i'm done

[Jena]

hi

i'm done today. two years of unanswered questions, the wrong medication's rough nights scarey mornings, balancing work and phone calls from school and pyschologists, etc. my little one begging to stay home crying

i got out of shower this morning, she was still sleeping. she came in our room last night in the middle of night so she was still in bedi got out of shower and just lost it and had no control i've been crying on and off for 3 hours. he found me in the extra bedroom hysterical crying shaking cold he just looked at me said nothing grabbed me and held me. yup i know he lies he argues with me but he was there and i was too weak to say no because i needed a hug so badly. i sat there crying for a half an hour. he helped me get her ready for school, he's afraid i'm loosing it. i got her to school while she cried and begged for me to bring her home, i asked for a pyschologist to help but no one was available so off she went on her own.

i need drugs i need xanax thought i had a btld in drawer i do not. i'm trying to find dr. he took morning off to drive me. i can't stop crying i'm so tired so done so sick of the dr.s not being able to help so sick of being told i should keep pushing her into door at school and watching her cringe. shes failing she's afraid it's disgusting.

it's been leading her for two years now my family stinks and are of no support to me the friend i thought would wnat to help doesn't most of my supposed friends have disappeared and he is the only one who isnt afraid of what she has and what this is.

ok going back to try adn get an appointment. at dr.s for myself.

jen

 

[luvmyottb]

I am so sorry...I know how you feel...you are desperate for peace in your life.

It seems an almost insurmountable task sometimes.

Do what you need to do for yourself and not others (if possible) today.

Do you get any respite care from the kids at all..you need a break if only for an hour or two?

Hugs.

 

[tryinghard]

Dear Jen,

Your post made me cry. I understand where you are. My son has been diagnosed ADHD with learning disabilities. I believe he is also ODD even though he does not have an official diagnosis.

This morning I was so stressed out (I will spare you all the details) that when I had to run back into the house to get my son's jacket (he left it and we were running late) I just screamed and screamed and screamed in the house while he waited in the car. I did not realize I screamed so hard that he could hear me. (I am sure all the neighbors could too) I explained to him that I was very upset and needed a way to release my emotions without hurting anyone or being mean. That is what you are doing right now. If I were you, I would set a time where you are going to allow yourself to cry and feel sad. I usually give myself 30 minutes to an hour. After that, tell yourself that it is time to look at all the positive things in your life. I like to look at baby pictures and think back on all the positive things he has done and the fun moments that make parenting a child like ours worth while.

Most importantly, please remember that you are not alone. If you search the internet there are so many stories like ours. And those are the people you have the time and ENGERY to post!!!

My son had issues last year going to school. Some morning he would refuse to get in the car. It was hard, but I would sit with him, talk to him, what ever it took to get him to go. It was painful, but it took a few months and seemed to pass.

I agree with the other post. You need to take care of yourself today. It sound like you need to replenish your emotional well. I wish I could be there to help you! I will send you and your family good thoughts today.

Remember that you are a good mom. It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I will watch the post today and would be happy to exchange emails iwth you if that would make you feel better.

I joined this post last night because I too am at my wits end and thought reading and sharing with others in my situation would be a big help for me. So far it has been.......

Take a deep breath and exhale...it will all be ok. This is a long journey and today is just one step.....

 

[Jena]

hi,

thanks. it is hard. its really hard sometimes. i hurt when she hurts, i used to be able to shut it down and move forward set aside the cry time. today i just lost it. last night was rough with her her anxiety level was through rough over school today and watching her cringe and cry and beg and plead sat with her for hour last night doing visualization and breathing. she's my baby and i'd give anything to have her experience things in a calmer more controller manner. school assures me pushing her in everyday is what she needs, that she isnt' crying through hallways she's trying to cope. she amazes me each and everyday her strength astounds me. she is everything good and then some. my kids hold my heart, i get the most incredible amt of pleasure knowing their happy when their happy it makes me happy.

i'm still crying 5 hours later, on and off. he left for a while to go to gym to give me sometime alone. he tried to talk to me to get me to go to gym with him i'm in cocooning mode now this is what i do whne i'm scared i fold up into little ball so to speak. i'm so tired i sleep and wkae and feel like i got no sleep. it's crazy.

i'm sorry that you too are having a rough morning, i'm usually ok wtih it and can bounce on train hour into city go to work i couldn't today it's as if everything stopped.

