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I'm back and its not a pretty story . . .
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<blockquote data-quote="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo" data-source="post: 448397" data-attributes="member: 12241"><p>Hi Kathy,</p><p></p><p>I think it helps putting things in perspective and getting a bit of distance in between you and her activities - if you think back on where you were when you were 26. Were you doing okay? Did you manage on your own? Did you have problems and managed to work through them to come out to where you are now? Did you overcome obstacles and not even survived but thrived? Did you grow through them to mature and become a better, stronger and more successful person? Did your parents have to constantly come to rescue you or bail you out or save your butt?</p><p></p><p>I understand that all of our difficult children are different, and you can't often times not compare their handicaps with "normal" [is there even such a thing? Since I started on this journey - many ppl I though were normal match the discriptions of many of the difficult children I hear about here] kids, young adults, etc etc. But do think about it this way - if she were not drinking/drugging/using [whichever] - at 26 did she have all she needed to make a go at it? Is her condition supported my medications? Does she maintain her medical routine [if any] and take care of herself that way? If the answer is yes, and she was not able to do make a go at a selfsufficient lifestyle - irregardless if due to any addiction, lazyness, lack of will power or mental condition etc etc - then the answer should be a loud and resounding NO in regards to letting her slide one more time.</p><p></p><p>I would not support her with an apartment, money or any other place to stay.</p><p></p><p>I would look up women shelters, AA meetings + locations, pack her belongings and take them along with the list of the above, to the hotel she is staying in right now and set her down and explain the new rules. When her time there is up, it's up.</p><p></p><p>If she can hold down her new job for a minimum of 3 months and safe up x$, I might [and a very weak might at that] consider helping her finding and getting started with a room mate situation or a cheap efficiency apartment, contingent upon her making a certain number of AA meetings each week.</p><p></p><p></p><p>If you cannot be sure that she is lying about the other checks, you might want to put a stop payment on them at your bank, or at least notify the bank that they have been stolen... Be sure to also go through your unused check books and check all of them to see if there are additional checks missing!</p><p></p><p>During that 3 month trial period, she needs to pay back the money stolen via forged checks - including any bank fees you might occur for stop payments etc.</p><p></p><p>Remember to change the locks on your house doors! </p><p></p><p></p><p>You already know what I am saying - at 26 - if she doesn't want to make a go at it, given all the opportunities she's had in the past - she won't. Unless she is ready to make a change on her own, and that most likely isn't going to happen until she rockbottoms - you are just enabling and feeding her habits. The sooner she bottoms out, assuming she manages to make positive changes and a successful climb out of her addiction - the more time she has left afterwards to enjoy her life in a constructive and satisfying way. If you know the only way to come out of this, is to let the s*** hit the proverbial fan, then let her rip and hope that there will be a recovery and a happy life in the future for her.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo, post: 448397, member: 12241"] Hi Kathy, I think it helps putting things in perspective and getting a bit of distance in between you and her activities - if you think back on where you were when you were 26. Were you doing okay? Did you manage on your own? Did you have problems and managed to work through them to come out to where you are now? Did you overcome obstacles and not even survived but thrived? Did you grow through them to mature and become a better, stronger and more successful person? Did your parents have to constantly come to rescue you or bail you out or save your butt? I understand that all of our difficult children are different, and you can't often times not compare their handicaps with "normal" [is there even such a thing? Since I started on this journey - many ppl I though were normal match the discriptions of many of the difficult children I hear about here] kids, young adults, etc etc. But do think about it this way - if she were not drinking/drugging/using [whichever] - at 26 did she have all she needed to make a go at it? Is her condition supported my medications? Does she maintain her medical routine [if any] and take care of herself that way? If the answer is yes, and she was not able to do make a go at a selfsufficient lifestyle - irregardless if due to any addiction, lazyness, lack of will power or mental condition etc etc - then the answer should be a loud and resounding NO in regards to letting her slide one more time. I would not support her with an apartment, money or any other place to stay. I would look up women shelters, AA meetings + locations, pack her belongings and take them along with the list of the above, to the hotel she is staying in right now and set her down and explain the new rules. When her time there is up, it's up. If she can hold down her new job for a minimum of 3 months and safe up x$, I might [and a very weak might at that] consider helping her finding and getting started with a room mate situation or a cheap efficiency apartment, contingent upon her making a certain number of AA meetings each week. If you cannot be sure that she is lying about the other checks, you might want to put a stop payment on them at your bank, or at least notify the bank that they have been stolen... Be sure to also go through your unused check books and check all of them to see if there are additional checks missing! During that 3 month trial period, she needs to pay back the money stolen via forged checks - including any bank fees you might occur for stop payments etc. Remember to change the locks on your house doors! You already know what I am saying - at 26 - if she doesn't want to make a go at it, given all the opportunities she's had in the past - she won't. Unless she is ready to make a change on her own, and that most likely isn't going to happen until she rockbottoms - you are just enabling and feeding her habits. The sooner she bottoms out, assuming she manages to make positive changes and a successful climb out of her addiction - the more time she has left afterwards to enjoy her life in a constructive and satisfying way. If you know the only way to come out of this, is to let the s*** hit the proverbial fan, then let her rip and hope that there will be a recovery and a happy life in the future for her. [/QUOTE]
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