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If you have raised/are raising a daughter - HELP!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 381774" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Dating is a big deal for every kid. For the family too, or it should be, in my opinion. It really isn't something to discuss by text, not until the rules are set and everyone knows them. Then a text could be used to ask for permission, or to let you know she will be a little late, etc... Until then, you need to discuss dating face to face, or at least in email where you can send more than just a few words. I would tell her that anytime she asks anything about dating by text the answer will be whatever choice she least wants you to choose. If she wants you to say no, you will say yes. </p><p> </p><p>Then you and husband need to talk about this, and then all 3 of you need to talk about it. It is a big deal, and you may want to stick with the rules you set years ago. You may want to make it 16 instead of 15, or go the other way with age. A lot of it should depend on her maturity and how she handles things, how much common sense and self awareness she has. Whatever rules you set, you must stick to. You also need to set the consequences that you will impose if she breaks the rules, sneaks out, etc...</p><p> </p><p>On this subject, and any other rules that she doesn't like, don't debate with her. It takes 2 to debate, and debate is just another word for argue. You don't need to argue with your teenage daughter about the rules. If she has a problem with a rule you are willing to bend on, discuss it with her, let her know if you will bend or change it, and move on. If you won't bend on it, don't respond when she tries to debate it. </p><p> </p><p>Get a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic and read through it. It will help with a LOT of these issues, and help you handle the debating and attitude.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Figure out if you and your daughter are talking about the same thing when you talk about dating. It is very possible to mean very different things and not know it. For some people it means only going on 1:1 dates where boy picks girl up at home, etc.... For some it means holding hands at school, maybe going to a school dance, but never seeing each other outside of school. You have to be talking about the same thing for the rules to work.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe if she wants to date a special boy the date needs to be dinner with the family and then a movie in the living room. They get the room mostly to themselves, but you and husband look in often to make sure they are behaving. she could also have him over to study at the kitchen table after school, or things like that. </p><p> </p><p>If this is about a boy she feels strongly about, then the "at home" dates will be do-able, once she realizes that you are not going to budge. If it is about status, then it isn't going to happen. At her age a LOT of the s0-called dating that happens is really about status rather than about caring for someone. Dating someone puts you higher on the social ladder and makes you more popular. </p><p> </p><p>The study and movie dates at home are suggestions from Jessie. She says that if they are at home, even if it is alone in a room and you check on them even so often, your daughter can begin to learn <em>how</em> to date. If her first dates are out with a crowd of kids, who knows what she will think is accepted and expected date behavior? If you do let her do group dating, Jess says to make sure there is an adult that you know well to chaperone. Otherwise you can end up with the chaperone off doing what they want and ignoring the kids for substantial amounts of time. She remembers being at the bowling alley with a friend a few years ago. It was a group date for the older sister of a friend of hers. The friend's dad was the chaperone - and let the kids alone completely after the first 20 minutes. He went into the bar to watch some game on tv in there while he had a couple of beers. Jess remembers getting quite an eyeful as she and her friend spied on the older sister and her boyfriend when they snuck into the coatroom area to make out. We found out a lot of this because Jess refused to get in the car with the dad. We were called because she bit one of the teen boys when he tried to pick her up and put her in the car. She knew the dad had been drinking because he smelled like beer. The dad was very upset with Jess, but we weren't! </p><p> </p><p>I think Jessie's advice about teaching your daughter how to date rather than just allowing her to go on either group or 1:1 dates at a certain age (any age) is a good thing to think about. </p><p> </p><p>Regardless of how you handle this, there is going to be a LOT of attitude, of not wanting to talk to you, of pretending not to listen to you. No matter how much she gives you attitude, she is listening underneath it all. </p><p> </p><p>I was a bit shocked when Jess said that kids need supervised dates, like the study date at home, to learn how to date. She also said that it is important for the boys to meet the family, even though the kids are both embarrassed the first few times. It sends a message to the boys that the girl has people at home who care and will be upset if she isn't treated well. Regardless of how old fashioned or chauvinistic that may sound, it is a message that is somewhat comforting to girls and can help the boy remember to behave. With a daughter who developed early, that can really matter. </p><p> </p><p>I hope this helps some. I thought asking Jessie about it might bring out some interesting info. She surprises me all the time with her wisdom. Has since she was able to talk.