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I'm back and its not a pretty story . . .
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 450139"><p>I firmly believe that until our adult children actually feel/see the pain that their choices are making them, they are highly unlikely to make positive changes.</p><p></p><p>I also think that role modeling positive behavior can be helpful. </p><p>I have seen therapy help, but you are absolutely right, it is significantly better when the client WANTS the help.</p><p></p><p>For a variety of reasons, good role modeling being one of them, and simply that you needed and deserved a vacation, it was wonderful and fabulous that you went on that vacation. Contrary to feeling guilty, it was the best and healthiest move you could of made all around!</p><p></p><p>I like what you said about her not blowing off this job opportunity and trying to find a place to rent. However, if getting an apartment doesn't work out trying a final one last shot attempt with strict rules and perhaps attendance at AA (or therapy at a low cost agency) makes some sense. However, in my humble opinion it really needs to be the very last attempt, with strict rules and you and husband need to have a plan in place if it doesn't work out. If this happens, you might need support and might want to consider going to a few meetings of FA (Families Anonymous).</p><p></p><p>When our adult children are very sick, it seems humane (and probably best) to offer them medical and mental health care, hoping that this will keep them minimally safe and in combination with their own very necessary better choices and personal efforts, will make the difference toward positive change. </p><p></p><p>However, it is vitally important, that we pull back...let them feel the consequences of their inappropriate actions and at the same time...move forward personally. This is good for them on two levels...they learn logical consequences and you model that you are able to set limits, suffer disssappointments and move forward regardless of these things. If you can, they too can make progress in these areas as well.</p><p></p><p>I do believe detachment is a learning and growth experience for both our difficult children and us as well.</p><p></p><p>p.s.</p><p>Congrats to your easy child! I find it interesting that a few of us have one difficult child and the sibling went on to be a really good teacher! Our easy child received high honors when got a teaching degree not too long ago and additionally received a teaching award last year.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 450139"] I firmly believe that until our adult children actually feel/see the pain that their choices are making them, they are highly unlikely to make positive changes. I also think that role modeling positive behavior can be helpful. I have seen therapy help, but you are absolutely right, it is significantly better when the client WANTS the help. For a variety of reasons, good role modeling being one of them, and simply that you needed and deserved a vacation, it was wonderful and fabulous that you went on that vacation. Contrary to feeling guilty, it was the best and healthiest move you could of made all around! I like what you said about her not blowing off this job opportunity and trying to find a place to rent. However, if getting an apartment doesn't work out trying a final one last shot attempt with strict rules and perhaps attendance at AA (or therapy at a low cost agency) makes some sense. However, in my humble opinion it really needs to be the very last attempt, with strict rules and you and husband need to have a plan in place if it doesn't work out. If this happens, you might need support and might want to consider going to a few meetings of FA (Families Anonymous). When our adult children are very sick, it seems humane (and probably best) to offer them medical and mental health care, hoping that this will keep them minimally safe and in combination with their own very necessary better choices and personal efforts, will make the difference toward positive change. However, it is vitally important, that we pull back...let them feel the consequences of their inappropriate actions and at the same time...move forward personally. This is good for them on two levels...they learn logical consequences and you model that you are able to set limits, suffer disssappointments and move forward regardless of these things. If you can, they too can make progress in these areas as well. I do believe detachment is a learning and growth experience for both our difficult children and us as well. p.s. Congrats to your easy child! I find it interesting that a few of us have one difficult child and the sibling went on to be a really good teacher! Our easy child received high honors when got a teaching degree not too long ago and additionally received a teaching award last year. [/QUOTE]
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