead from drug overdoses or whatever and imagining that you have the power to prevent that by letting him victimize you is not going to help him and it is delusional to think you have that kind of power. Instead, living in the present moment and making your decisions based on that is, in my opinion and experience, necessary and one the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your family and your son. No one can predict the future. But there are certain things as parents that we can do that are very likely to make the future harder for our child. One of them is to keep treating our child as a "child" when they are in fact adults in the eyes of the world. The developmental trajectory of a child growing into an adult means that over time they gradually assume the responsibility for setting their own limits and separating from their parents as the authority in their life. This role must become their own. If they are mentally ill or developmentally delayed or brain injured - obviously those circumstances call for some changes in the way parents approach this problem. As long as you hold on to the role of "internal" authority and refuse to pass that on to your son you are preventing him from growing into full adulthood. Your post implied that he is not suffering from serious mental illness or development delays, etc. Therefore, you must accept the need for YOU to separate from him so that he can move fully into adulthood. You can love him no matter where he lives and no matter what his life is like. Choosing to treat him as an adult who can handle the challenges life presents and the consequences for bad choices or mistakes is the RESPECTFUL thing you can do. To continue to rescue him and send him the message that he can't function as an adult is not respectful and it is certainly not HOPEFUL. Instead it expresses in very concrete terms your belief that he is NOT capable of becoming/being fully adult. Allowing him to victimize you is not only disrespectful to him. It is choosing to encourage him to learn to prey on those closest to him. Is this the lesson you want him to learn? Will this help him grow into the man you want and know he can be? Holding him accountable is the hopeful thing to do. It expresses the underlying belief that he can handle this problem and find a solution. That doesn't mean you have abandoned him. As I said in my post, you can offer to help him find and finance the cost for rehab services, when he has realized that he needs those services. Adjusting your idea of happy ending may mean that you will celebrate small steps as he grapples with the very real challenges of growing into full adulthood. It does not mean that you abandon hope for the best possible outcome. It simply means that you don't let yourself live in the future. I'm not sure I have expressed myself very well here. I just know that if you keep on as you are, you are almost certainly guaranteeing the worst possible outcome and your own victimization at the hands of your child. Hugs from been there done that territory. Keep the faith by showing your son that you know he can handle the mess he's gotten himself into. [/QUOTE]
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"If you don't care, why should I?" Is this TOO tough?
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