i remember the simple days of lollipops and afternoons on beach when her biggest worry was if i'd let her stay up late and have a snack. when i could sit with her and dig a hole on beach and she would be happy. when she looked in the mirror and saw what i did a pretty sweet funny little girl. she told me today when she looks in the mirror all she sees is someone else a happy girl that is pretty that she wants to be.

she said she doens't know why she's here sometimes. she was very serious when she said it too. mental health such a grey area. i function well in the solution not so good in the grey area like i have been for too long.

i'm just tired today hungry but don't want to eat, i wnat to get in my truck wtih both of my kids and disappear for a while just us no one else no pressure, no reality just us. that's whta i think of doing when i'm scared and frustrated nad have had enough i want to bolt.

being here has helped and iknow there are so many others that are having a harder time than i. i almost feel guillty adn wrong for breaking down. see i get afraid though i'm all seh's got her dad is hte fun guy every other weekend movies and sugar and late nights he'll never do what i do. tha'Tourette's Syndrome why it's so important for me to stay ok right now.

hugs to all i'm sure i'll be posting again this seems to bring me down a little

weird though usually after i cry i'm better. today i didn't click back yet still freezing cold have the shakes and heads a little cloudy. wiating for dr.s office to open to get me someme'ds i'm done with the natural appraoch i need help

jen

 

[FlowerGarden]

Sending cyber hugs your way. I find that every once in a while I have a day where I cannot control my crying and feel so overwhelmed by everything going on with difficult child. I seem to bounce back stronger after that. I liken it to a pressure release valve...with too much pressure inside, things don't go well and that pressure needs to be released (the crying) to make things function better again. Hope it works out that way for you too.

 

[Jena]

i hope so too. thanks for your kind words. i'm sure the xanax will bring it home for me. LOL... i have to pop it in the a.m. so i can assist her with her anxiety and get her in door of school and i work far away so i'm having anxiety about being far away from her, i can't get to her if she needs me is going on too. if i'm slightly drugged i'll be calmer and be able to offer her more of me i've felt the depletion coming for two years now.

jen

 

[Star*]

Jen,

I am sorry you are having such a rough day, year, two years. Please do not look at taking Xanax as loosing a battle. Look at it like this - your body is made up of chemicals. Extreme stress depletes the chemicals our brain and body need to battle ever day stressors. Xanax or any other anti-anxiety pill replaces those chemicals so we can function.

Unless you are willing and able to totally walk away from your children, your home, and you life - you aren't going to be able to do day to day activities and learn how to heal without a little help. No one says you have to take it forever - when you feel like your chemical levels are back to normal - you will know. Then you can stop taking the medications.

My son said the same thing to me about not knowing WHY he's even here on earth - heck I don't know anyone who hasn't questioned their mortality. I think too, a lot of things our kids say to us when we are living in high-stress situations seem magnified 100 %. My son could say something any other kid would say and I would try to UNDERSTAND it, and analyze it. Figure out where that comment came from, what did it REALLY mean. Junk like that wears you out quicker than your kids will.

I know you think I am preachy, big sister, gotta tell you what to do when I give you advice - and well; maybe I am. Actually I am the big sister so I don't know how to be the not big sister. But when I have been telling you lately to seek counseling a the womens shelter, and leave the situation you are in IF there is a solid better one for you and your children - it's because I'm trying to reach out and help you not make the same mistakes I made. I'm very up front about things I've done in my life - and I'm not pounding the pulpit - I'm just hoping something I say makes you realize - You do NOT have to live like this.

I'm glad your boyfriend was there for you this morning. But he should be there for you ALL THE FREAKING TIME - not just when you are having a nervous breakdown. You should be treated like a very special person every day - not just when your fan has dirty blades (it hits the fan) and you fall into a shivering, lump and cry. The crying is a release - it's a good thing. Crying isn't all bad - it's like the valve on a steam kettle - I mean - you're a woman - so you don't belch or fart and unless you let off a little steam you will explode. I know I've been there when I wasnt' there.

Do I think you need to get some additional therapy right now? Yup. Do I think you need to work on YOU more than anyone else? Yup Yup - and I even told you why - because today is a good and valuable lesson for you EVEN though - it's been a bad day. Why? Because you found out you're human, you found a release in crying, and you have to think now - WHAT WOULD happen to my 2 little girls if the cheese DOES slide off my cracker?

You say your family is no help. You say your friend isn't really a friend. So who does that leave to take care of the two people in the world who love you and need you most? YOU. So when i say TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST - NOW, TODAY - it does NOT mean Ignore your children and go get a manicure - It means GET YOUR MENTAL HEALTH in order. Only YOU can do it. I can only sit here 1,000's of miles away and wish there were more I could do that tell you - TAKE CARE OF YOU.

