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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 705919" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lucy, you are making progress. I just reread the entire thread and things have changed since you started sharing your story here. That is progress. That is wonderful. Claim that and own it, even in the midst of confusion and pain. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are doing exactly what RN recommended above. You are dealing with the here and now. My son was in a severe downward spiral for 6 years. Today he works full time, pays his own bills, is rebuilding his life, and is sweet and kind. He and I have a good relationship, and there was a time when I would only talk to him for 10 minutes once a week on Saturday mornings. It took all kinds of boundaries that I couldn't begin to imagine before I had some peace and he started getting the message that his mother was now a dead end. </p><p></p><p>Stopping acting with our precious DCs is the hardest thing in the world to do. We think...if we do one more thing...if we say one more thing...if we put up with one more thing...that will be the ONE THING that will change the course of the horror that is happening.</p><p></p><p>I firmly believe after years of dealing with this (my own son) that I was never going to be the path or the open door to his recovery. It was going to have to be through someone else and somewhere else. I finally, finally got out of the way. Believe me, I fell on my face 1000 times trying to "help" him. Nothing I did ever helped him. He only got worse.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Start putting yourself first. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I matter 51%, he matters 49%. That shift in my thinking led to changed actions by me. I started asking myself what I needed. I started admitting I couldn't do this. I started admitting I wasn't superhuman and could stand any type of stress or misery. I started taking better care of myself. I learned how to do that in Al-Anon and in therapy. It is a slow walk in a long journey of self-improvement. </p><p></p><p>We are here for you during this hard, hard time. We so understand the complexity of it all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 705919, member: 17542"] Lucy, you are making progress. I just reread the entire thread and things have changed since you started sharing your story here. That is progress. That is wonderful. Claim that and own it, even in the midst of confusion and pain. You are doing exactly what RN recommended above. You are dealing with the here and now. My son was in a severe downward spiral for 6 years. Today he works full time, pays his own bills, is rebuilding his life, and is sweet and kind. He and I have a good relationship, and there was a time when I would only talk to him for 10 minutes once a week on Saturday mornings. It took all kinds of boundaries that I couldn't begin to imagine before I had some peace and he started getting the message that his mother was now a dead end. Stopping acting with our precious DCs is the hardest thing in the world to do. We think...if we do one more thing...if we say one more thing...if we put up with one more thing...that will be the ONE THING that will change the course of the horror that is happening. I firmly believe after years of dealing with this (my own son) that I was never going to be the path or the open door to his recovery. It was going to have to be through someone else and somewhere else. I finally, finally got out of the way. Believe me, I fell on my face 1000 times trying to "help" him. Nothing I did ever helped him. He only got worse. Hang in there. Start putting yourself first. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I matter 51%, he matters 49%. That shift in my thinking led to changed actions by me. I started asking myself what I needed. I started admitting I couldn't do this. I started admitting I wasn't superhuman and could stand any type of stress or misery. I started taking better care of myself. I learned how to do that in Al-Anon and in therapy. It is a slow walk in a long journey of self-improvement. We are here for you during this hard, hard time. We so understand the complexity of it all. [/QUOTE]
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