Maybe it's because I've been so sick and my patience is shot. Dunno. Maybe it's because now that I've recovered from the pneumonia, my kidneys are in a major uproar....Could be some of it. But this morning I'm ready to walk out the front door and just not look back. Too much stress, too much going on, too much drama, too much illness. I'm frankly sick and tired to attempting to cope with it all. Nichole's boyfriend is at it again. Of course he is, it's tax time. We've done this song and dance for 3 yrs straight in a row. And now he's using Nichole's unemployment as fuel to get Nichole to basically scr*w us over. And because she's broke and desperate and panicky......it's working. For 3 yrs her boyfriend wanted to claim Aubrey and we refused. Sorry but she lived in our house and I don't count 25 bucks a week as "supporting" someone. Gimme a break! Nichole and Aubrey lived with us until Sept when she moved out. Now he's talked Nichole into taking the whole year with herself and Aubrey. Is telling her she'll get more money back that way. He "supposedly" talked to the tax person about it. Yeah, right. He won't be filing taxes. He's been on unemployment for more than a year. Nichole sent me a PM this morning stating this and that her own family comes first. (that lesson has come back to bite me in the ) She's right. She should put her own family's welfare first. But I replied that Drew is not part of that family and has nothing to do with this decision. He did not work and is not married to her. At this time her "family" consists of herself and Aubrey. I doubt she'll take that well, but dang it to hades it's the truth. I told her She needs to call and talk to the tax person or meet with them, explain the situation, and see what they have to say. I told her they'd explain to her the best way she should go about it. If it does turn out it is better for her to claim herself and Aubrey I'll hoover it up and deal with it. Although it's going to cause a serious blow to husband and I. We'll be several thousand dollars in the hole because he claimed them both through the year while he was working. And with him now unemployed too, there is no way to pay it back. Except for my FASFA refund that I'll get in a few weeks. Dammit I told husband to stop claiming them last Jan and he didn't. If I use my FASFA to pay back taxes......I can't get my teeth fixed, and that need grows more desperate by the day. I can't go see the nephrologist and that need also grows more desperate by the day. And I can't catch us up on the house payment and other bills that are difficult to pay on just barely 300.00 a week. I'm in pain this morning. Serious pain. I walk across the room and my kidneys spasm and it's all I can do to stay on my feet and not scream. Most likely the after effects of the pneumonia and the h1n1 before that. been there done that many times in the past. It will most likely resolve by itself.....but if it doesn't there is no money to see the nephrologist, no money for medications, and ER staff only look at me like I'm an alien when I start rattling off dxes and medication history. They either think I'm seeking pain medications, a nut case, or go overboard and attempt to admit me, whether necessary or not. I was in serious pain all day at school yesterday and it was nearly impossible to cover for it. I have clinical lab today and I am dreading it. But I just cannot miss anymore school. I am so far behind now it is hades attempting to catch up. (and I'm no where near caught up) If I miss anymore I'm not going to make it thru the quarter. Clinicals start friday and I've no clue if I'm going to be able to move patients for 8 hrs straight. This hoovers. There is sooooo much more going on. I just don't have the heart to type it. When I think of Nichole it hurts. Yes, I know she really needs the money and I understand that. Really I do. I see her point of view clear as day as I'm living it myself. But I've got to say that even though I can barely tolerate being in the same room with my Mom for an hour.......I would never think to do such a thing to her. Not after she let me live with her with my child for free for 3 yrs. Would not even enter my mind. Get ready cuz here comes the whiney part. I spent a lifetime sacrificing for my kids. I stayed at home to raise them because I didn't want them raised by strangers in daycare. And when I say I sacrificed I'm not kidding. I went without clothes, often without medical care and medications, and sometimes even without food so they could have what they needed. Sick or well they got my 100 percent everyday without complaint. I'd drag my butt out of bed after major kidney surgery with tubes hanging out of my back to cook, clean, and take care of them. And I didn't mind because I loved them. I knew my time was limited and I didn't want them to have painful memories of their chronically ill mom. So I hoovered it up, gritted my teeth thru the pain and just did it. No help. All by myself. My gut tells me it's not going to be long before I start dialysis. It's possible that I should already be doing it. I dunno. But I do know when I say I feel "well" it is not what the average person thinks of as being well. It means that I can get out of bed that day, maybe have some energy, don't feel like tossing my cookies, and don't have rip roaring diarrhea. Half the time I can't sleep either due to pain or because the moment I lay down my kidney's decide to over work and all I do is run to the bathroom. I get no pleasure out of food because my appetite is zero and most of the time I'm nauseated. The past year my health with my kidneys have gone straight down hill. Comes with CRF I know that. It svcks but there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. And when the symptoms are really bad my memory is toast and my concentration drops to next to nothing. Finishing school would mean financial independence from husband and that is a huge deal for me. But it is more important that I finish for a different reason. I'm doing this because I need to finish something I started and walked away from almost 30 years ago. I knew going in that I might not ever be able to work as a nurse. I knew that I also risked not being able to physically finish the program. But it was still important for me to try. I'm not giving up but at the moment the task seems monumental. This quarter I'm already having to take it one day at a time. I just want to scream at my kids Look dammit, I am SICK. No I don't act like I'm dying. But that doesn't mean that most of my days aren't a living hades. I don't want to deal with your stress anymore. I don't want to deal with the stress of just living anymore. I want to concentrate on the one goal I have left for myself and just attempt to make it thru each day. I want to be appreciated for what I've done, what I've gone thru to just raise them. Would be nice to have them call me up and just say Hey mom, how are you today? Is there something I can do to help make your day just a little bit better? But instead I get their problems, their drama, and I'm still expected to be here when they need someone to lean on. I love them with all my heart. And I know that it's really hard to get life with a chronic terminal illness. My head knows that. It just makes my heart hurt. The struggle is becoming too hard to deal with alone......and I'm still having to deal with it alone. Pity party is over. I've got to make myself put on clothes and make it thru clinical lab. What I really want to do is go back to bed. FYI I am not depressed. I am overwhelmed. Thanks for letting me unload. I dunno even if it made sense.