When you take care of YOU first - a lot of great things begin to happen. You start to find your kids see you in a different light. It's like they can smell that you are better and honestly - you get less static from them. You get respect for yourself because you are actually taking CARE of yourself. Any S/O or boyfriend you have either gets with the program or you loose him without worrying about anything - you just move on. And because you start to like yourself more, have more self-esteem - you will see less and less outrageous behaviors in your children. WHY? Because YOU start drawing the line in the sand and saying THIS, (draw line) world IS WHAT I WILL TOLERATE. But...you just can't get up tomorrow and draw a line and say it - you have to LEARN about yourself and layer by layer...

I know you are in counseling - and I applaud you and I am proud of you. I am proud of you today admitting YOU ARE NOT WONDER WOMAN!!! You ARE a wonder - you ARE a woman - but you don't have an invisible jet parked out in the street and your wrist protectors can't deflect houseflies - let alone the crud that is being thrown at you - (get a visual on that)

SO HUGE HUGS - and
Star

ps your title post is called I'm done - I'd change it if I could to "I'm just beginning."

NOW GET OUT THERE GIRL AND GET 'EM........
(of course after your nap and a piece of chocolate)

 

[Jena]

ok that was sweet and made me cry again......LOL and i just got myself contained....ugh!!

yup im worn out i'm tired and in desperate need of a break. i see my therapist regularly and i am going to doctor today to get me some drugs. i really am a healthy person i want you to know. it took years to get where i am yet i know i have alot more growing and learning to do. i just feel like lately watching her go through this i'm not living im just surviving i used to live.

i think he got so scared today when he saw me that way, he didn't know what to do. he thought he'd do the whole kick me back into form thing like a drill sergeant with jen you can't do this to yourself blame yourself for stuff for her, what she goes through it's not your fault your doing all you can. i just shot him a look like sorry buddy pep speech isnt' gonig to happen today. he got softer quieter and then just hugged me leaned his hand over onto my face and said she's lucky to have you, your a great mom and she will be ok in time. then he said i'm a jerk (his famous) words i'm too opinionated i tell you lies when i know you'll get mad because i don't want you mad at me, i've made a million mistakes and dont' blame you for kick ing me to curb but regardless i'm going to be here for you and her whatever it takes for however long it takes i'm not afraid of what she has ill try not to get so upset when i don't agree, or when you ramble on and i need a breather.

i said i have no idea i can only focus on one thing right now ther'es too much in my head i can only focus on the girls right now tha'Tourette's Syndrome all i have.

i just need to be quiet for a while, it's weird never been this bad before but when you get this bad the simple things seem like so much more. a quiet house to sit in right now he left for while, i needed him to go away. the english muffin i just ate finally today the cigarette i smoked out the bathroom window. everything becomes very simplistic.

i'm not confused about what i want or even how to get there. i am confused about her, about what i see about what i don't understand. about how she looks at me like im god and keeps waiting for me to give her the "right " pill. she's so beautifu and so so sweet i absolutey adore this kid. not just cause she's mine. shes' amazing so is my older one who makes me laugh all the time. they are the reason i get up everyday. plain and simple. sorry so so emotional today wow i look scary too. his sister's a doctor so he's calling her to se if she can find out more, about other doctor's, way to get around insurance not being accepted. etc.

thanks as usual. just wish i could go on vacation with them for a few days eat well sleep late hang out with them just get out of reality for a few.

jen

 

[Jena]

ok just realized what you said, so was it a nervous breakdown? ok tha'Tourette's Syndrome not good....LOL.....i thought those lasted for days. i'm not normal yet but i'm working on it. i need some sleep. we'll have 5 kids in here soon and total chaos and hw and play practive and him cooking them dinner they'll hate....ugh. quiet's nice.

 

[Star*]

Jen -

No, I do not think you've had a nervous breakdown. (dont go hypochondriac on me now sister) lol

I think you have been dealing with HIGH levels of stress and needed a release. It's when you have been dealing with SO much stress, and so much anxiety that you CAN'T find a way to let it go -and end up basically catatonic and unable to have another single thought - is a nervous breakdown. Simply put - if you sat in the corner and laughed or did nothing for hours on end and couldn't function - breakdown. YOU are strong and you got on your support system (us here) and you wrote, and vented, and the more you typed the better you felt - GOOD JOB!!!!

