Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
If you have personality disorders in your family, including difficult child...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 628656" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I don't know what to think about labeling ourselves or one another, MWM. My sister likes to do that...to her husband. </p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>She likes to rattle off the names of things he is.</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>To me, it seems like it would be a good thing to understand that the behaviors we have been exposed to through trying to love those in our lives who just keep turning on us are nothing personal. I mean, it is a healing thing to understand that the person who keeps hurting you is doing that not because of anything wrong we have done (and therefore, would have the power to reflect upon and change) but because he or she has not done the work of self examination and so, is acting out in a certain way that, though it is hurtful to us, ultimately has nothing to do with us, or with any way we are or with anything we do or have done.</p><p></p><p>Abuse is always that way.</p><p></p><p>It seems so to me, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Abusers, so they say, abuse because they are reenacting something wrong that happened to them.</p><p></p><p>If we are hurt by it, it is only because we were there, in their sphere of influence.</p><p></p><p>It is nothing personal.</p><p></p><p>That is why we cannot fix it, or help them to see it.</p><p></p><p>We can only help ourselves, and even that is a pretty tall order, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>So, I am not sure I want to affix alot of names or initials to the behaviors of those I love. I do want to see what they are doing, instead of always and forever trying to be nicer, or excuse it, or pretend it could not possibly have been meant to hurt or humiliate me. Or worse yet, come to believe their take on me is legitimate, that I am who they want me to believe I am.</p><p></p><p>That would be very wrong. It happens sometimes though, especially if the abusive person is a parent, because children are new to the world, and have no frame of reference.</p><p></p><p>I think I believe that ultimately, healing my own vulnerabilities will take me to a strong enough place (There are those boundary issues we are all wondering about, again!) that I will be able to address the wrongnesses as they happen and let it go. I will come to a time then, when I am so much who I am that mistreatment will be obvious and I will just go and find something else to do instead of trying to figure the whole world out every time someone is rude or hurtful.</p><p></p><p>What the other person does with that is their freedom, their right, and has nothing at all to do with me.</p><p></p><p>I think that is how I see things, this morning.</p><p></p><p>As I have continued working through the things I have recently been able to reinterpret where my family of origin is concerned, that is what I think I see. There have been so few times ~ maybe none ~ when the interactions were healthy. We have all been hurt, have hurt one another, continue to be too malnourished ourselves to trust ourselves to withstand the hurt of betrayal.</p><p></p><p>And the way we see one another, at least in my family of origin, can only be about betraying the other guy to get what we so desperately need.</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown describes this dynamic as the dynamic of scarcity. People who have been hurt have come to believe there is not enough of what is good and strengthening to go around.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, like a spiritual gluttony? You just keep having to have it all, and more. Anything, any good thing at all, that the other guy has takes the shine off whatever it is you have selected for yourself. So, you disparage the other guy. If the other guy is a pretty nice guy, and cannot be discredited?</p><p></p><p>Then, the dysfunctional family gangs up on him. I think this part is where the family secret stuff comes in. The rebellious one (that would be you, MWM ~ and me too I suppose, though I would have sworn I did not have a rebellious bone in my body) <em>has </em>to be discredited.</p><p></p><p>Or the family would have to take a look at what they are doing, to themselves, and to one another.</p><p>But they can't, because if they did, the patterns, the old, hurtful ways of believing and interacting would be shown to be empty of meaning.</p><p></p><p>Unclear as this all is, that is what I am working through this morning.</p><p></p><p>So I think I do not want to know the labels for their behavior. I think that, whatever our diagnoses are, it all started in some cruelty, in some spiritual pinching, and it can only end with the unlocking of some spiritual generosity.</p><p></p><p>Ha! Even I don't know what I'm trying to say here, this morning.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>How are you feeling about everything now MWM, as you work through all this with your sister and your mother?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 628656, member: 17461"] I don't know what to think about labeling ourselves or one another, MWM. My sister likes to do that...to her husband. ? She likes to rattle off the names of things he is. ? To me, it seems like it would be a good thing to understand that the behaviors we have been exposed to through trying to love those in our lives who just keep turning on us are nothing personal. I mean, it is a healing thing to understand that the person who keeps hurting you is doing that not because of anything wrong we have done (and therefore, would have the power to reflect upon and change) but because he or she has not done the work of self examination and so, is acting out in a certain way that, though it is hurtful to us, ultimately has nothing to do with us, or with any way we are or with anything we do or have done. Abuse is always that way. It seems so to me, anyway. Abusers, so they say, abuse because they are reenacting something wrong that happened to them. If we are hurt by it, it is only because we were there, in their sphere of influence. It is nothing personal. That is why we cannot fix it, or help them to see it. We can only help ourselves, and even that is a pretty tall order, sometimes. So, I am not sure I want to affix alot of names or initials to the behaviors of those I love. I do want to see what they are doing, instead of always and forever trying to be nicer, or excuse it, or pretend it could not possibly have been meant to hurt or humiliate me. Or worse yet, come to believe their take on me is legitimate, that I am who they want me to believe I am. That would be very wrong. It happens sometimes though, especially if the abusive person is a parent, because children are new to the world, and have no frame of reference. I think I believe that ultimately, healing my own vulnerabilities will take me to a strong enough place (There are those boundary issues we are all wondering about, again!) that I will be able to address the wrongnesses as they happen and let it go. I will come to a time then, when I am so much who I am that mistreatment will be obvious and I will just go and find something else to do instead of trying to figure the whole world out every time someone is rude or hurtful. What the other person does with that is their freedom, their right, and has nothing at all to do with me. I think that is how I see things, this morning. As I have continued working through the things I have recently been able to reinterpret where my family of origin is concerned, that is what I think I see. There have been so few times ~ maybe none ~ when the interactions were healthy. We have all been hurt, have hurt one another, continue to be too malnourished ourselves to trust ourselves to withstand the hurt of betrayal. And the way we see one another, at least in my family of origin, can only be about betraying the other guy to get what we so desperately need. Brene Brown describes this dynamic as the dynamic of scarcity. People who have been hurt have come to believe there is not enough of what is good and strengthening to go around. Maybe, like a spiritual gluttony? You just keep having to have it all, and more. Anything, any good thing at all, that the other guy has takes the shine off whatever it is you have selected for yourself. So, you disparage the other guy. If the other guy is a pretty nice guy, and cannot be discredited? Then, the dysfunctional family gangs up on him. I think this part is where the family secret stuff comes in. The rebellious one (that would be you, MWM ~ and me too I suppose, though I would have sworn I did not have a rebellious bone in my body) [I]has [/I]to be discredited. Or the family would have to take a look at what they are doing, to themselves, and to one another. But they can't, because if they did, the patterns, the old, hurtful ways of believing and interacting would be shown to be empty of meaning. Unclear as this all is, that is what I am working through this morning. So I think I do not want to know the labels for their behavior. I think that, whatever our diagnoses are, it all started in some cruelty, in some spiritual pinching, and it can only end with the unlocking of some spiritual generosity. Ha! Even I don't know what I'm trying to say here, this morning. :O) How are you feeling about everything now MWM, as you work through all this with your sister and your mother? Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
If you have personality disorders in your family, including difficult child...
Top