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 381774, member: 1233"] Dating is a big deal for every kid. For the family too, or it should be, in my opinion. It really isn't something to discuss by text, not until the rules are set and everyone knows them. Then a text could be used to ask for permission, or to let you know she will be a little late, etc... Until then, you need to discuss dating face to face, or at least in email where you can send more than just a few words. I would tell her that anytime she asks anything about dating by text the answer will be whatever choice she least wants you to choose. If she wants you to say no, you will say yes. Then you and husband need to talk about this, and then all 3 of you need to talk about it. It is a big deal, and you may want to stick with the rules you set years ago. You may want to make it 16 instead of 15, or go the other way with age. A lot of it should depend on her maturity and how she handles things, how much common sense and self awareness she has. Whatever rules you set, you must stick to. You also need to set the consequences that you will impose if she breaks the rules, sneaks out, etc... On this subject, and any other rules that she doesn't like, don't debate with her. It takes 2 to debate, and debate is just another word for argue. You don't need to argue with your teenage daughter about the rules. If she has a problem with a rule you are willing to bend on, discuss it with her, let her know if you will bend or change it, and move on. If you won't bend on it, don't respond when she tries to debate it. Get a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic and read through it. It will help with a LOT of these issues, and help you handle the debating and attitude. Figure out if you and your daughter are talking about the same thing when you talk about dating. It is very possible to mean very different things and not know it. For some people it means only going on 1:1 dates where boy picks girl up at home, etc.... For some it means holding hands at school, maybe going to a school dance, but never seeing each other outside of school. You have to be talking about the same thing for the rules to work. Maybe if she wants to date a special boy the date needs to be dinner with the family and then a movie in the living room. They get the room mostly to themselves, but you and husband look in often to make sure they are behaving. she could also have him over to study at the kitchen table after school, or things like that. If this is about a boy she feels strongly about, then the "at home" dates will be do-able, once she realizes that you are not going to budge. If it is about status, then it isn't going to happen. At her age a LOT of the s0-called dating that happens is really about status rather than about caring for someone. Dating someone puts you higher on the social ladder and makes you more popular. The study and movie dates at home are suggestions from Jessie. She says that if they are at home, even if it is alone in a room and you check on them even so often, your daughter can begin to learn [I]how[/I] to date. If her first dates are out with a crowd of kids, who knows what she will think is accepted and expected date behavior? If you do let her do group dating, Jess says to make sure there is an adult that you know well to chaperone. Otherwise you can end up with the chaperone off doing what they want and ignoring the kids for substantial amounts of time. She remembers being at the bowling alley with a friend a few years ago. It was a group date for the older sister of a friend of hers. The friend's dad was the chaperone - and let the kids alone completely after the first 20 minutes. He went into the bar to watch some game on tv in there while he had a couple of beers. Jess remembers getting quite an eyeful as she and her friend spied on the older sister and her boyfriend when they snuck into the coatroom area to make out. We found out a lot of this because Jess refused to get in the car with the dad. We were called because she bit one of the teen boys when he tried to pick her up and put her in the car. She knew the dad had been drinking because he smelled like beer. The dad was very upset with Jess, but we weren't! I think Jessie's advice about teaching your daughter how to date rather than just allowing her to go on either group or 1:1 dates at a certain age (any age) is a good thing to think about. Regardless of how you handle this, there is going to be a LOT of attitude, of not wanting to talk to you, of pretending not to listen to you. No matter how much she gives you attitude, she is listening underneath it all. I was a bit shocked when Jess said that kids need supervised dates, like the study date at home, to learn how to date. She also said that it is important for the boys to meet the family, even though the kids are both embarrassed the first few times. It sends a message to the boys that the girl has people at home who care and will be upset if she isn't treated well. Regardless of how old fashioned or chauvinistic that may sound, it is a message that is somewhat comforting to girls and can help the boy remember to behave. With a daughter who developed early, that can really matter. I hope this helps some. I thought asking Jessie about it might bring out some interesting info. She surprises me all the time with her wisdom. Has since she was able to talk. [/QUOTE]
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