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I'm back and its not a pretty story . . .
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<blockquote data-quote="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo" data-source="post: 448531" data-attributes="member: 12241"><p>Kathy,</p><p></p><p>I feel for you and if I were in your position, I'd be very unsure about the felony thing too. I would avoid that as long as I could, but on the other hand - if there is no other way or if I were to feel that I am taken for granted about being lenient no matter what the offense, the gloves would come off.</p><p></p><p>I've been married to an alcoholic - a lovely, intelligent, handsome and kind [truly nice, helpful and kind give you the last shirt on his back type] man. Extremely intelligent with the potential to go far, who with abandon and full of energy and enthusiasm and eyes wide open - ruined his career, our marriage and consequently his life. We seperated and eventually divorced peacefully, and he went on to live double and tripple identity lives [taking the names and SSNs of his diseased siblings] and went on to financially ruin me along the line due to idendity theft [one of his girl friends or possible second wife posing as me up north, while I have been living here in the south for the last 20+ years]. There is a huge amount of debt in my name, defaulted mortgages, credit cards galore and on and on - I lost my own home over this and have zero credit whatsoever nowadays. This from a husband I loved with all of my heart, whom I seperated with desperation and sadness from with but mutually agreeable and with kindness, and whom I never did anything wrong to. One word - alcoholism - and probably drugs too [well two words]. </p><p></p><p>When they are in the grip of an addiction, there is no telling which way this is going to go or end at unless they decide to make a change for the better. If you felt that she was angry, resentful and punishing you for having money [for which you were working your butt off] while her life is going to the cra**er [by not doing anything], you are probably right. And while you are right, that we cannot compare our difficult children with most "average" folks out there = honestly - nobody is going to care about her problems but you and her loved ones. If she were in a wheelchair instead of having a mental ailment [not sure what she has, some are certainly more debilitating than others] - would that mean that she would be incapable of having a meaningful life or to support herself? Of course not! You would have taught her alternatives - from how to drive a car to how to find an enjoyable job and earn a living, just as you tried with her. </p><p></p><p>It is not your fault [or really your problem] that she choses not to help herself! She has a great job with potential waiting for her! She had a home all for herself for 10 days of peace and quiet to enjoy! But she blew it - be it because she can't stand being by herself, or because she didn't take her medications or felt lonely, or resentful, or whatever! Did not think about the consequences of her actions, or thought she could handle them before things would go south - this is the alcohol [and maybe her mental illness] speaking. I can totally understand and sympathize with your need to help her one more time now that things could technically be looking up for her again - I can't say with certainty that I would not if I were in your position, even knowing that it most likely will not be appreciated, or even of help in the long run. And I really don't envy you having to make that decision either. </p><p></p><p>What I did learn with my own son though, is making things happen or making them easy for difficult children is generally not being appreciated because they do know that you are sacrificing for them, and it causes resentment due to guilt they feel or if they are so beyond caring one way or the other, that it will cause resentment in you for giving, giving and giving some more. What worked for mine [but not necessarily for yours] is keeping him busy - no time to sit and mope and grope or play video games for hours on end, keeping them physically busy and consequently tired allows them to rest their minds as well and helps with the recovery. Having things to do [and needing to get them done or else there'll be rather unpleasant consequences, loss of priviledges etc etc], sometimes under supervision if necessary - helped mine. Meeting new [the right kind of] people can be helpful as well. Away from the loser crowd, on with the young folks that are successful or that are helping themselves getting there. I really don't know how much change you can still influence in a 26 year old, but one of the main requirements from you to do anything for her, is that she goes to AA meetings. No AA meetings, no help. Period! I know you can lead a horse to the water, but not make them drink, but there is hope if she goes to a few meetings, that they may get her thinking at least orperhaps she assimilates enough to get her reconsidering the quality of her life...</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="MuM_of_OCD_kiddo, post: 448531, member: 12241"] Kathy, I feel for you and if I were in your position, I'd be very unsure about the felony thing too. I would avoid that as long as I could, but on the other hand - if there is no other way or if I were to feel that I am taken for granted about being lenient no matter what the offense, the gloves would come off. I've been married to an alcoholic - a lovely, intelligent, handsome and kind [truly nice, helpful and kind give you the last shirt on his back type] man. Extremely intelligent with the potential to go far, who with abandon and full of energy and enthusiasm and eyes wide open - ruined his career, our marriage and consequently his life. We seperated and eventually divorced peacefully, and he went on to live double and tripple identity lives [taking the names and SSNs of his diseased siblings] and went on to financially ruin me along the line due to idendity theft [one of his girl friends or possible second wife posing as me up north, while I have been living here in the south for the last 20+ years]. There is a huge amount of debt in my name, defaulted mortgages, credit cards galore and on and on - I lost my own home over this and have zero credit whatsoever nowadays. This from a husband I loved with all of my heart, whom I seperated with desperation and sadness from with but mutually agreeable and with kindness, and whom I never did anything wrong to. One word - alcoholism - and probably drugs too [well two words]. When they are in the grip of an addiction, there is no telling which way this is going to go or end at unless they decide to make a change for the better. If you felt that she was angry, resentful and punishing you for having money [for which you were working your butt off] while her life is going to the cra**er [by not doing anything], you are probably right. And while you are right, that we cannot compare our difficult children with most "average" folks out there = honestly - nobody is going to care about her problems but you and her loved ones. If she were in a wheelchair instead of having a mental ailment [not sure what she has, some are certainly more debilitating than others] - would that mean that she would be incapable of having a meaningful life or to support herself? Of course not! You would have taught her alternatives - from how to drive a car to how to find an enjoyable job and earn a living, just as you tried with her. It is not your fault [or really your problem] that she choses not to help herself! She has a great job with potential waiting for her! She had a home all for herself for 10 days of peace and quiet to enjoy! But she blew it - be it because she can't stand being by herself, or because she didn't take her medications or felt lonely, or resentful, or whatever! Did not think about the consequences of her actions, or thought she could handle them before things would go south - this is the alcohol [and maybe her mental illness] speaking. I can totally understand and sympathize with your need to help her one more time now that things could technically be looking up for her again - I can't say with certainty that I would not if I were in your position, even knowing that it most likely will not be appreciated, or even of help in the long run. And I really don't envy you having to make that decision either. What I did learn with my own son though, is making things happen or making them easy for difficult children is generally not being appreciated because they do know that you are sacrificing for them, and it causes resentment due to guilt they feel or if they are so beyond caring one way or the other, that it will cause resentment in you for giving, giving and giving some more. What worked for mine [but not necessarily for yours] is keeping him busy - no time to sit and mope and grope or play video games for hours on end, keeping them physically busy and consequently tired allows them to rest their minds as well and helps with the recovery. Having things to do [and needing to get them done or else there'll be rather unpleasant consequences, loss of priviledges etc etc], sometimes under supervision if necessary - helped mine. Meeting new [the right kind of] people can be helpful as well. Away from the loser crowd, on with the young folks that are successful or that are helping themselves getting there. I really don't know how much change you can still influence in a 26 year old, but one of the main requirements from you to do anything for her, is that she goes to AA meetings. No AA meetings, no help. Period! I know you can lead a horse to the water, but not make them drink, but there is hope if she goes to a few meetings, that they may get her thinking at least orperhaps she assimilates enough to get her reconsidering the quality of her life... Hugs to you! [/QUOTE]
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