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If you have raised/are raising a daughter - HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 381548" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Oh my, I do not envy you and I thank God those days are behind me, in particular with difficult child. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">By about 11/12, they are usually just hanging around in groups - going to the movies, the shoppes, school events, whatever. They may make those groups smaller once they get there, but they are still in small groups, no one on one dating. Both my girls had friends whose parents allowed one on one dating at the movies for their 11/12 year olds but I was not comfortable with that and even my girls thought it was weird. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">At 14 I allowed a friend who happened to be a boy come over the house to hang out, watch movies or play video games and have meals with us, but no one on one dating until 16. easy child never EVER had a boy over until she was 16. difficult child, on the other hand, always one to push the envelope had a 'boyfriend' at 14 who lived in another town and came over the house almost every Saturday. H once caught them kissing and just cleared his throat. They immediately came into the kitchen looking for a snack - the boy was red faced. It was all harmless. difficult child did get into her first romance at 15 and subsequently, had sex with the boy...at his parents house. I spoke with the parents about allowing them too much time alone, but they defended their allowing their son to entertain in his bedroom in the basement (with a waterbed!). I will admit that I gave up after a few months. My house, my rules, their house their rules and at 15 I had other battles with difficult child. Meanwhile, easy child didn't have her first romance until she was 17 - she was a stickler for the rules, took them very seriously and told me she "wanted to be sure". </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">I think you're on the right track in regards to no dating until 15 and I think you're going to have to deal with her debating you over it. Just take a firm stand and be consistent about it. At her age, she should be in groups of mixed gender and that's it. If you feel so inclined, you can put yourself or H out there and offer to be chaperones, but I can tell you that will only become a pita if she has some </span></span><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">wise*****</span></span><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue"> boy who takes you up on the offer. Do you really want to be bothered with chaperoning your 12 year old daughter every weekend while she's at the movies with a freshman? Nah. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Priveleges are just that - privileges. Remind her of that and ask her if dating is more important than having a cell phone or any other privilege she enjoys. Ask her if she really wants this to become the focal point of every discussion. Remind her that you've set the age and that's that and you will not budge or discuss it again with her and then don't. The more you discuss it with them and/or argue your points, the more opportunities you give her to wear you down. Just don't discuss it anymore. If she wants to carry on about it, let her carry on in her room with the door closed or write about it in her diary or vent to her friends. Menawhile, you can turn up the stereo or go for a walk or sit outside, just get away from her if you need to. Believe me, this is not going to be the thing that A) ruins her social life or B) ruins your relationship with her. Eventually, time passes and they get over themselves and life goes on. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Keep an eye out. If you suspect that she's sneaking around behind your back, call her on it...or...do what I did, spy on her! Hahaha. Yes, I did that once when difficult child said she was going to the movies with her two girlfriends. In my gut I knew she was lying, so H and I made like we were leaving and then circled back, parked on the far end of the parking lot and that is when we saw difficult child exit the movie house with a boy and walk over to Starbucks instead. We continued onto our dinner plans and came back to pick her up from the movies - EARLY - and called to her as she was walking hand in hand back to the movie house to sneak back in so she could make it look like she'd been in there the whole time. Hahaha - the look on her face was priceless. She lost all privileges for 3 weeks and wasn't allowed on any outings without either me or her sister. That was a pain, but worth it. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Best of luck - you will survive this.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 381548, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Oh my, I do not envy you and I thank God those days are behind me, in particular with difficult child. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]By about 11/12, they are usually just hanging around in groups - going to the movies, the shoppes, school events, whatever. They may make those groups smaller once they get there, but they are still in small groups, no one on one dating. Both my girls had friends whose parents allowed one on one dating at the movies for their 11/12 year olds but I was not comfortable with that and even my girls thought it was weird. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]At 14 I allowed a friend who happened to be a boy come over the house to hang out, watch movies or play video games and have meals with us, but no one on one dating until 16. easy child never EVER had a boy over until she was 16. difficult child, on the other hand, always one to push the envelope had a 'boyfriend' at 14 who lived in another town and came over the house almost every Saturday. H once caught them kissing and just cleared his throat. They immediately came into the kitchen looking for a snack - the boy was red faced. It was all harmless. difficult child did get into her first romance at 15 and subsequently, had sex with the boy...at his parents house. I spoke with the parents about allowing them too much time alone, but they defended their allowing their son to entertain in his bedroom in the basement (with a waterbed!). I will admit that I gave up after a few months. My house, my rules, their house their rules and at 15 I had other battles with difficult child. Meanwhile, easy child didn't have her first romance until she was 17 - she was a stickler for the rules, took them very seriously and told me she "wanted to be sure". [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]I think you're on the right track in regards to no dating until 15 and I think you're going to have to deal with her debating you over it. Just take a firm stand and be consistent about it. At her age, she should be in groups of mixed gender and that's it. If you feel so inclined, you can put yourself or H out there and offer to be chaperones, but I can tell you that will only become a pita if she has some [/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]wise*****[/COLOR][/SIZE][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue] boy who takes you up on the offer. Do you really want to be bothered with chaperoning your 12 year old daughter every weekend while she's at the movies with a freshman? Nah. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Priveleges are just that - privileges. Remind her of that and ask her if dating is more important than having a cell phone or any other privilege she enjoys. Ask her if she really wants this to become the focal point of every discussion. Remind her that you've set the age and that's that and you will not budge or discuss it again with her and then don't. The more you discuss it with them and/or argue your points, the more opportunities you give her to wear you down. Just don't discuss it anymore. If she wants to carry on about it, let her carry on in her room with the door closed or write about it in her diary or vent to her friends. Menawhile, you can turn up the stereo or go for a walk or sit outside, just get away from her if you need to. Believe me, this is not going to be the thing that A) ruins her social life or B) ruins your relationship with her. Eventually, time passes and they get over themselves and life goes on. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Keep an eye out. If you suspect that she's sneaking around behind your back, call her on it...or...do what I did, spy on her! Hahaha. Yes, I did that once when difficult child said she was going to the movies with her two girlfriends. In my gut I knew she was lying, so H and I made like we were leaving and then circled back, parked on the far end of the parking lot and that is when we saw difficult child exit the movie house with a boy and walk over to Starbucks instead. We continued onto our dinner plans and came back to pick her up from the movies - EARLY - and called to her as she was walking hand in hand back to the movie house to sneak back in so she could make it look like she'd been in there the whole time. Hahaha - the look on her face was priceless. She lost all privileges for 3 weeks and wasn't allowed on any outings without either me or her sister. That was a pain, but worth it. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Best of luck - you will survive this.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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