I'm done

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Katehc, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I say I'm done , but why do I try over and over to reconnect and the end is always the same. 1 step forward 2 steps back.this has been going on for almost a year. Our 45 year old daughter has banished her father , myself because connected I chose him over her, her mother in law, brother in law ,(his banisment ment has been lifted after 2 years) . The other grandfather is the only one who had once been banished has been back in their fold for 3 years. It has been mentioned that this banishment woukd be reinstated a few times over time but.his punishment woukd last for a month and then lifted. I know I sound sarcastic and bitter but without exaggeration this is how it is. Late in life they gave one child and there will be no more, myself and ny daughter will reconnect but it doesn't last. The hurt and anger runs too deep inside me. I can't talk to her on the phone as she don't talk to listen , she talks to respond. And when she feels challenged, she gets extremely defensive. Therefore I am resorted to texting. Many times she doesn't read my texts carefully enough, and misinterprets and flies of the handle. Case in point her 5 year old son is suffering from anxiety, my daughter has told me that a physiologist has told her that he is suffering the loss of his other grandmother as well. Therefore it's the grandmothers fault that she got banished for the child best interest and it's her to Blane for his suffering. My daughter is all about blame this one, blame that one. I told her that he's only 5 he doesn't know or care whoes to blame all he knows he's hurting. She blames us for his anxiety because we moved an hours drive away when we retired. Partly it was to get away from her needing us at her beck and call 24 7. Today was my umpteenth last straw . I text , she responds she text , I respond but when she doesn't like what I have to say she gets defensive, belligerent and nasty. When I respond she she accuses me of trying to start an argument , I'm harassing her, she's going to have charges placed on me and told me twice to Foff. Excuse me. That's the first time she has went this far. I'm beyond hurt, I'm deep,y angry my health and my husbands health has been severally compromised over this past year due to this. I seen a therapist who told me my only option is to sever ties. . I don't know how to do that , I don't know how to make it stick , I cave , I go back and all I get is more of the same. Each time it gets worse . She stole our happiness, our health, our family, she stole her son the ability to be surrounded by his grandparents on his birthday, Christmas holidays and in her head it's everyone else's fault. When she was told her father went to emerg with all signs of a heart attack her response don't expect sympathy from her he did it to himself. What makes me go back for more. Maybe to ease my desperation and despair? I need to remove myself permanently but don't know how.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She is obviously very sick...Maybe borderline personality disorder. Borderlines need to control, don't do any relationships well and are, to be frank, erratic and mean sometimes. They are consistently inconsistent and rarely get help because they believe everyone else is a mess, not them.

    Your daughter is 45. I suspect she was always this way. She probably will continue. If you don't want to cut her off, in my opinion the best thing you can do is to take steps back and realize that this is who she is, how she interacts. It's not personal. Don't let her off the wall comments hurt you. She us who she is. You know her by now.

    If you can't help but take things to heart, you may want to back off contacting her, stop reading her texts or talking to her. Only do so if you feel up to taking a hit. She us a middle age woman and you don't have to listen to her abusing you. Do it on your own time. Don't try to reason with her. You cant. Just listen and saying "huh uh" every so often and tell her somebody us at the door if you need to get off quickly.

    Frankly, she sounds toxic to everyone. It's too bad about the boy but there is nothing anyone can do except he kind to him when/if she allows you to see him. People like this use their kids to punish others. Again, your daughter doesn't think right so you have to learn to expect this from her. I know...it's sad.

    Nobody on earth, even a child of yours, should have so much power over your life that you can't function. If this is so, do seek professional help.

    Go out with friends or loving family. Rekindle hobbies. Volunterr. Focus on YOUR life now. Live happy golden years, not controlled by a crabby daughter who hurts you. Stand strong!!.
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    Last edited: Jun 9, 2016
  3. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

  4. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I hung on to every word you said. I'm suffering from battle fatigue and getting no where. I know she is heavily influenced by her spouse who has nothing to do with his mother and thinks of her as dead. She's also influenced by a friend who by choice has a relationship with father but non e with mother. Our daughter has two faces one for her friends, coworkers but another face for her family. She gas one brother who lives in another country who has made it clear , he wants to stay out of it. I understand it but by the same token secretly I feel betrayed by it. We are in so much pain that desperation sets in. All logic and the the correct way to handle this situation flies out the window. As much as I want to handle this with dignity and the need to rise above it, the urge to lash out at those who influenced her is overpowering, we were in a good place finally, able to enjoy each other, enjoy friends , entertain and gardening together and long drives in the country until I reached out again. She had Misinterpreted a comment via text that I wanted to reconcile and woukd accept her terms which would be ignore her father but when I corrected that she once again got nasty. I can't and won't go back to her on her terms. In addition I know with certainty that if we reconciled , I will be here again within a year. I will not survive a repeat. I have run out of options.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have power and options, Hon.

    Clearly your daughter can't or won't have a relationship with you or anyone else unless everyone bows to her wishes, even those that are none of her business. You will never be able to be around her and relax. You will be walking on eggshells.

    There is actually a book called "walking on eggshells" by Randi Krieger. Do read it. It will help. You can order it on Amazon.

    Your choices are many. Here are but a few.

    Keep things the same, go back, but understand that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

    You can cut your daughter off completely or limit your contact with her to once a month or six months.

    I suggest getting therapy. You need somebody to go to when you feel weak and that is regardless of your decision.

    Don't let her have atom bomb power over your life. Live your life as you see fit. Disengage with other family members who like to stay engaged in her craziness. You can talk to them, but make it short and sweet and get off at once if they refuse to not talk about daughter or if they abuse you. Nobody should abuse you,especially not family. Don't let them do it. Limit contact. Walk away. Find friends and maybe some family who love and respect you. Hang with those who value you. Join some group or church. Be positive. Don't live in negativity with negative people.

    This is all just my opinion. Take what you need and leave the rest. More big hugs!
  6. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    Bowes to her wishes. Such an incredibly accurate statement that suits our daughter to a T . You speak as though you knew my daughter all her life. You gave her pegged. Her brother also knows her well, he doesn't agree whatsoever what she's doing and made it clear , very wisely, to stay out of it but I feel a certain betrayal with the position he took. He knows the pain we are in but his relationship with his sister continues as though nothing has happened. . He dies the know I feel this way because my feelings if betrayal is not fair to him. Myself and his father share a good relationship with him and his wife so I can't tell him how I honestly feel.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I suggest leaving your son out of it. He is an adult and has a right not to get involved in the drama by being ok with everyone. I believe that telling him you feel betrayed would make him uncomfortable and push him away. Contrary to what some people are told in therapy, of which I've been in most of my life, it isn't always good to emote all the things we feel. Your son is not betraying you. He is making a decision to stay out of it and in my opinion should not be put in the middle. Don't let your daughter be that huge elephant in the room who can come between you and others. She is only as powerful as you let her be.

    Try to remember she is just one person of millions...and rather pathetic at that. Don't let her rule your life. I know you love her. We all love our kids. But we don't have to like them and cower before their might. It's our decision in the end

    I'm wearing a cool shirt that says "Stay calm and let go." Take care of YOU.
  8. Heather52

    Heather52 Member

    I can't thank you enough for your oh so kind and wise remarks. They were invaluable and it got me through my very worst this last couple of days. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.