You had an episode of high stress. Keep having them and you can end up with serious health related issues, hair loss, memory loss, weight gain, weight loss, eye problems, heart problems, neurological damage - heart attacks, and a plethora of health issues you wouldn't wish on your x.

So now that you are back in action - GET BUSY ON YOU MOMMA!

Two weeks for a psychiatric appointment? FANTASTIC JOB!

Try keeping a journal of your daughters behaviors - time day, weather - and take it with you when you go. Get reports from the teacher once or twice a week in writing - take those too. Write down any ODD thing she says or thing you think is bizarre.

It will help you help your daughters doctor.

GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND START TODAY -
make a new piece of paper every day

You can call it the "daughter's name" book

Hugs
Star

 

[daralex]

hi Jen!
Sorry you're having such a down day - it's really hard at that moment to remember that it is one day (and yes, they'll be more!!) But if you don't take care of yourself no one else will. I also have no viable family (haven't spoken to parents in about 6 years) it makes you feel really alone in the world, but you're not - that's what this is for. After finding about about my daughter's abuse I cried at least once a day for over a year. It looked so bleak and how was I ever going to make things oK?? I never thought I would come out of it but somehow I did. Your not having a nervous breakdown - you're releasing all the emotion to build yourself back up again. Sometimes crying can be a great therapy. Absolutely do something for youreslf TODAY! Even if it means taking advantage of quiet time. I really understand exactly where you are and I feel so sorry that you are going through it. Have hope and know you are so much stronger than you think you are!!! HUGE hugs!!
-Dara

 

[susiestar]

Sorry today was so hard. But I am glad you were able to cry it out. Crying is how we release things.

I am sorry things are so rough, and that your daughter has such anxiety.

You are a good mom.

Hugs,

Susie

 

[flutterbee]

school assures me pushing her in everyday is what she needs, that she isnt' crying through hallways she's trying to cope. she amazes me each and everyday her strength astounds me. she is everything good and then some. my kids hold my heart, i get the most incredible amt of pleasure knowing their happy when their happy it makes me happy.

I had to get up and walk away from the computer when I read that. It brought back so many raw emotions and memories.

Does she have an IEP in school? Does the school do anything to help her through this? Not having a psychologist available or SOMEONE available to help her when she's struggling so is unacceptable. Do they allow her somewhere to go (other than the nurses office) when her anxiety is overwhelming her?

I ask these questions, hon, because I have been exactly where you are. My daughter has severe anxiety and I could have written those above words verbatim.

The school assured me of the same thing, too. 'She's fine when she gets here.' Well, no she wasn't; she just wasn't acting out. That's their definition of fine. She wasn't 'coping' either. When one is coping, I'm not carrying her to the car kicking and screaming and she's not getting out wiping tears off her face. Coping isn't spending half the day in the nurses office. Coping isn't my bouncing off the walls child sitting quietly and not speaking. Ever. She was surviving. Plain and simple.

I have another child with anxiety. My son. His isn't incapacitating. He copes. He goes through all of the angst, but is able to proceed and come through with flying colors. That's coping.

It infuriates me how they expect the child to cope with something they don't have the skills or tools to know how to cope with.

I apologize if I sound harsh, but that is something near and dear to my heart and something I spent many years - still to this day - dealing with. It wasn't until the 6th grade that the SD did anything. After years of therapy, psychiatrists, and a neuropsychologist evaluation, almost daily phone calls with school staff, talking about IEP's, playing their game and going with the interventions first and then they never schedule a time for us to meet, letting them speak directly with difficult child's therapist, difficult child missing day after day of school because she was spiraling hard and fast then they turned me in for truancy. I went off. Just the night before, difficult child spent 3 hours curled up in a corner saying she wished she were dead. When I called the guidance counselor about the truancy issue she said it was my responsibility to get her to school. That was it for me. I asked her what are they doing for her when she gets there. Nothing. I mentioned IEP evaluation that hadn't been done, lack of interventions, teachers that didn't even know difficult child had a speech issue because she never spoke, FAPE and a lawyer. I called the SpEd director and gave her an earful. I sent my certified letters requesting evaluations for an IEP. I went to the truancy meeting the next week and the assistant principal was falling over herself apologizing...said she didn't know what was going on until the day I went off. I guess word got around. Said she hadn't got the letter requesting the IEP evaluation yet, but didn't matter. She was starting it. by the way, this was in front of the juvy court liaison re: the truancy issue. Which is good, because I had with me all of my documentation of every phone call, email, every letter from school, letters from therapist, and pertinent law (IDEA 2004) and was ready to let the liaison know just what I've been trying to do and just how this SD has been failing my daughter since the 2nd grade.

That's my soapbox moment.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Jen,

The others have already given you lots of great advice. I really can't think of much to add... I just want to let you know I'm thinking about you this afternoon and hoping you're doing ok...

Post as often as you want to. We're always here for you. WFEN

 

[Jena]

i'm crying again you are all killing me......LOL........Susie especially you. oh my goodness. your all great i have good news.

ready for this columbia called me today as i was on my way to get xanax......and their going to help us. their calling me tmrw to set up appointments to evaluate her. they have the best team of pyshco, neuropsychologists a whole team. it costs a fortune about 15 to 20K seems like i'm goign to go broke again. they said they'd work out a payment plan for us so that we can come because they want to help. guess god was watching over me today, thought he took a coffee break.

ok so called the ex nightmare by the way with whom i had taken to court the past 10 mos. forgot to mention that to force him to help me pay the medical expenses. we amended decree. he said in no way will he help me pay for evaluation for her at all. he said i have insurance get a neuropysch who takes it. i pleaded with him explained what was going on he said no. then i called my two other friends and asked them if we could stay there being as him and i have been going at it and rin needs calm. they came up with various excuses as to why they could not.

people are amazing, when the chips are down you find out who your true friends are. so he overheard me on phone talking. he pulled me aside and said that after seeing the level i was at today he wants to help once again. he said i don't know if we'll make it, if you'll ever forgive me but for right now you and girls need to be safe and somewhere that you don't have to worry about paying rent. he said that is here, i will curb myself and raising my voice i'll go smoke when i feel like i am going to argue with you i will do my breathing when you drive me nuts, but stay pay the thousands get this done we'll figure the rest out later.

ok so he's right right now. right? i think so. so, i'm going to take it day by day and see how it goes.

i'm going to come up with some type of checklist for the teacher to chk off daily to observe her behaviors now as she's coming off medications. i keep a daily log everynight of her behaviors. i've been in touch with past two doctors I have rest of diagnosis from other three and left them messages to fax diagnosis and notes to my office tmrw where i will be highly medicated but at work.

so today was rough i'm afraid of the money thing once again, i lost it all last year but now i have nothing to loose so i want to do what's best fo rher and columbia university in the city seems like the best.

what do you think?

jen

 

[Jena]

i know what you mean regarding schools, unbelievable sometimes. the school office staff had the nerve to say to the pysch that i was enabling rin this morning. can you imagine? do these people want me to flip out? has anyone ever seen that disturbing michael douglas movie when he jumps out of car on highway and starts shooting people. so the school psychiatric called me to tell me what they said. i said first of all none of them have pysch degrees do they? i said secondly she was asking for either you or the other school social worker to talk to her because she was crying and shaking that's the part i guess they missed. so i said in no way should they ever make comments about a child they do not know, nor a situation in which they are familiar with. so i'll be sharing my thoughts with the office staff soon enough.

i'm glad to hear that your child copes well and comes out with flying colors. tha'Tourette's Syndrome great. some of rins days are worse than others it changes frequently.

Jen

 

[Jena]

Star - ok i read through these posts so quickly because i have five kids circling me. Star thank you, i called you susie and i haven't even taken the xanax yet. susie thank you as well.

 

[Jena]

ok i just keep on posting........by the way i went to doctor and was not a nervous breakdown was a severe panic attack.....yea me i haven't lost it yet......

 

[flutterbee]

Yes, I can imagine. When difficult child was in the 3rd grade, the guidance counselor said, 'Wynter doesn't have a problem, Heather. You do.'

My daughter is the one with the sky high anxiety and we still deal with it. She's being homeschooled now. My son is the one with the anxiety that he is able to manage.

You need to take care of you. You seem to be really struggling to keep your head above water, so to speak. I don't say that with judgment. I say that with understanding as I've been there and know exactly how it is...trying to find something, anything, to help your child...the feelings of desperation. She will feed off you. She will sense it and it will add to her anxiety. been there done that, too.

((((((hugs)))))

 

[Jena]

hi,

yes the schools do the whole get her in it'll be ok. Part of me believes that the other part of me does not.

she did play in gym today i heard so for that i am happy, and she actually went on a swing with a little girl today also.

she doens't have an IEP yet because i'm still waiting to figure out what's really wrong with her before i turn over any type of diagnosis to school. some say Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), others say anixety disorder which to me is definite, others say adhd and anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and now we have bi polar last two pediatrician. pyschs said.

it's not easy, for any of us. your right though staying calm is important.

Jen